Now the world don't go, to the beat of just one drum...

.... what might be right for u, may not be right for some ...

IF more people lived by that mantra, things would be much more peaceful on this planet... if you could TRULY abide by the words 'To each their own', we'd have no need to meddle or worry about why she does this and he does that but it doesn't work for us...

The concentration should be on finding our own groove and finding the best path through out life's maze making the most positive twists and turns for us...

Live and let live... that's what I say... you don't have to be best friends with everyone... simply learn how to "Coexist"

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Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

I miss my mother soooo much

On March 23rd, in the wee hours of the morning, my mother, Joanne Houston Sitgraves, left this planet and reached out to the hands of God.

We had our ups...and DEFINITELY our downs... but all in all, there's not a woman on this planet that I admired more. She truly knew how to make a dollar out of fifteen cents and deserved SO MUCH MORE out of life, than what she was given.



This is a video tribute that I made for her funeral... I loved this woman... and I must say, there is NO loss greater, than the loss of your mother.

... Guess who's in love...

... not me...

I feel like all my friends/family/aquaintances/dogs in the neighborhood/birds and locusts are in love.

... bastards...

They're all in love or falling there... or getting married.... or having a baby ( Jim (exie) had his a couple of days ago)... They're writing about love and bragging about romance and kissing and holding hands and cuddling and UGH!!!

... I am so frustrated ...

Not that I'm NOT in love... that I don't CARE TO BE in love!! Like...I miss companionship... and I've tried to FORCE myself into caring and feeling for someone... and I don't. Nope. Not one Iota...

Definitely... I am realizing that I am a completely different person in this realm of my life than I have ever been. Not wide eyed. Not eager. Guarded. Icy even. not myself.

Meds? Could be. I've restarted my A.D.D meds ( about a month ago )... and asked for Depression meds... because things for me were getting a little too... ummm... dark.

It's astonishing how you can fool people... You'd never guess what's really going on in someone's head if they gave you a smile and a laugh. You can't see a slow death when it's veiled in a vibrant living front... ;)

So anyway... Everyone's in love.

... yeah...

congrats

*bastards*

I have this thing...

So I have this thing that I do...
At first, it was intentional... something that I did to make myself feel better about the way that I thought about 'him'. I always want to make sure my feelings are clear... but that's hard to do miles and miles and miles away...but I always find a way...

... let me say this first...
Some of the thoughts that I have and the beliefs that I subscribe to are completely OUTLANDISH!!! I recognize that... But they can best be described as 'coping' mechanisms. What are a few of these weird beliefs? Ok, I won't pass a "white" vehicle if it's in front of me... Something in me associates the color 'white' with God and thinks that this vehicle is safeguarding me from something bad that may happen up ahead. When he's driving I stay a decent distance behind and WILL NOT pass.

... Also, I think that watching a helium balloon float into oblivion, somehow opens the soul... It does something to me... and no matter WHAT is going on around me... I will stop, and watch... until I can't see it anymore.

... The last one is the one that most directly applies to this blog... I believe that the stars and the moon are tiny microphones into heaven. When I pray, I look directly into a star (if I am able), and speak directly to God. I pray just like you guys do... but to me, I'm nuzzled right into his ear when I'm on the 'mic'.... It makes me feel like it's all clear...

... Tonight... As I was closing my windows and preparing for bed, I looked up into the moon and asked God to let 'Him' know that I love him still. That I always will... I prayed that God would keep him safe and happy, and that life would give him all the great things he deserved... I prayed for him. As I always do...

... Everytime I see the moon... I pray the same prayer... the stars are for everyone else... but the moon belongs to him....

This brings to mind a line from a Tyler Perry Movie... " I know I love you because I pray for you more than I pray for myself. ".... I do. That's how I know that I TRULY loved and love him. That has changed. The manner of love I can give... But I love him. Even as one day I will marry another. Even as he moves on and builds his family. Even as our paths begin to diverge.... I love him still... on some level... I believe I always will...

*Closer*

Gonna keep it short.

I talked to exie this evening. It felt GREAT!! Like talked on the PHONE. Haven't heard his voice since July. We talked about my life, his life. The new baby on the way. His girlfriend. Our good times, our bad times. It made me feel great. I feel closer to him... as my friend... but more distanced as his lover. which is great.

I miss him.I love him. Glad to have him in my life. Even as just my friend. He is one of my best friends. If not THE best [male] friend. :)

**If You Can't Love The One You Want... **

** Tolerate The One You're With **

::Beats Loneliness right?::

**Anywhooo... It's Valentines Day right? And many people are waking up to their significant other... Kissing them and MAYBE a little more ( Morning breath and all)... Not I. I shall be falling ASLEEP w/ my (in)significant other... and we will have had fun listening to music tonight... and I will have a mild hangover... Probably, I'll be regretful that I made the decision that I made ( lol )... and in a rush to be in my 'single' state again...

... but it'll be worth it NOT to be lonely tonight ...

**I HATE Valentines Day! Even when I'm attached! It makes the lonely feel lonliner and the attached feel OBLIGATED! My homie is one that I really like...he's a great guy who adores me... It's just not there. But he's happy to spend time w/ me. And I, with him when we are in need of company. He's a great friend, and I'm really very lucky to have him. I just don't have that "spark" that I require to get involved w/ someone seriously.

**Oh well... Is it ok to fill your time w/ friends until "the one" comes along? If it's clearly understood what you BOTH want and expect from the situation... is it alright to tolerate the one you're with, until you get the one you want?

**Audio Blog** Do Right Man.

Turn your speakers down a bit for the first like 1:45 of this... enough to hear but it gets loud @times... I'm having microphone issues :) (and I truly BUTCHER this song... soooo there ya go... hang in for the TALKING-- or just skip forward to like 1:40 lol)

Video for my blogg @ Yahoo! Video

** I am ready. NO SERIOUSLY!!!**

This is my bedroom as it sits now... empty... lol.. lonely lonely bed... lmaoooo


** Ok... last night was kind of a knee jerk blog. Let me qualify my remarks today...





--Thought I know you can't dictate when it happens. I think you can say when you're ready. I am ready to be 'in love' again. I just have fond memories of the great things that were involved w/ that. I am trying to shut out all the bad things that were tangled in w/ those trappings... lol.. I am tired of "making due" with someone who adores me and that I don't have reciprocal feelings for. That's not fair to either party.





-- At somepoint you have to say ENOUGH. I won't settle anymore... And that's where I am. I've had what I deemed to be a great (part) of what 'love' should be. And I won't settle for less. I want someone who treats me well ( this dude does). Someone who's smart ( not so much ). Someone who has a bright future ( regardless to what that means... and believe me...it is relative). Someone who thinks the sun rises and sets in me (haha! Believe it or not Jay-- he did @ first ("jenny")). Someone who makes me smile just by smiling... Someone who's frown makes me smile. Someone who's heartbreak also breaks my heart. Someone to be proud of. Someone to hold. Someone to wakeup next to and take that 'deep breath'.. you know which one I mean... the one that says... how did I get so damn lucky.





-- He's out there... and he'll find me. He'll find me while I'm volunteering... Or at the Gym... or taking a class... or something like that. My dream man doesn't hang out at the club. Blah... Blah Blah... Blah... I'm so sick of typing about love... SICK! I'm gonna put a "once a week" clause in my love subject matter section of the blog! lmaoooo