... Guess who's in love...

... not me...

I feel like all my friends/family/aquaintances/dogs in the neighborhood/birds and locusts are in love.

... bastards...

They're all in love or falling there... or getting married.... or having a baby ( Jim (exie) had his a couple of days ago)... They're writing about love and bragging about romance and kissing and holding hands and cuddling and UGH!!!

... I am so frustrated ...

Not that I'm NOT in love... that I don't CARE TO BE in love!! Like...I miss companionship... and I've tried to FORCE myself into caring and feeling for someone... and I don't. Nope. Not one Iota...

Definitely... I am realizing that I am a completely different person in this realm of my life than I have ever been. Not wide eyed. Not eager. Guarded. Icy even. not myself.

Meds? Could be. I've restarted my A.D.D meds ( about a month ago )... and asked for Depression meds... because things for me were getting a little too... ummm... dark.

It's astonishing how you can fool people... You'd never guess what's really going on in someone's head if they gave you a smile and a laugh. You can't see a slow death when it's veiled in a vibrant living front... ;)

So anyway... Everyone's in love.

... yeah...

congrats

*bastards*

**Ain't We Lucky WE Got 'Em**

...I'm sure every one of us has watched "Good Times" and laughed, cried (when James died), or scoffed at the outlandishness of J.J... But yesterday, I as I lay in bed watching the dynamic of the Evans family... I was touched... by 'James'.

NO!... Not by John Amos, the actor that PLAYED James Evans... but by the man or character that he was... In the episode that I was watching, James had been offered a place in the apprenticeship that would pay him more money that he'd ever made ( 4.20hrly). He was so excited to finally be able to do for his family that he dressed in his Sunday's best (or his 'goin' to a funeral clothes' as Florida called them), and ordered Florida to buy the best food, drink, and party favors that thier RENT MONEY could buy...

To make a long story short, he got to the office only to find that a mistake in the computer caused them to show him 10 years younger than he actually was, and subsequently made him TOO OLD for the apprentice program... so he didn't get the job...

INSTEAD of going home and griping and whining about WOE IS ME and THE MAN IS KEEPING ME DOWN he proceeded to tell his wife... who then SUPPORTED him and told him as long as they had family, and they were happy, that they'd make it (I'll speak on this in a bit)... James found a side job to get the money that he'd wasted on the party... and that was that... SCUFFLED to make ends meet for his fam.

TO ME... James Evans is the epitome of what a black father should be. YES! He was BROKE ... but he provided for his family by ANY means necessary ( being a dishwasher, car wash attendant, etc). He held onto his role as a strong black patriarch of their family and ruled with a stern, yet loving hand. James is supportive of his wife and in turn, gets her support... If I find a James Evans... my search is over... period. Broke or not.

As for Florida in this episode, it showed me that we should recognize when our men are TRYING to do well... Let's praise and encourage them for what they're DOING and stop downing them for what they're NOT doing... I mean if they're TRULY trying to better themselves... let's be behind them :)

Aight...I'm off my James Evans High Horse

...

Almost back...
I sooooooo wanna write a blog tonight... but I just downed a 'night night' pill and a bit of rum... so I don't expect to be on this side of consciousness for very much longer...

I have SOOO much blog catching up to do ( reading your entries, commenting, and writing my own)... I promise to get it done... I thank the 2 new readers I've gained in my absence and the 40 that I had before this hiatus began...

It's not that I have anything interesting to update... It's just that I miss spouting my ridiculousness on here... and hearing your input...

Very very soon... I shall return...

wuvs ya :)

~Jae

Go Jae... It's ya Birthday...

(that is the back of my cubicle today... :-)

I'll be back soon... still getting settled in (Painting and such...) Today is my 27th birthday.... so I thought I'd take a pause for the cause...:-)

Hope u all are well...I'll be back to blogging soon :-)

**If These Walls Could Talk **

... So I'm still packing... but I needed to take a second to really 'feel' what I'm feeling...

Yes, these walls are just a shelter... but what secrets have their service held? When it's just you and the walls... what do you whisper... How have the plaster and paint watched you grow? Die? Really live?

... The picture above will seem like two holes in bathroom plaster and a broken towel rod to everyone... But to me, they hold a story. These holes are from passionate repose... a moment of temporary insanity when I felt like the strength of those screws could withstand the full force of my pull as I vied for leverage to show my love... take that to mean what you will... but we see who won the battle...

... Within these walls I taught my daughter to read...Dressed her for her first day of school... Fell in love... spent countless nights with the love of my life... lost him.... watched the death of our love as it wilted behind his eyes...

... The paint smells of him... faintly... somewhere well beneath the human sense of smell... He lingers in my carpet... he exists w/ me here... in this space... our love and what was real 'once upon a time'... is still lives here... in these fibers...between these studs...

... By this time next week, I'll be in a new place... new paint... new carpet... no memories there for me... only new adventures to be had... and here... new carpet will be rolled and tacked... new paint slathered over old... shredded and thrown to the trash-heap will be my secrets... My love... My past...

....

**OK!! Sorry I've NEGLECTED my blogging but...**

I'm BACCCCCK!!!
(That's a pic of my little one blowing bubbles on the beach beside our condo in PCB at sunset...) Probably my FAVORITE pic of the vacay(yes, she has on a life vest... those waves were crazy)) :)

Just got home from Panama City Beach!! I had SUCH a blast!!! Pictures to come... promise! I was there for 8 days so there are TONS of pics... i'll just pick a precious few...

I won't be back to blogging FULL FORCE until NEXT week... maybe! I am STILL in the process of MOVING... Now it's the Nth hour!!! LOL Last day in this apt is a WEEK from today... Whew!

Anyway.. hope all my readers are well.. I've missed reading your comments... and I PROMISE to make the blog rounds and read ALL of your updates and comment!!! :)

Have a great rest of the weekend!!

~Jae

Entranced.....

...sorry I haven't written in a while.... Super busy with moving and such... Right now I'm on my way to Panama City Beach... ** I just turned to my right and looked out the window... Immediately, I was entranced by the moon and stars... U know what happened next...** Amen...

This Lonliness

These lonely nights are weighing on me...

** As I lay in my bed after a beautiful Mother's Day with my mom and my daughter, still I feel a void. This big queen sized bed only serves to UNDERLINE the fact that I have no one with which to share my experience.

** But then I begin to think... 'This spot beside me could easily be filled. QUICKLY! A warm body is really only 10 digits away.' The space could be taken... but the void would still exist. I want more.

** Play fight with me and nuzzle me close. Kiss my shoulder when we're spooning and whisper that you ' love me '. Hold me tight without making me wonder when your leaving or making my skin crawl... Be mine. Not for now... Not for the night... Not for a while... but for always... :-)

** So I change my orientation on the sheets... diagonal with these long legs scissored... I hold the space for the one who has my heart... the one I'm being choosey for... The one who hates the lonliness, but will find the pay off well worth the pain...

** I hold the space for me.

So I got a ticket today... lol

Soooo... I got a ticket today.
Nope. Not a SPEEDING Ticket... a ticket for expired registration tags. LMAO!!!! (Let me say first that, here in KY, This is a FREE ticket. That means... all I have to do is show that I've rectified the problem... no court costs... no nothing)...

I went to get my toesies done ... and as I was leaving the nail salon, I notice TWO coppers sitting in a parking lot about 1/8 mile away from me. They were parked with one facing one way and the other parked another way ( kinda like an auto 69'er)... looked like they were talking...

....

WELL!! I get in my car... and attempt to go the LONG way around so that I don't pass them, and they start to pull out... one going ONE way, one going the other. They basically had peeped my tags and were waiting for WHOMEVER owned that car to come out... lol I was TRAPPED !

So anyway, I live like walking distance from the nail salon, and I knew that if I got into my parkingplace I'd be homefree... They were on my tail... but I sped into the parking lot and then....

... BLUE LIGHTS...
DAMN IT!!! They've got me...

Sooooooo I pull over... right in FRONT of my apartment... and the cop pulls up... he's snickering a bit... I'm snickering too... because we BOTH know why he pulled me over... He said,"Ummm ma'am... Did you know your tags were expired? " I look at him... girlishly and say, "Yes, They've been expired for quite sometime."... He laughs a little... I hand him my license and proof of insurance...

... He comes back... hands me my ticket... and I mosey on up to my parking spot...

... What I've failed to tell you is... my tags expired LAST year. June 2008. I have been riding on expired tags for the period of 1 year... and managed to evade the police the entire time...until now... Otherwise I'm legal! But tags... no go.

It worked for me! People see that your tags are expired for a year, they think you have NO insurance... They get off your ass... But I DO! I have Progressive... pay that shit religiously EVERY MONTH! Gooood insurance...but you don't know that. You just assume ;)

... So I have 30 days to get my tags... and I have a choice... Either I can get them before MAY ends and just pay for LAST YEARS tags... or.. I can get them in JUNE and get both last years and this years... I have the chance to start this whole evasion game all over again... hmmm... Decisions... decisions... lmao

I have this thing...

So I have this thing that I do...
At first, it was intentional... something that I did to make myself feel better about the way that I thought about 'him'. I always want to make sure my feelings are clear... but that's hard to do miles and miles and miles away...but I always find a way...

... let me say this first...
Some of the thoughts that I have and the beliefs that I subscribe to are completely OUTLANDISH!!! I recognize that... But they can best be described as 'coping' mechanisms. What are a few of these weird beliefs? Ok, I won't pass a "white" vehicle if it's in front of me... Something in me associates the color 'white' with God and thinks that this vehicle is safeguarding me from something bad that may happen up ahead. When he's driving I stay a decent distance behind and WILL NOT pass.

... Also, I think that watching a helium balloon float into oblivion, somehow opens the soul... It does something to me... and no matter WHAT is going on around me... I will stop, and watch... until I can't see it anymore.

... The last one is the one that most directly applies to this blog... I believe that the stars and the moon are tiny microphones into heaven. When I pray, I look directly into a star (if I am able), and speak directly to God. I pray just like you guys do... but to me, I'm nuzzled right into his ear when I'm on the 'mic'.... It makes me feel like it's all clear...

... Tonight... As I was closing my windows and preparing for bed, I looked up into the moon and asked God to let 'Him' know that I love him still. That I always will... I prayed that God would keep him safe and happy, and that life would give him all the great things he deserved... I prayed for him. As I always do...

... Everytime I see the moon... I pray the same prayer... the stars are for everyone else... but the moon belongs to him....

This brings to mind a line from a Tyler Perry Movie... " I know I love you because I pray for you more than I pray for myself. ".... I do. That's how I know that I TRULY loved and love him. That has changed. The manner of love I can give... But I love him. Even as one day I will marry another. Even as he moves on and builds his family. Even as our paths begin to diverge.... I love him still... on some level... I believe I always will...

Oprah and KFC *Your Thought*

QUESTION::

How do you feel about this? Do you feel that it was structured properly? What did you do w/your " coupon "? Did you even print one? How did you like the Chicken??

.... My answers to those....

I feel that this was a vehicle that could've gone down a PHENOMENAL path, instead its taken a turn that it shouldn't have. This was an opportunity for us to help those less fortunate (yes, I'm taking it there.)... the FIRST thing I thought about this when I heard was, " Wow... I wanna print off a bunch and give them to the homeless!"... (well, actually when I FIRST heard, I thought it was a hoax (text message))... They've DISABLED this. You WERE able to print as many as you'd like. Now, they've found a way to restrict it to one per computer... I've not even tried because that's ridiculous.

GRANTED, this was probably done to combat greed w/n the offer... but they should have thought it out BETTER before putting it forth. Don't change the game in the middle... Keep it as it was... Some people had already handed out mannnnnnny of these, when they found out that there is NOW a bar code that can be scanned and will only accept ONE coupon w/ that bar (not sure how accurate this is)... sooooo there may be many homeless people out there w/ coupons that will be TURNED AWAY for the hot meal that they've anticipated.

.... Yawn... I'm tired of talking about it... But I was also a little perturbed that OPRAH was associated with this... Can we say Perpetuating a stereotype? Ugh... That's like George Lopez coming out in support of unlimited taco's from Taco Bell... :sigh: I hear ya... Helpin' people... but...let's do it ALL the way...

*Use 'Black' words...*

Facetious.
(adj)\fə-ˈsē-shəs\
1 : joking or jesting often inappropriately : waggish
2 : meant to be humorous or funny : not serious

*** This evening, while speaking with one of my good 'net' homies, I used this word just in casual conversation. The next typed entry was " Could you please use a "BLACK" word?"

Huh?! WTF!?!

I asked WHAT a 'Black' word was and why was it necessary to degrade our race by implying that all things 'intelligent' were NON-BLACK? For whatever reason that angered me a bit because I'm OFTEN told that I don't speak the way "BLACK PEOPLE" should (or are expected). I use large words in speaking ( not here because I just don't... lol), and think NOTHING of it only expecting that the people I speak w/ will understand. It's nothing for me to throw 'unequivocally' or 'surreptitiously' into casual convo... that's just the way that I speak!!! Not BLACK, not WHITE, not ASIAN... Just Jae.

PEOPLE!!! We REALLY have to start associating ourselves and our race (whatever race you may be) w/ positivity!!! Don't play INTO the stereotypes!! SURPRISE people. Speak in the way that you'd like to be perceived!! You can have DIFFERENT manners of speaking w/ different PEOPLE but don't allow yourself to be PIGEONHOLED into what others EXPECT from your (race).

Ugh. I adore my homie-- but that got all up underneath my skin.

**facetious isn't even a big word! lol**

**John Witherspoon imparts some wisdom**

John Withersppon is the SHIT! LMAO!! One of the funniest dudes ALIVE... and reminds me SOO MUCH of my dad... lmaoooo MEN, you better LISTEN TO HIM!!

This shit is hilarious...

** Do we all REALLY have them? **

** Let me start by saying, I do not CONDONE, Advocate for, or believe that it is ok to RAPE someone.** "No!" means "NO!", unless "No!' means "Harder/Faster/Deeper/Rougher/etc"... In which case a 'code word' should be put forth... In THAT CASE, "Asparagus/Banana/Gypsy/Onomonopeia/Grandma/Uncle Ned" or any word NONSEXUAL word of your choosing, means "No!"...***

--on w/ the blogging--

I've heard it said many times that MOST women have, or have at one time had, a 'rape' fantasy(meaning they envision themselves being taken [seemingly] against their will by a lover. This may include bondage, light violence, name calling, etc). I was just wondering... is this true?

I, myself have found the 'agressive lover' to find it's way into my psyche MANY times. Often, I've wondered what it means?! Do i want someone to rough me up? Do i want to just lose control? Why do I want to be 'taken'? Who knows... but to me, it's hot.

What do you think it means when women have the 'rape fantasy' scenerio play out? If it just fun playtime? Or potientially dangerous? Is this a misunderstanding waiting to happen? What are some funny 'code words' that you could use?

*... But your door is closed*

2k9's Rico Suave... lmaoooooo

'Yeah! Theres a fucking Manager!'

Those are the words spoken by a EMPLOYEE at Fazoli's here in Louisville, KY....

*These are the words that almost cost me bail money and a court appearance... Almost had me leave my non-violent demeanor and reach over the counter and FUCKING HER UP!

my girls and I were on our lunch break...already late because I had to go Alllllll the way across town to get some new hair (lol)...RUSHING through FAZOLI'S to get our lunch (and the lunch of fiddy other people that overheard our lunch plans and decided to get in where they fit in... (hate that))...

The joint was packed but we managed to get through the line in enough time to make it back to work w/o being late (we thought)... all we needed was our grilled chicken club salad....

..... 2 minutes. No salad.
3 minutes, 4 customers who were originally behind us served. No salad.
..... 5 minutes. No salad
10 minutes. High blood pressure looming... No. Fucking. Salad!

ok... so we're being patient but... in our patience, we notice the little broad who packages the meals and brings them over, having an attitude issue. She's craning her neck and talking smigity smack under her breath yet loud enough for us to hear...

In the course of our waiting, I may have said (very politely), ' Seriously!?! Does it take that long to make a salad?!'. This comment was OBVIOUSLY not meant towards her because she's only responsible for the closing and packaging of the meals...

TELL ME WHY this broad says (to he little co-worker friend), 'I swear if they say ONE MORE FUCKING THING [About that salad]....

My MOUTH hit the floor! I said, to my girls ' I wonder if theres a manager here!?' She said, 'Yeah there's a fucking manager here!' ( still talking to her friend )... I said ' GO GET HIM NOWWW!'

so I telll the manager and he pulled her off the floor immediately!!
This BITCH almost got dealt with.

*I'm in LOVE w/ her... *

Ok, I'm only posting THIS one because it's the only one it would let me EMBED... BUT Look @ the "Hiproll-Rayray" by her (you won't regret it... promise)... I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOo in love w/ this girl... her personality (in these vids) is so cute... and ummm... this is EXACTLY the body I'd want (doesn't have to be hard... just cuteeee!)

I love how she moves her body... and has real SKILL-- and JAY! She's 20... so don't give me the kiddie porn shit! LMAO... I've watched EVERYONE of her vids... but seriously can't get enough of the 'hip roll' one... ::sigh::

You're wrecking my flow [BITCH]!

**I have road rage. I can admit it! But my thing is I only rage out within the parameters of my car... I have only followed someone ONCE (I know, stupid move that could've gotten me murderlized.) , and I have YET to actually get out of the car in anger.

The THING IS, I have a long morning/evening commute, that I use as 'ME' time. Alllllll I want is for U Not to wreck my fucking flow! This bastard ass SUV pulls out in the MIDDLE (turning) Lane and PROCEEDS TO DRIVE!!!!! i'm talking about the SUICIDE lane (not sure what they're called where U are.). you're supposed to pull out there.. and WAIT for an opening... not DRIVE!!!!!

SO THIS MUH-FLUCKER is driving BESIDE me in the SUICIDE lane and trying to boguard his way over!! I'm LAYYYYYYYYING on my horn and not letting up... I finally let him over but CONTINUE to lay on the horn....

Son of a TRICK.... wrecked my ENTIRE morning flow... beeotch ass beep-stard. Ugh...

lol (ok, I'm done Exhaling)

**JUST SAY EXCUSE ME [BITCH!]!!!! **

OK... Let me set the scene... I'm in the "U-SCAN" like @ Kroger... TRYING to get my junk scanned and out the door in time to get my kiddo from daycare... The broad in front of me is DONE... HOWEVER... The chick at the "U-SCAN" in front of ME is still scanning HER stuff...

The broad in front of me has moved forward and out from in front of the U-SCAN w/ her cart and groceries but is just STANDING there because she can't get past the lady in the other U-Scan....

... Hence, she's STILL in my bubble while I'm scanning.... (ok, before anyone says anything... She had moved far enough away from ME that I could still scan and it was evident that she was trying to leave... so I didn't PREMATURELY whip out my Chicken and start scanning...)

... THIS BROAD JUST STANDS THERE!!!....
I'm in my head SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMING @ her... "JUST SAY EXCUSE ME BITCH!!!!" But yet... still minding my own business and scanning... She SQUEEEEEZES her ass past the lady w/o even acknowledging that she was in her space! WHAT?! Not a peep from her in her insanity...

ME, myself, I say 'EXCUSE ME' alot! If I'm in your bubble (and it's unavoidable), If I bump you, if I need to get past, if I say something out of the way, as well as other instances... I have NEVER understood why people REFUSE to say 'Excuse me'!!! It URKS me to no END!!! Especially the people in the [grocery, book, clothing] store that will just STAND AND LURK behind you until you move. ALL IT TAKES IS FOR YOU TO SAY EXCUSE ME!!!!

AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... LMAO! Whew... ok, I feel better... I've exhaled... lmao... Just say fucking excuse me people... Seriously... Two words... is that too much to ask?!

... ok, I'm really done now. lmao...
*Sorry for the profanity.... I'm making a concious effort NOT to censor myself in my writing... I try not to offend... but this is how I speak sometimes... lmao*

**Dating Plus Sized Women**

I found this on YouTube... and w/ me being a 'big girl', it interested me. He gives an unbiased view on this subject, and really just breaks it down. Give it a gander.