** Places I wanna go in the near future ( 5-7 years)

Taj Mahal- Agra, India I've always wanted to go to India and definately if I GO there, I'll have to see this...

Trinidad & Tobago... One of my bestie is from here ( I met him college and we later dated and are now best friends.) It's a beautiful place, from what I've heard and seen in his pictures... I can't wait!!

This is #1 on the list. Corcovado mountain in Rio de janerio Brazil. I think this state is very spiritual... just look how it sits above the mist in this pic... normally it's looking down over the city...

The Sydney Opera House in Sydney Australia.... Whoooo hooooo I can't WAIT to go here. I'm such a lover of much of all types (including classical). PLUS, how BEAUTIFUL is this place at night!?! Gorgeous



And last but DEFINATELY not least... Santorini Greece. BEAUTIFUL! This entire city is built into the side of a mountain just off the shore... I LOVE water love beautiful structures, and love anything even remotely romantic... This would be a beautiful place to honeymoon... Hmmm...that's an idea... :D

Anyone wanna be my travellin' partner until I am married?! We'll have a great time jet setting! :) hahahaha all of these trips are gonna be pretty expensive... sooooooo I gotta start savin' my pennies now...

25 things about me

** This is something that someone tagged me on facebook with. I did it there... and then decided to go ahead and put it here too... :)

1.) Truly, I am one of the most sensitive people that I’ve ever encountered.

2.) I’m sincerely afraid of where I’d be in my life if I had not given birth to my daughter. She slowed me down and probably saved me from certain doom.

3.) My mother (the one that raised me), won’t ever know how deeply, truly, and completely indebted I am to her. She’ll also never realize how much I love her and am sorry for the things that have happened to her in her life.

4.) Seriously, if something were to happen to my cats ( Bishop and Kitty), it would be as if a family member died. I’m not an animal person, but I definitely love these cats.

5.) Though people believe me to be silly and extroverted, when it comes to TRULY opening up, I’m very very shy.

6.) I WILL own a Mercedes-Benz one day. Bet on it.

7.)Black really is my favorite color. No seriously.

8.)I wish I had taken college more serious. There’s no telling where I’d be today. Where I am is ok, but the thought of the possibilities sometimes keep me awake at night.

9.) I am 100% positive that I will absolutely never get over Jimmie. I will move on, get married, have my own life, and continue to think of him less and less… but never, will I EVER truly, let him go.

10.) My daughter is TWICE as funny as I. She truly makes me tear up sometimes because it’s so insanely rewarding to get to raise a Hershey kisses sized version of yourself…

11.) No matter how much people say it, or how many times it’s written to me… I will never believe I am beautiful.

12.) I FIRMLY believe in astrology. I don’t get all weird with it, but I definitely believe that you behavior has something to do w/ the position of the sky at the time of your birth ( to different degrees for different people).

13.) It bothers me that though I’m completely independent, self-sufficient, and semi-successful @ what I do, I still live in my little town, haven’t grown my social circle much since high school, and don’t get out and do things very often.

14.) I really do think Melanie (old college roomie)-- is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met (and I didn’t just say that because she tagged me).

15.) I’ve always wanted to be short. Not like midget (…wait…is that p.c? ) I mean LITTLE PEOPLE… but like 5’3 or something. I have always felt “over powering” because of my height/size. But I’ve been told my attitude has a lot to do w/ it. Lol

16.) I have an affinity toward middle eastern men. And men with great hair. I just realized that I had this whole hair thing…

17.) I have very few friends, and many many aquaintances. The people that I call my TRUE friends are the greatest little group. My I don't believe that you have to talk to your friends DAILY or go everywhere together in order to TRULY matter. Deanna is my best friend, and not because we hang out or go drinking together, but because I truly respect, love, and would do anything for her. We rarely talk, see each other maybe 2 times a year, and aren't really "phone" people (with each other at least)... but it doesn't change the fact that aside from my daughter, she's one of the few people I'd TRULY do anything for. It's a grown up friendship.

18.) Aside from Jimmie, Free is probably the only ex I’d go back to on any serious level. He’s really the only other one that I had a true connection with.

19.) MY GOAL is to go back to school. For what? Not sure. I have a good job now, and I think that’s created kind of a comfort zone for me. I want to do something that truly helps people. I want to make a difference (wow, how “Miss America” of me.)

20.) I will be going to Brazil w/n the next 18 months to see the Christ the Redeemer statue.

21.) I am afraid that I am not “enough”

22.) My memory is ridiculously bad, partly due to my A.D.D. It’s discouraging… and makes me scared for the future. Alzheimer’s is serious and I’m very afraid that it’s in my future.

23.) I want to be able to run at least 5 miles with out stopping to walk.

24.) I hope to run a full marathon someday ( not anytime soon though… lol)

25.) Sometimes I look at my daughter and realize that I love her more than anything else on the planet… and I shed a tear.

**Physical Control**

Is there someone in your life that has PHYSICAL control of your emotions? Doesn't make sense? Lemme explain... When ever one specific person [talks to, messages, breathes on] me, I react, physically...

Not in a good way. Someone I used to love and I STILL get physcially sick when he messages me. Ugh. I hate it. I'm sick.

**Audio Blog** Do Right Man.

Turn your speakers down a bit for the first like 1:45 of this... enough to hear but it gets loud @times... I'm having microphone issues :) (and I truly BUTCHER this song... soooo there ya go... hang in for the TALKING-- or just skip forward to like 1:40 lol)

Video for my blogg @ Yahoo! Video

**Drunken Negro Faces?!!?! WTF!!!**

So... I was checking out "Life's a Fickle Pickle" and she had the link to this video posted... Now, I'd not SEEN it as of yet so I expected something light, airy, funny maybe, perhaps sexual, or a little gross ( as most blog video's go)... but um... I'm OUTRAGED!

THE FUCK IS A DRUNKEN NEGRO COOKIE?!?!

This bastid has the NERVE to make some big ugly chocolate cookies w/ RED GEL for eyes and BIG KNOTTY noses and lips... And say that they look like 'negros' (and I think he probably only called them that because the camera's were there)?! SUCH FUCKING IGNORANCE!!! What YEAR is this?! And thennnnnnnnn he says that President-O is 'Following in the footsteps of Lincoln." and "He'll get his."?! Seriously?! Why is he NOT in jail... I thought just THREATENING the Pres was a felony!

I think what infuriates me MORE is that he sees NOTHING WRONG with this portrayl! SPEWING his ignorance alllll over the fucking screen! He doesn't think that he's wrong! And the black dude on the street that they talk to almost conDONES THIS?! I'm breathless!

Ugh... I dn't know what else to say- I'm so angry that I'm flustered... My friend Jayce says that he apologized because he was getting death threats... But ya know, how about APOLOGIZING BECAUSE you're WRONG FUCK FACE?! I'm gonna post the vid below... but I haven't watched it yet at all...

Fuckin' idiot.

** Yeah, if you need THIS... our relationship is ALREADY OVER! LMAOOOOO*

Ohhhkay... I was looking at a website called The INQUISITR, solely because they were talking about the BACON EXPLOSION((pictured above) (which I'd love to eat... but w/ 5000 cals, I'm pretty sure it's not in my immediate future)). My attention span is like half a second long and in NO TIME I saw the ad for the BELOW contraption... HAHAHAHAHAH What?!

This is called the "Love Trainer", and when worn during sex, is supposed to "coach" you to reaching your optimal level of providing your partner w/ pleasure... As per the website, it says things like this (no joke)

"The foreplay, will now begin!

Please confirm the heart rate sensor!

Your stamina will be evaluated!

The lovemaking, will now begin!

Following the beat, make love much harder!

You are making love, at a very good pace!

Making love a bit more gentler, would be perfect!

Well done! Let’s make love more regularly"

::blank stare:: ::Bursting out into huge belly laugh:: BWAAAAAAaaahahahahahahah WHAT?!?!
If you need this thing... it's pretty much over for us. If you need positive affirmation during your scrogg session, your woman is a lame-o. Her moans, screams and other sounds of pleasure should let you know what's good and what's umm... not doing it for her....

AND LOOK AT THE CONTRAPTION! Definately not attractive... while you're hovering over her bumpin' and grindin' who's gonna be able to keep the earpiece in?! I'm just sayin'... If I get hit in the eye w/ a damn bluetooth-esque piece of equiptment while I'm trynna reach my level... I'm gonna be pissssssssed... lol

Ugh... at the end of the day, I wish I had stuck w/ the Bacon explosion... hahaha seriously folks.

P.S (Yayyy Jayce!!! I'm linking effectively!!! whoooo hoooo :) )

Let's talk about efficiency...

OK! I work for a small company. We NEVER close. In the last 35 years that we've been in existence, we've closed 1 time ( when there was a snowfall of 16 inches overnight) before this week... that was until, we were hit w/ the snow/ice storm from hell...

My qualm is with our 'closure notification system'. What's my problem? WE HAVE NONE!!!! There is a "SNOW LINE", but tell me... how does said SNOW LINE work if the POWER IS OUT!?! Pretty ineffectively.

SOOooooooooooo I'm up at 5:30am, trying to find out if I have to go to work ( almost hoping I do.)... I pick up the celly to call my supervisor.. NO SIGNAL! WTF?! The ice if f'king w/ the cell phone towers out here... so basically this comp it my only connection to the outside world... :(

I text my supervisor through Yahoo SMS (thank GOD for that)... and find out ( about 30 minutes later) that we're off again. Ugh. I swear... this is ridonkulous!

I tell ya what.. I'm breakin' out of this bitch today. no joke.

*Fuckin' Idiots*

Ok. What's with these dumb ass dudes! Seriously?! What kid of woman will even TALK to you when you send them a message ( the first one you've EVER sent them) saying, " I bet it tastes like candy."...

::blank stare::

THE FUCK!?! You bet it tastes like candy? Dumb ass summ-ma-ma beech. How dare you approach me like that?! HOW DARE YOU approach me before you change your screen name (Mr. Licks the Middle). Dirty tounged bastid... Ugh I hate dudes sometimes... Or at least the lame asses that seem to be attracted to me.

fucker.

Barack Obama "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) " Spoof... love it!

Hahaha-- This is so funny... I love my Barackie-Boo-- but this guys' a little cuter... and I love it! hahahah "If you voted for me Change is on the way, know it."... lol

** I've become the Calorie Nazi-- but... this may be going OVERBOARD!!**

Let me start this one with a good HEARTY LAUGH :: Bwahahahahahah ::

....

Ok... I was talking to my friend Byron online tonight... and we were talking about calories... I have become the CALORIE nazi and can pretty much tell you the caloric contents of ANY food. I may need to look it up, but I will FIND IT!

I told him I could make any GOOD food sound HORRIBLE w/ the information I give. and he thought that was funny and questioned why... I then said (honestly w/o thinking)...

... " I have to know the caloric content of ANYTHING that goes down my throat..."

-- silence--

... and then I said... " Don't make that dirty!"... lmaoooooooooo It was already in my head... so then I went on to quote him the caloric make up of "semen". LMAOOOOO (5 calories per 200-300 million sperm for anyone who may be interested)... I, of course had to look this up... and when I did... I saw something ELSE on a seemingly serious site that made me give a good hearty belly laugh :: BWahahahahaha:: Here it is::

" The average ejaculate, laden with between 200 and 300 million sperm, amounts to about about 5 calories ... For comparison, a greasy cheeseburger contains over 500 calories, so to equal one junk-food attack you'd need to gulp down over 100 ejaculates. Comforting thought... "

:: HAAAAAAHAhahahahahahaha:: So hilarious who would ever think of comparing the caloric make up of an actual MEAL to the content of a-- ahem -- conquest product?!

I thought that was hilarious... and wanted to share. lol sorry

(and EW at "GULPING" down ejaculate! come on now... that gives the illusion of a big tall cup w/ some cookies or something ::vomit:: )

Mid day ramblings

I wanna go to Dubai someday

and Brazil

and Trinidad

I think I've said that before

I have a love/hate relationship w/ my naturally curly hair (pictured!)

New York is too far from Kentucky

This snow sucks.

But I secretly wanna go make huge snow angels

My daughter just said Judge Penny (Family Court Judge on T.V) is ' ONE HOT MAMA"

Is judge Penny black or Hispanic?

Just looked it up, she's creole (black from New Orleans area w/ mulatto heritage)

She is pretty though... at least my kid has good taste.

I'd so rather be at work.

The power is out there, so I may be off again tomorrow...

at least I'm being paid to do nothing

I need to get back in the running thing

Being home is TORTURE on my eating habits.

Why does my kid keep screaming?!

I wanna do another load of laundry but they said the water was going to be off.

It's not.

I'm lonely

I hate that I'm lonely

I am thinking about Jimmie less and less everyday

I'm very happy about that.

I haven't had any dreams about that situation yet.

But I'm afraid

because when I do, it's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks.

I hate the silence.

When the power was out last night, it was too quiet. I heard nothing.

My breath

My daughters breath

and the most scary thing, my thoughts

I couldn't sleep because they were deafening

where is my solace?

that place where I feel comfort and love

:: sigh ::

WHOA!! They showed a hemorrhoid commercial on T.V!!??!

Ew.

They were singing and dancing.

Some commercials are ludicrous

I'm a little chilly...

I'm gonna go turn the heat up

... enough rambling for now...

** MAP! Just for you**

Ok... Just so you know... I'm positive that you know where YOUR state is..-- I am "KY"-- MINNESOTA is "MN" and South Dakota is "SD".

see-- not too far... now you can visit right?! lollllllllll

** UM... Snow? Nah, I'm good.**

Ugh... Ya know, I generally LOVE the snow... but for some reason, this snow is buggin' me. I'm BORED RIDICULOUS. My kiddie and I have played allll the games, are about to watch some movies, and I've cleannnned some stuff... boooooooo I think this snow would be ALOT more fun if I had someone special to cuddle w/. SURREEEE I could get my homie Kris out to cuddle... but I wanna cuddle w/ someone ELSE! lol

This picture is from right outside my window... (the grainyness is from the screen because I wasn't ABOUT to go out!) The middle car in the foreground (as you're looking at it) is mine... covered w/ snow... after I DE-ICED it yesterday... ugh. So it won't move today! Luckily my nephew and his wife (yes... I have a 21 year old nephew) in the same apartment complex as me... just down the way... sooooo I'mma go check them out and maybe play some games or something...

My power was out for about 3 hours last night... DURING AMERICAN IDOL!!! BOOoooo... I had like 7 candles lit... and my daughter was FREAKING OUT!!!! She was so scared that I was gonna set the house on fire... It gave her a little taste of the old days before there was power... lol she didn't like it. But alas-- it came back on at about midnight... ::sigh::

Anywhooo--- I want all the people to like the snow... to keep it! lol

To all that read (and respond to) my blog--- THANK YOU :)

Just wanted to say THANKKKKKKKS to everyone who reads, follows, and responds to my blog. My reason for COMING here is because I like to VENTTTTT... I LOVE the opinions of others and actually read EVERY COMMENT. I've always been a fan of the opinions of strangers. An impartial audience that can say-- ummm this makes NO SENSE w/o the fear of hurting my feelings
(actually... be careful... I'm pretty sensitive... lol)
I'm feeling ok today.... i'm actually very thankful for a new day, a new week, a new life, and a new chance.... I'm super thankful for the friends that I have in my life and for having the sense to let the friends go, that I have. Some were toxic, some were holding me back, some I had just outgrown... I'm thankful that I had the sense to realize this.

I'm actually not sad AT ALL about the upcoming baby of my exie... I am dealing w/ it suprisingly well. It's actually a little disturbing to me that I'm not STILL in hysterics. The spin that I've applied is that God let me know, it's time to move on Jae. One day I will be so THANKFUL that Jim and I never worked out that it's going to be ridiculous. When I meet the man that I'm supposed to be w/... I'll probably call him and tell him (Jim) thanks for getting that other broad knocked up... lol

YO!!! (wait, do people say "yo" anymore?)... oh well... YO!!! We're about to get some ridiculous weather here in KY!!! Like 4 inches of snow over night...then another 4 during the day tomorrow... and then 1 1/2 inches of ICE ontop of that!!! WHAT?! Yeah it's not like a NEW YORK blizzard ( shut it Jayce)... but it's alot for here! I'm not excited to have to drive in that bull malarky! AT ALL

I wanna cuddle up with a book, or a person... and just vegggggggggggggggggggggg in the snow. lol but it's not hapnin'-- lol

Anywhoooo I've rambled enough for now...
I again, wanna say THANKS for reading my bullshit. And PLEASE comment... I love others opinions ( wait, I said that already... hold on...is this blog about to recycle itself and start over?! WHAT?!)...

::shiver::

I better stop while I can

** Can you truly be "broken"? **

So, we all go through things right? I've read blog afte blog after blog about happy relationships, bad ones, getting over ex's, and rekindling the 'fire within'. The experiences are all different. Different words. Different ways of getting 'back on the horse'. It's all so different that it's almost the same...

My question is, can you TRULY be broken? Can you get to a point where you're so skeptical about new 'love' and relationships that you can't PHYSICALLY feel the things that are felt when new love is budding? Can your "butterflies" be gone for good? Lightheadedness permanently cured? Is it possible that one bad turn has ruined you for the rest?'

Before, I was so happy go lucky with love. Had never been IN LOVE (until the last situation), but had loved every bf that I'd had ( and they were few (under 4)). It took little less than the sound of their voice, or their name appearing on my caller id to start the flutters. A MILLION butterflies over an open field letting me know that I was happy...

There's a look that shades my eyes... kind of a puppydog, sappy, "I'm enamoured" look. It's so thick that even I notice ( and you know these things are usually pointed out by people on the outside looking in). That look is gone. I've not had it for almost 2 years. I miss it. I miss how I used to feel.

I have NO INTEREST in any man. Usually there's someone who tickles my fancy. But now. Nothing. I actually have tried to weed as many men out of my life as possible. Only really talking to Kris ( my friend here), Jayce (my friend in NY), and sometimes Byron... a friend I talk to from time to time online. Other guys... annoy me. When there are sexual references made (by ANY MAN), that ALSO annoys me... Which is shocking... because USUALLY, I'm the one making the lewd comments. Ugh. I hate this.

I'm not really sure if you can be broken. If it's possible... I am there.

** Me Being ME ** (Bored on Sunday Afternoon) Video Blog

Ummm why are sunday afternoons so damn boring!? Seriously... I was going through my old videos... and found one of my favorites... it's my fave because it depicts me being my silly ass self... lol... I sometimes put together video's of myself... lol Mostly out of Boredom... Sometimes just because I feel like it... I'm not vain-- AT ALL!! LMAO Just usually BORED!!!

So here goes... for your viewing pleasure-- or displeasure... A COUPLE of vids of me... lol

This one is really just clips from movies I made SOLELY to pull pictures from... I just spliced them together with one of my FAVORITE songs in the world Chris Issac "Wicked Game"... :)

** Hahaha Cheat Day Gone Awry!!! **

OKKKkkk... soooooooo I always give myself ONE DAY to cheat! just one! Today was the day...and let me note that it's approximately 1:57pm Eastern Standard time....
So far I have had 1,900 calories!!!!! HOLY SHIT!

On a normal... noncheat day, I take in anywhere from 1200-1800 calories. This is how I've regained that jawline... I ALLOW myself up to 2000 calories a day (which, because of my size, still puts me at a caloric deficit of AT LEAST 1500 for the day). SOoooo... even though I gave myself this CHEAT DAY... I am realizing that I feel HORRIBLE!!!!!!! I probably will only be eating salmon (from the pouch) and apples for the rest of the day... lol Whoa

... Because I NEED TO BE SHAMED I will LIST all the idiocy that I've ingested since I woke up this morning....

What I've Eaten SO FAR Today

6 Oreo Double Stuffed Cookies (3 when I woke up and 3 just a minute ago) =280 calories
6 KFC Hot wings ( the ones w/ no sauce but still hot) = 450 calories 1 KFC Chicken Breast (w/skin)= 380 calories ( would have only been 140 if I had taken the skin off)
1 McDonalds McDouble = 390 calories
1 McDonalds Southern Style Chicken Breast Sandwich= 400 calories (had ketchup on it do there were probably MORE calories involved...

HOW RIDICULOUS!!!!???!!! It's not even HALFWAY OVER!!! Grrr.. I refuse to eat anything else so crazy... This just goes to show that when UNLEASHED I have NO self control! That's why my eating is so STRICT when I'm not having a cheat day...

Grrr... @ myself... it's hilarious to look at all that... lol hilariously sad... And they say eating isn't an addiction! HA!

Sexy Lingerie... I SO CAN'T WAIT!!!

One thing that "big girls" miss out on that I can't WAIT to do is... wear sexy lingerie ( and look damn hot in it)... I DEFINATELY plan to rock this sorta thing on the REGULAR when I get to where I wanna be...



This one would probably be reserved for the wedding night... I can see me with my black hair-- and tanned skin... sashaying into the room w/my hubby waiting for me... lol
I SO CANNOT wait to wear some lingerie... lol

I just thought this ensemble was really pretty... Just sayin... I'm gonna wear it in the house by myself... hahaha They say you have to seduce YOU. So JAE WATCH OUT!!!

Lets not forget the kinky side of things... I could be santa's helper in THAT get up for SURE-- and Who wouldn't like to have their house cleaned by a sexi sexi french maid... lol Something about LOOKING sexy just makes it so. You could be wearing some holey granny panties and a big ole 10 clasp bra, but if you THINK you're the shit... well then you exude that confidence that absolutely MAKES you the shit.

One thing I DO NOT like is MEN in lingerie-- ew... I love my man in some boxer briefs. PERIOD. Love to see a man in that more than I love him naked ( maybe I was lookin' @ the wrong naked body... lol). Yum Yum Yum on some damn boxer briefs...

subservient chicken

OMG!!! This is just what I needed right now... If you go to THIS SITE and type in your command... this guy will do WHATEVER YOU SAY!!! This is a REAL dude in the suit...

My kiddo and I played w/ him for a while... and now I'll pass him on for your pleasure... lol

**She's Having My Baby**

... So today, my most recent ex, who I still harbor feelings for tells me, he's going to be a father.
....
.....
......

WOOOooooo sahhhhhhhh
....
.....
......

At first, I'm HYSTERICAL! I'm talking hyperventilation, crying, all the memories we made slapping me in the face... ALL THE WHILE, texting ( yes, this all happened on text message, as most of our breakup's, makeup, i love u, and family planning had previously.) him how excited and happy I was for them. How he'd be a phenomenal father and how he deserved it. My body was shaking like a damn leaf. Stomach rolllllling and I'm struggling to hold down my morning apple...

... I saw my fairytale not only come to an end, but, the storybook SLAM SHUT and get thrown into the fire. Just a year ago, we were planning our lives together. Planning for which montessori school my daughter would attend in Houston. Planning where the baby that we'd have would sleep. Where I'd work. My job had HIRED SOMEONE to replace me (because they knew I was leaving...) And now, I'm here... he's there, She's pregnant.

Hmmm...

.... My next reaction was thankfulness. I am someone who hopes against ALL HOPE that things will work out. Even when the odds seem insurmountable, I still hope. In order for me to give up on someone or something, I have to have it taken OUT OF MY HANDS. God has looked out for me... and taken this out of my hands. He gave me every opportunity to realize that Jim and I weren't right for each other... but still I ignored him, and I hoped that one day... etc. Now, it's done. FOR REAL for real... lol

... After thankfulness, came true happiness. I was happy for him. He's going to be a great father. I wish him luck... and know that someday, when I'm ready, God will bestow upon me the happiness in love that I deserve. I won't settle for craziness... as I would have w/ Jim. God spared me from making a grave mistake. And him from making the same. Thank you Jesus.

... So then we were there... on the text message. Him telling me how he had seen the babys' heartbeat on Thursday... and how she was 9 weeks along. How everyone was very happy, and how they'd eventually get married. Discussing baby names and what the future held. I'm ok w/ this. Really... In the bright light of day... I'm ok w/ this. Who knows what nightfall will bring... when I'm alone and the house is quiet. I just hope that things are as happy for me someday, as they seem for him. It's a beautiful thing. Sadness, thankfulness, and finally acceptance. all w/n 1 hour...

Good Luck Jimmie... I love you and wish you nothing but the best...

Obama Raps Kanye...LOVE THIS!!!

Look at the Shimmy that he does @ the beginning... how CUTE is President Obama... I saw this on the blog of Raethoven... and then linked to it on Youtube... good stuff... Gotta love Obama...

Three Weeks--- 22lbs Not too bad. and MY JAWLINE'S BACK! YIPEEEE

Soooo it's week 3 into my "New Year, New Jae" venture... I jumped on the scale today and YIPPPEEEE 5 more lbs... Which brings me to 22lbs in 3 weeks. I wish I had some PRE-DIET face shots... but I don't-- so I'll have to EXPLAIN the differences...

The crappy thing about being ENORMOUS (Besides actually BEING enormous), is that even as you lose weight, it is hard to tell. 22lbs on a 150lb person would be a very noticeable difference. but on someone who weighs as much as me ( HA! You thought I was gonna tell ya... ), it's a drop in the bucket.

The BIG thing that prompted me to take action was that I was unhappy in my life. I realized that my weight had turned me into more of an introvert than I EVER wanted to be. I've ALLLLWAYS been the center of attn (as most Gem's need to be)-- but because I always thought people were talking about me and thinking that I'm fat and ugly... I stayed to myself more.

All my life all I've had was my face. Never the GREAT BODY. Either FAT or BUILT (muscularly) large. I have been smaller before, but never skinny... I barely remember wearing a size 12... and I think that I was about that same age when I wore it... I was a cheerleader in Highschool... but, not the skinny minnie type. I was ALWAYS thick (Healthy thighs (muscular) and an ample hindquarters... lol)... but when I got older and in college... I became REALLY big... and after I had my kiddo-- it just continued and continued and continued...

At THIS point (now), I weigh about 50lbs more than I did when I was 9 months preggers. and it's depresssing. BUT-- my drop in the bucket will eventually add up, and I'll be where I wanna be... For now though, I have to be content to notice the subtle differences that we bigg-uns can call our "tip of the iceburg"

3 weeks ago, I had NO JAWLINE. Not even a HINT of one. I had grown that thing that hangs from your chin to your throat... the perma-double chin. No matter WHAT direction you turned. you saw shit UNDER your chin... now... I have this...

YAY!!! An actual JAWLINE-- I can actually POSITION THE CAMERA UNDER my head-- and not see my chin! WHOOO HOO... I check everyday... and ma so happy when the layer of fat between my skin and my actual jawbone gets thinner... and thinner and thinnnnnnnner... yip yip. My face is MUCH slimmer... even slimmer than last weeks blog... and WAY thinner than the TEST blog... you can KINDA see the differences...

Jawwwwlineeee--- I've misssssed you!!!

--Other subtle differences, My WRISTS are alot smaller. My ankles are smaller and my clothes are starting to get a bit loose. My hands are thinning out as well.

--Seems to me that I am losing very evenly... My back is smaller ( youknow thost back handles... lmao)-- they're melting away... AND AND AND... My ARSE is smaller in my car seat!

This is QUITE an exciting journey... I love the new changes... Love the attention that I'm regaining most of ALL!!! I actually had a guy LOOK at me recently! That hasn't happened in quite sometime. I felt kinda cute I guess... lol he watched me out of the store and THEN came to the window and peered at me... lol... I DO BELIEVE I was oogled! hahaha

Anywhooo-- my next step is to get my NECK back-- lmao-- this is a pic from just a few months ago ( maybe a year or so... ). I was STILL heavy... but about 20lbs lighter than I am now... so HOPEFULLY I'll get my NECK DEFINITION back next... lol

Umm.. Jayce Tagged me.. so I guess I'll do it.

Five yummy things:
1. PUMPKIN pie (Not sweet potato... ew)
2. French Vanilla/Lemon mixed cake
3. Cheesecake
4. My lipgloss (it's flavored for HIS pleasure... lol)
5. ME! (Just bein' honest!)

Five songs I know by heart:
1. Ave Maria (In Latin)
2. Don't Speak (lol you just reminded me of that one Jayce)
3. Always (As) Stevie Wonder
4. Diary by Alicia Keys ((Iknow this one tooo... that my be my next MYSPACE KARAOKE venture... lmao)
5. Reach Out (Written by my exie Freeeebie--- and sung by Nikkie Batey ( @ least my favorite version is.. )

Five places I would like to escape to (in no particular order):
1. Brazil
2. Spain
3. Japan (that would be fun)
4. India
5. Anywhere w/ a nice water feature

Five things I would never wear:

1. To be honest I can't say something I'd NEVER wear...
2. An Athletic Supporter ( duh )
3. Hmmm
4. Seriously... I'd try anything
5. I'm not a fashionista... lol

Five favorite TV shows (in no particular order):
1. Run's House (Rev Run is the BEST DADDY... and I hope my hubby is like him)
2. The Cosby Show
3. Any home makeover show on HGTV
4. Lock-up
5. ALMOST ANY Reality T.V Show

Five things I enjoy doing (in no particular order):
1. Writing
2.Hanging out w/ my daughter out
3. Making others laugh
4. Reading
5. Umm Sex/Being close w/ a partner.

Five Favorite toys (in no particular order):
1. My ADULT toys... ;^)
2. Play Doh ( but I always made lewd figures w/ the dough)
3. Sit and Spin
4. My radio ( I love music...)
5. Men... xD

** Off the Cuff** Your choice

Maybe I've said too much.
But I refuse to recant.
Love it or hate it.
Change who I am.
I shant.
You can take me or leave me
but it's your place to choose.
If that choice is to step away
in the end know
you'll lose.
With softness of cotton
your friendship I've won
don't venture away from me
when my words are " no fun ".
Perhaps i said what i have said
because i want you to see...
There's no cuteness or laughter
on the flipside of me.
So know the true Jae
then gather your thoughts
Understand that my need for you
will never outweigh my wants.
I don't need shining armor
or horses that're white.
I just need you to listen
as I ramble at night..

=== Off the cuff === written as it came to mind
shitty -- but true

~Jae

I am a true Gemini

I never realized I was such a Gemini until today.
By nature, we're supposed to be fickle people. Easily bored, shiftless, flighty, promiscuous and all in all not good people to be 'interested' in or in a 'relationship' with. Me, I like to say I was born on the cusp of Gemini and Cancer. June 19th is my birthday, and to me, I have alot of the sensitivity and loyalty of a Cancer. On other fronts... I'm ALLLLL GEM!

I become bored w/ men who actually LIKE me. If you show too much interest. I want you GONE. If you let me, I'll walk allllll over you. I'll play w/ your heart and make you think you're the best thing walking... all the while... wishing I'd never given you any indication that I had an inkling of a smigend of interest in you.

Instead of just telling you that I am not interested anymore, I'll make you hate me. I'll do WHATEVER I have to do to get you to detest me so that I don't have to be the bad guy or the person that ends things. I've ended relationships this way... I've ended FRIENDSHIPS this way. I just get to a point where I don't care.

I'll ignore you. Pretend you don't exsist until you leave me alone. Then when you leave me alone, I'll lure you back in so I can do it all over again. I may look like the victim in the crime... but usually I'm the perpetrator. about 90% of the time.

I wasn't honest in my last relationship. In the one that I wanted to last forever. I was dishonest in ALOT of ways. Ways that I'll never disclose. Ways that are senseless and mean. Harsh. I wasn't a good girlfriend. I never have been the best. When I'm devoted to you... that last as long as it does... and then I'm not. It'll never occur to you that I'm not anymore... because you'll just be trying to get out...

I need to get things off my chest. Things I did. Things I wish I'd not done. But. I'll never tell. Only the other parties involved would know. I'm not a good person. I want you to think I am. But underneath it all. I'm not.

Just so you know.

Haha-- President Obama is ONLY Human... and it IS a good stress reliever... lol

Hahaha--- I just happened upon this...and thought it was funny because really, I thought the SAME THING!!! LMAOOO TMZ (lol) asks the question, "Do you think President and First Lady Obama, consumated the presidency?"

Did They Do It?! (MySpace Exclusive)

Hahahahahah Ummm my vote is HELLLZ YEAH! Say I was Michelle Obama... watchin' my man take the oath of office (incorrectly)... I would be slip slidin' allll up and THROUGH my boyshorts! LMAOOO YOU KNOW he waxed that when they got home...

I don't know... Something about President Obama makes me believe he's GANGSTA behind closed doors and likes that freaky stuff... UMPH Umph umph... I DO love that man...

Check 'em out.

SO DAMN URKED AT INTRA-RACIAL RACISM

(this is MY arm and MY leg)--- Notice the difference? There are NO camera effects here.. My arm REALLY [was] that dark this summer yet my legs ARE the color than I am now (winter) all the time because I don't do shorts or skirts.... That color difference to me, is nothing... but to others-- is EVERYTHING... with that being said....

It's rant time again....

I'm so SICK of people WITHIN MY OWN RACE making the actual SHADE of our skin an issue!!! MY ENTIRE LIFE I've been pegged the "light-skinned, yella, stuck up, or white" girl... just because my skin is fair or my hair is fine.

NO! I am not BI-RACIAL.

NO! I don't think I'm better than ANYONE. And if I did-- it would have NOTHING TO DO w/ the shade of my skin or the texture of my hair... Those are superficial things. Things I couldn't care LESS about. Things that wouldn't make or break me if I lost the "privilege" (as some call it) of having.

THEN! I get that I'm a "wanna be" because I know how to speak! WHAT?! Am I supposed to speak in ebonics and wear crazy hairstyles just because my race box says " black "?

THIS URKS ME! We are one people! BLACK. Light skinned, dark, chocolate, or other... why do we turn in on ourselves? Why must we discriminate against OURSELVES!!!??!

I read someone (presumably) saying that Barack Obama wasn't 'black enough' That we had a Black President but that they'd be happy when their President was "Black". I misinterpreted what this person meant... based on my sensitivity w/ the subject... but it did bring me to the conclusion that you just can't WIN for losing!!

Barack speaks with proper english, loves his wife and family, has made something of himself and has ULTIMATELY put the spotlight on us as a people and given us the opportunity to CHANGE the way others see our race.

WHY THEN must we tear him down? WHY THEN must we say that he's not "one of us" because he doesn't play the victim. He doesn't continuously talk about how downtrodden he is or the difficulties he's had. He doesn't try to DIVIDE and conquer... he tries to UNIFY and inspire...

HIS OWN PEOPLE! Tearing him down. I can't STANDDDDDDDD it.

Let us stand w/ President Obama. Let us take this chance to come out from behind the "race card" and the "victim" mentality. Let us take what has happend TO our ancestors and the people who have lost their lives to pave the way for us, and make opportunities happen FOR us.

NO LONGER can we say " The Man " is keeping us DOWN... WE ARE The man. HE IS US. ALL OF US. BLACK/WHITE/ASIAN/or OTHER...

Get behind him.

He is our President.

PLEEEASE PLEASE Please pleaaaaaaaase... (ala James Brown)

Seriously.

I neeeeeeeeeeeed it...

I don't need to elaborate.

I'm sure you know what I mean.

Some that I enjoy. Some that makes me sigh.

I WANNNNAAAAAA BEEEEEEEEE SEDATEEEEED!!! LOL

GRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm gonna enlist a penpal... just to write me taudry emails and texts. lol One really good nasty dirty raunchy out of this world text would PROBABLY put me in orbit...

Maybe I need to get a prison penpal... LMAOOOO They can probably come up with some insanity... lol and I'll never have to actually get w/ them... lmao

BLAH BLAH BLAH... I'm sexually frustrated and repressed.

There are always words

Soooo-- I was reading the blog of Ms. Kenya http://kenyatns.blogspot.com/2009/01/do-you-have-trigger-word.html (umm yeah, sorry I don't know how to make it just say the word instead of the entire link... lol)

and it inspired me...

I've always believe that there are words, in ANY situation, that can change it for the better. A breakup can always be unbroken, hatred can begin to be reversed, and new love can begin to flourish. There are always words...

What about words to make you hot? Do you have words that can change your demeanor or arouse you? Are there words that set your temper aflair or your panties afire?? What does it take, verbally, to make you awaken sexually. No touch. Just words...

ME... I like a good mind-fuck. Just being honest. I could use cushie words and try to candy coat it but why? This is MY blog... lol. I like a man who can feed me mentally. Make me think. Make me reconsider my own ideals w/ your views and insights. We don't have to be speaking on anything remotely sexual... but if you are good at what you do... then I will be forever yours...

On the other hand... there are things you can say to infuriate me. One word I hate to hear is "NO". Being told "no" (in certain instances of course), makes my face hotttttt... almost blinds me and I tune all else out. Another way to almost paralyze me with anger is to tell me to " GET OUT!". WHAT??!!!!!! GET OUT? Really? I can't even COMPREHEND what that phrase means! GRRR

SEXUALLLLLLY... I love to be talked to dirty... Not just " Yeah girl... I'm gonna beat it up" (because that's CORNY! (lol)), but crazy out of site nasty dirty gutter talk. I like graphic stories and texts.. ACTUALLY-- If you send me a text that makes me hot, I'll read it over and over and over and over again.

Nothing better than a deep voice telling me how much they want to... ahem...let me stop... lmao... I'm just saying... I love it... even better when it's being said while they're pulling a handful of my hair or holding me down tightly...

Hmmm... wow... ok.. it's been a while right?! lol

**Would Prince Appreciate this? LOL!!!**

Ok... I'm a die hard fan of Robert Pattinson... ok, maybe not DIE HARD... but I DO think he's pretty damn hot... So I was bored this afternoon and crusin' through pics of him on photobucket... Then I happened upon this... and proceeded to laugh my ASS off... hahahaha

Would Prince appreciate this?! lmaooooooooooooooo

This is what his sexiness REALLY looks like.. UMPH Umph umph...How damn handsome is he?! Wow

** Poem from my old blog** ((but very relevant now))

I AM…

I am poetry in motion
Festering wound that will not heal
I am the one you most desire
Yet still the one you cannot feel
I am a towering Inferno
My passion strong as pounding fists
I am the one who waits for my man
I am that one he will not miss
I am the hope of futures flourish(ing)
Against the odds we won’t surmount
I am the thinker of the thoughts you hide
I can’t put them in your mouth
I am honesty in it’s purest form
She who’d sacrifice for you
I am dealing with reality
I’ll be living Without you.by

~Jae Spence

(how appropriate! :^)

** Kiss me til I'm breathless **

This first part is taken from my old blog... on Yahoo 360... I guess I was wanting feening and needing to kiss then... as I am no. To me... that's more intimate than intercourse... the right kiss... the perfect kind can set me on fire... and make me smollllder... I know you've felt it...

The Hunger

Come on, we've all felt it.... A feeling that begins as a seemingly insignificant stirring of the mind... A fleeting fleck of a memory -0r- a vague vision of a fantasy. Less than a nano-second passes, yet still, that smigend of time controls the remaider of your day, week, and shit, if it's strong enough your life.
Soon, you find your eyes glazed over as small twinges begin to awaken you to the exsistence of your breasts. Suddenly, you remember your reasoning for splurging 200.00 on this new bra. The soft lace. All too aware because that lace is acting as a catalyst for that rising in your nipples. Bringing just the right combination of 'oooh' and 'ahhhh' everytime you move an inch. Inconspicuously molesting your chest, caressing your breast, withdrawn yet expressed.
A million spider-web fine threads begin at the apex of your bosom and extend downward... barely touching the skin... tickling the delicate surface of the stomach... winding and twisting... snagging lightly in the tiny vellus hairs... rousing each and every follicle to attention, anticipation of satiation.
The cauldron turns... below, the tiny threads melt into a flurry of cotton candy and licorice. Sweet, yet distinctive enough that the flavor can never be forgotten. delicately hidden amongst thighs of redwood and oak, this once placid river is now rolling with uncompromising fury... white water rapids, rip tides, and waterfalls... that all began.... with a hunger...
??? Have you ever felt that hunger??? Is there someone who can take you there??? I wrote this as I was feeling it... I hope you enjoyed...

~Jae

(this part is from tonight... )

So sometimes I get short of breath. Thinking... remembering what it was like. the electricity just before the connection... the lingering want. passion. desire. so strong that all you can do is barely lick and gently nibble your own lip... slightly purse them... moisten.. tilt head to the side...

almost begging for the contact.

pleaseeeeeee... just a bit. a second of your kiss... it's an addiction. 'my own personal brand of heroin'... injecccccct me... don't make me wait...

so long... soooooo long... just neeeeeed that kiss... to make me breathless..

**Video Blog-- RAMBLING!!!! **

Yup... I'm just rambling about shit I've already said... lol
and I look shitty... lmao... but at least the mic isn't in my mouth this time. lol

UMMMM That's a HORRIBLE First frame!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA I had to come back in here and edit this to say that... it's hilarious.. lmaoooooo I look like a 'tard.

** I am ready. NO SERIOUSLY!!!**

This is my bedroom as it sits now... empty... lol.. lonely lonely bed... lmaoooo


** Ok... last night was kind of a knee jerk blog. Let me qualify my remarks today...





--Thought I know you can't dictate when it happens. I think you can say when you're ready. I am ready to be 'in love' again. I just have fond memories of the great things that were involved w/ that. I am trying to shut out all the bad things that were tangled in w/ those trappings... lol.. I am tired of "making due" with someone who adores me and that I don't have reciprocal feelings for. That's not fair to either party.





-- At somepoint you have to say ENOUGH. I won't settle anymore... And that's where I am. I've had what I deemed to be a great (part) of what 'love' should be. And I won't settle for less. I want someone who treats me well ( this dude does). Someone who's smart ( not so much ). Someone who has a bright future ( regardless to what that means... and believe me...it is relative). Someone who thinks the sun rises and sets in me (haha! Believe it or not Jay-- he did @ first ("jenny")). Someone who makes me smile just by smiling... Someone who's frown makes me smile. Someone who's heartbreak also breaks my heart. Someone to be proud of. Someone to hold. Someone to wakeup next to and take that 'deep breath'.. you know which one I mean... the one that says... how did I get so damn lucky.





-- He's out there... and he'll find me. He'll find me while I'm volunteering... Or at the Gym... or taking a class... or something like that. My dream man doesn't hang out at the club. Blah... Blah Blah... Blah... I'm so sick of typing about love... SICK! I'm gonna put a "once a week" clause in my love subject matter section of the blog! lmaoooo

** I don't like sex **

Tonight, I've come to the conclusion that I don't like sex. Not sex w/o intimacy. I mean, yeah it's supposed to be soft and blah blah blah... But nah. No more. I'm done w/ it. Don't like it.. can't remember the last time it was good... probably like 2 yrs ago or something...

No sex in 2009.
Duhn.

Jae

** My Horoscope Compelled me to Write **

** I looked @ my horoscope today (as I do everyday because I believe in Astrology whole heartedly )-- And it said something that I tell people all the time... check it out...

Gemini - January 17, 2009

Not everyone is going to live up to your expectations. Be prepared to accept someone for who they are; the good, bad and their quirkiness.

-- So many of my friends complain about our/their other friends and the things that they dislike about them. It's not so much back biting, as venting. I understand not liking EVERYTHING about someone ( who loves every single quirk that each of their friends/lovers have?), but at some point you have to make that ever present decision... " Can I handle this? Is it worth it? ". And usually it is because the good far outweighs the bad..

-- I have friends that are the biggest liars I've ever met. Friends that are very promiscuous (sp?). Friends that are sometimes bitches. And guy friends that are DOGS!!! The thing is, I love them all. Some of them have been friends from wayyyyy back. Some are actually family that just happen to be friends. Everytime something comes up, I ask myself ' Is this the last straw?". It never is.

-- When you love someone, friendship or otherwise you have to accept them for who they are and not who you'd like to see them be. Know how to read the lies. Know how not to get sucked into the backbiting. Be happy. Be that friend that doesn't require the question. Be the he rationale behind the madness...

I'm not always the rationale... Sometimes I agree. Sometimes I'm the venter. Regardless though.. I love you.. I accept you.. The answer is always yes...

:)

completely incoherant rambling.

I have a calorie complex now
If I eat something and I think it may put me close to my limit-- I wig out and get anxious
I love country music
my tummy hurts
maybe that's the calorie complex
i did have a hershey bar...
but it didn't put me over my cals
I feel like people don't believe I've lost 17lbs
I can't really believe it.
I'm sick of being alone
but i don't wanna be w/ anyone
except
well i'll stop right there
i hate when people tell me what to do
or stifle my words
GRRR
I think i'm going to go to the gym tomorrow
i have only been once this week
that's bad.
music is my addiction
i need to clean my apt
i hope to move very soon
i hate daddy's girls
i love run's house
i hope to marry a man w/ Rev Run's personality/values
Angela's voice sounds weird. like she's in pain
I love my kiddo so much
she's just like me
back to daddy's girls
the girl with the long curly hari on there is dingy
and the cousin is dude-ish
ok... what's up w/ "schwee"? lol
'The night is young... The night is in Diapers?"
I wanna go to SanFrancisco this year.
And I wanna go to Brazil w/n the next 18 months
I hope J (Jose') goes w/ me
I also wanna go to Trinidad
I KNOW he'll go w/ me there.
Still looking for volunteer opportunities
I'm sick of everyone that I talk to.
I'm sleepy but too lazy to get up and turn everything off so i can go to bed
I am buying a multivitamin tomorrow!
gotta

Setbacks suck

I'll start this on a good note... then let it tank... I've lost 7 more lbs this week... Last week was 10... 17lbs in 2 weeks... I think that's beautiful!!! I just have to get me a new multivitamin (or a FIRST multivitamin)... because my energy level SUCKS... lol... and now for my blog..

How can you love someone so much that you can't get past it inspite of yourself? Giving so much of yourself that there's barely any left to call your own. Regardless to what happens, still wishing... Knowing that you're better... that there's better for you... that they've moved on... but that you're still pining...





It's insulting... to me. I insult myself everyday because theres barely a moment that passes that I don't think about that failure. Setbacks are exacerbated by different things... This one was because I was messaged by my failure yesterday... then drempt about it last night... and today was asked about it.... And this song... playing now "My Immortal" by Evanessence, reminded me so much... as it pumped though my ipod-- I paused my work... put my head in my palms... and shed a silent tear....





... it's sad... how you're trying so hard to let something go... for so long that it's insane... and yet... you realized... as this song says " you still have all of me."...





Setbacks suck

My daughter and I Video Blogging... Sheesh

OK!!! My Vlogs will never be more than 5 minutes... but my kiddo wanted to get on as well... and she then wanted to sing... and act silly and ... well ... be herself... I love this broad... she's just like her mommy... lol

So here is my kid... and I-- Before bed... blogging... This is like 11 minutes long... lmao it's funny though. So watch if you like... and if not... I COMPLETELY understand... But If you wanna see how I was as a kid--- you'll watch! LMAO

Test Audio/Video Blog....

(you may need to stop the music player on the side to hear this properly... Iono-- just a suggestion...lol)

This is just a test... I have on NO make up-- and my hair is EVERYWHERE... I am NOT naked--- I have on the shirt I wear to bed! lmao-- There is test video @ first...and then audio later... you get to see just how goofy I look, am, and sound... lol

*I think I've lost it*

Ok... this is a MINI-rant...

I think I've lost it. My love for men. Don't get me wrong... I don't LOVE women now... I just think I don't have a capacity to actually like males romantically anymore. There are a few people who have vyed for my attn... and I have NO interest!

To be honest, it pisses me off. I remember being all enamoured and shyte and the butterflies and all that jazz... but I've not had those in so damn long! This isn't to say that I won't stay open... But it's like if someone w/ a penis talks to me... I get PISSED almost IMMEDIATELY. My patience is GONE.

What the f'ck is wrong w/ Jae?! handsome dudes... People that I may have gone for before. I have ZERO time. ZILCH! NIL! None!

It's almost instantaneous. GRRRR

My Bestie Deanna Brown American Idol Hollywood!!!

I'm so proud of Ms. Deanna Brown -- My bestie that made it to Hollywood on American Idol (Arizona)

She sang "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding... This girl has a UNIQUE voice. Different than anything I've EVER HEARD. Definately a market for a beautiful blonde right? I just happen to be fortunate enough to be best friends w/ her I met her freshman year of highschool. She was the new girl...And we began our friendship singing "Killing Me Softly" in the bleachers in the gymnasium... and it's been history ever since.

My daughter calls her aunt Deanna, and finds it interesting that she's my 'sister'. lol This girl has talent... and regardless as to how far she goes on "Idol", I know she's got a bright future... Beautiful girl, beautiful spirit, beautiful voice.

Hear her here:: http://www.rickey.org/?p=10984

Good Luck babes---

Off the Cuff

ok so i jotted this today @ work as I was thinkin' about someone... it was off the cuff and isn't good at alll... but whatever. it's genuine... This song playing ( Complicated Melody -India Arie ) reminds me of him... and PERFECTLY describes how I think of this person. :) (Hope not to embarass this person...if they read it... )


Just So U Know....

Step out in your exquisite style
Long legs, strong arms traverse the miles
Don’t hide from me, that brooding smile
Imagined reality
Misunderstood, and barely heard
No meaning
Just won’t speak the words
Their emptiness seem so absurd
Imagined reality
Watching you swing free your cape
Flail out expanse to keep it straight
All to veil those you will keep safe
Imagined reality
So complicated and so unique
In riddles, rhymes, and verse
He speaks
Imagined, not to those he seeks
Unveiled humanity.
For a short time someone can say
She held him there
They steeled away
Until the dawning of the day
In sweet simplicity.

(c) Jae Spencer 2009

... still mad?

** lonliness sucks. Basically **

Blah. I'm that girl.

I'm that girl that has to be cuddled and adored...

I have to be texted 5-trillion times a day just because.

I neeed random and spontaneous smooches...

lots of them.

I need to make goo-goo eyes @ you all the time.

I need to stroke your arm.. your back.. your neck.. etc

I'm that girl

The one who wants to know that you are thinking of me.

It stinks when you don't do it.

I sometimes feel worthless.

I feel like no one likes me

thought I know that's not true.

I'm scared alot.

Bills stress me out... but I pay them anyway.

The bachelor is way too long tonight.

Why hasn't there been a black bacherlor/bachelorette

Why hasn't there been a plus sized bachelor/bachelorette..

They should let me be her... that would kill two birds w/ one stone

I hate doing laundry-- but I do it anyway.

I miss my mom.

I miss her as she was..

I can't stand my (Bio) mom.

She hasn't been there for me in this trying time.

I confess I will probably never forgive her for it.

I need to vacuum the floor.

I secretly like my job.

i guess it's not a secret anymore.

I want to move soon.

I want to move to Philadelphia eventually

or maybe California

perhaps New York

Chicago might be nice.

I love to kiss

good kisses

I won't kiss you if you have bad oral hygiene

I think I spelled hygiene wrong.

I refuse to spell check it.

I love the smell of baby lotion

and baby powder

I put it under my sheets

I have a crush on David Beckham

and my friend Deanna's friend Deepak

oh... and Robert Pattinson

I will probably end up marrying outside of my race.

I confess that there is really only one man that gives me faith in my own race of men

I confess that he will be cloned.

I confess that he's probably "shaking his head" at the lines 3 up from this one ( and the one after that too)

They gym is working...

I did more running today-- and it didn't almost kill me.

My heart rate is coming down with higher speeds

that's good right?

Love sucks

I have a "thing" for middle eastern men.

I may have developed a 'think' for indian men.

or maybe it's just the one.

I'm sleepy.

I secretly want at least 2 of my ex's back.

I guess THAT's not a secret either.

I need to remember why they're ex's

I'm usually ashamed of myself.

but I'm working on that.

I never think I'm 'good' enough

If my mom dies, I'll probably not see my family for quite sometime

I'm going to become detached

I plan on doing that on purpose.

Bah-- I'm sick of rambling...

for tonight...

This is what happens when I have nothing to write about.

Congrats if you read all that... lol

** Fuhnie-- I was just talking about this **

.. How songs evoke things in me...

I just heard this song for the first time today. It's EXACTLY how I felt @ the end of my last relationship. I won't say much about that... but the lyrics are PERFECT... (except the 'coming to blows' part... )

The disbelief that it's "over" just because the passion's there when the love making is happening. Misconstruing things and letting them slide because you refuse to believe they really don't want to be w/ you anymore...

It's so me when she says "It just know, you'll come around. Right?"... Booooo Freakin' WHOOOOOO...

Crazy... I heard this... and almost cried... Even when you think you're over something... Something comes up and makes you think about it... minor setback.. ;)

Love Pink's emotion in this one...

** I know I don't know you... But I want you... Sooooo baddddd "

Perhaps it's because I am a lover of music. Perhaps it is because I'm an extremely sensitive and outwardly 'in touch' person... but for me... there is a song that explains every single emotion that I'm having. Songs that explain my anger (The Beautiful People- Marilyn Manson). Songs that you can use to break up with someone ( It's over -- Roy Orbison ). Songs to let someone know how much you're going to miss them (Goodbye My Lover -- James Blunt ).

Every song makes me feel a certain way.. and long after the fact... will evoke that SAME emotion... and take me back there. I identify situations w/ songs. Remember them w/ the song that may or may not have been playing ( in the atmosphere... or in my mind)...

The same goes w/ songs making ME feel a certain way. The song playing right now... as I write this song is Maroon 5-- Secret ( It's also playing right now... as YOU'RE reading it... )... This song makes me think of the emotions that would be running through me as I met a new person with whom I've become a bit infatuated. I don't know him... he's a friend of a friend.... and PROBABLY it will NEVER EVER EVER EVER come to pass... but when I meet him ( and I will MEET him... if nothing else ) I'm sure these lyrics will be running through my head " I know I don't know you... but I want you sooooooooooo bad.."...

For whatever reason... this song... umm... makes me feel sexy and seductive... I can SO see myself making a vid to this song later on... not tonight... but @ somepoint... seductive eyes and smile... this song makes me think of that...

a nice black dress w/ some knee high boots.. hair down and long... wavy... fringe bang... a dim club perhaps playing this song in the background... eyeing this person as they walk in... legs crossed head slightly tilted... slightly biting lip... eyecontact.....

I know I don't know you... but I want you ... soooooo bad....

that's another thing the eyes can convey-- desire...

** These Eyes (Part II ) **

Windows to the soul indeed. Generally, you can read all the emotion contained w/n a person through their eyes. Look deep... you can see all the wins, defeats, re-births, and new burials. The eyes are the first marker of suprise, disappointment, lies, and truths. Only the most SKILLED PSYCHO can conceal the entire mystery-- of their eyes...

This set of deep brown peepers have seen alot... too much... look deep.

... what would YOUR eyes tell mine?...

The Eyes Have It

Tonight, as I milled through all the pictures on my desktop... I noticed something. There were SEVERAL pictures of me (duh)... MANY of my friends... TONS of my daughter... family, etc... and there were a FEW pictures of my "ex". NOW... the thing I noticed... was the look in our eyes. The look in HIS eyes and MINE in different pictures around the same period of time...

dead.

There were some where i could just see immense saddness behind my deep brown peepers. And in his, I read anger, frustration, and just the fact that he was 'gone'.

The crazy thing is... as I texted him earlier and decided that we definately needed to be friends ( Because he REALLY IS a phenomenal FRIEND ), I realized just how long I'd realized that we weren't each other's "the one"... These pictures served to help me pinpoint that timeline... We were together (off and on ) for what I'll call a year and a half... I realized that he wasn't the one...

1 1/2 months into the relationship.

This brings me to the question, why do we (or I) choose to hold onto something when we KNOW it's not right? Why do we hinder ourselves by allowing a misfit piece to just lay on top of the puzzle... blocking the ACTUAL placemaker settle? Security? A need not to "lose"? For me, those things had ALOT to do with it. I hate to lose. I was in love (yep... that soon... I'd fallen for him.) for the FIRST TIME EVER... and I didn't want to lose that "ooey gooey" feeling. but the thing is... Idid... I lost it... 1 1/2 months in.

Anywhooooo... the saddness in my eyes... it shook me.