.... But she still wonders why...

(picture is of my daughters father Dominic... the source of MUCH conversation for us today....)


Today, my daughter had a session of crying and asking me questions. No... this was about Spongebob, or life, or even her new obsession, Michael Jackson. It was about her father. She asked me what he looked like, and if she'd ever met him. I told her that he had stayed w/ us for about a week and a half when she was 2... and that he was handsome. I showed her a picture (which I am SURE that I had shown her before... )... and then began the waterworks....

She went on and on about how she had to explain to her friends that she didn't have a daddy. And that she didn't even know what his name was. She said that she was the only person who she KNEW that didn't have their father or that had never seen him... I told her that was ABSOLUTELY not true...

... with astonishment in her eyes, she asked, " Who else mommi?"... I paused, took her little face into my hand... and said " Me." I explained to her how I had never layed eyes on my biological father and that even though she and I BOTH had his last name, he was a stranger. I told her that I completely understood her pain... and that I would see what I could do to get her into contact w/ her father....

... This is going to be hard...

She came home and wrote him a letter... telling him that she loved him... andmissed him... and that she was going to come see him if he didn't see her... She drew pictures of him, and of him and her, and of us three together smiling.... holding hands... and being a family.

... I don't tell her the bad stuff... or that I keep him away in effort to protect her... I don't let her know that he does nothing to take care of her... or that if he wanted to put forth the effort, we COULD HAVE been that family that she'd just scratched out on her pad... She doesn't need to know these things... because in the long run... it'll make her dislike ME more...

Instead I tell her, somethings just aren't meant... and I'm sure he loves her almost as much as I do... I promise her that I'll do all that I can... I send him and email ... and I kiss her goodnight... Telling her somethings just aren't meant to be... and that he and I will never be a couple...

... But she still wonders, " Why?"....

Your Friends...

(That's a pic of me and my six string tonight (9.1.09)... OH! And my swollen jaw (from dental work yesterday)...

I'm coming back... Soon... I promise. Let me just say a lil' something though...

Be careful who you call your FRIENDS.

I consider myself to be a 'friendly' person... I like to laugh but moreover, I like to make OTHERS laugh. There's nothing like the sound of joy. Nothing... Let's not confuse the issue though. Just because we are laughing together, doesn't mean that you're my 'friend'.

I have a HANDFUL of true friends. Literally like 5! I know many people and surround myself w/ many aquaintances. To your eye, they look like they've known me for years. Truthfully, they have no clue as to my inner workings.

Lately, a few of the 'aquaintances' that were becoming true friends, have let me down. They've shown themselves to be opportunistic and flaky. The details of the situation are unimportant... I just wanted to say... please know who your real friends are...

Oprah and KFC *Your Thought*

QUESTION::

How do you feel about this? Do you feel that it was structured properly? What did you do w/your " coupon "? Did you even print one? How did you like the Chicken??

.... My answers to those....

I feel that this was a vehicle that could've gone down a PHENOMENAL path, instead its taken a turn that it shouldn't have. This was an opportunity for us to help those less fortunate (yes, I'm taking it there.)... the FIRST thing I thought about this when I heard was, " Wow... I wanna print off a bunch and give them to the homeless!"... (well, actually when I FIRST heard, I thought it was a hoax (text message))... They've DISABLED this. You WERE able to print as many as you'd like. Now, they've found a way to restrict it to one per computer... I've not even tried because that's ridiculous.

GRANTED, this was probably done to combat greed w/n the offer... but they should have thought it out BETTER before putting it forth. Don't change the game in the middle... Keep it as it was... Some people had already handed out mannnnnnny of these, when they found out that there is NOW a bar code that can be scanned and will only accept ONE coupon w/ that bar (not sure how accurate this is)... sooooo there may be many homeless people out there w/ coupons that will be TURNED AWAY for the hot meal that they've anticipated.

.... Yawn... I'm tired of talking about it... But I was also a little perturbed that OPRAH was associated with this... Can we say Perpetuating a stereotype? Ugh... That's like George Lopez coming out in support of unlimited taco's from Taco Bell... :sigh: I hear ya... Helpin' people... but...let's do it ALL the way...

*Tremors*

...I've written about this before... but it just happened again and it NEVER CEASES to freak me out...

It's about 70 degrees in my house. I'm under covers and not physically cold in the least. YET, I AM SHAKING! Not just shaking a little... but I'm having ridiculously strong TREMORS. My jaws are clenched and my muscles are spasming like I've been exposed to the elements in some icy tundra....

... why? ...

BECAUSE MY EX TEXT'd ME! This man has lost most of his MENTAL control of me but has retained and seemingly INTENSIFIED his ability to control me physically... or at least my reactions to him... Just his name on my phone makes me nervous. Puts me into a state of flux. I hate it. I hope it passes someday... Because even though I'm not in love w/ him anymore... I guess some part of me is refusing to let go...

::shook:: quite literally

*My Rambling that means NOTHING!*

You are not the martyr.
No one will save you because there is not need for salvation.
Those who have been provided for have ALSO made provisons.
Don’t you understand it’s a cycle? WE can all pretend to be in need.
Can pretend to be the knight in shining armor… But at some point it’s necessary to realize
You have also been privy to a rescue via someone ELSE’s white horse.
Rest.

You are not an axis.
I can’t think of ONE PERSON (present company included) that Spinnnnnnnns around because you are stationary.
Rest.

I am not any of the things that I proclaim you NOT to be.
However, I do not put myself forth as such.
I’m just Jae. Me. Flaws and all.
Weight, Height, Depth and Breadth of this girl.
This woman. Mother. Sister. Provider. Etc.
I am not a martyr. I have saved but also reaped salvation
I have given but never to get.
Though the cycle of karma has made it her business provide.
Rest.

So sighing I realize all that was perceived
Is not.
Put away my thoughts and fodder.
Regard it as an inconsequential loss.
Thankful that it was never deeper.
Happy to escape unscathed
Emotionally or otherwise.

I sit back and observe. Watching this ’progress’
Well overdue. Very delayed.
Laughable. Purely.

:: Sigh :: I'm not as good at this as I said I'd be...

** My friend Jayce wanted to see a pic of me in highschool** There I am-- 12th grad... lol 17 year old jae-- that was 9 years ago :) (not a very good pic.. but that was me:)-- The other side is me in COLLEGE... I have SO MUCH MORE color now... lmao-- GEEZ I was pale! (the first one is a lighting issue-- second one... I'm just yella)


-- haha... So, I'm not as good at this as I thought I'd be... The ex-girlfriend to friend role is gonna take some practice.

Today -- exie JF-- messaged me to see if I was alright in light of the ice/snow storm that's crippled my state. Told him I was good and that I'd only lost power for 3 hrs. Chit chat chit chat... He says... guess what... I'm having twins...

::deep burning in the pit of my stomach:: ::vomit rising in my throat:: ::unexpected tears welling up::

I type, "WOW! That's so great! You really hit the lottery on this one! :) You're gonna get that big family you wanted :)" ( I mean it tho... I don't say things I don't mean.... well not typically)

Next message from him:::: "haha, no I'm just kidding, there's just one in there. lol"
Now I wanna kill him. But really, it's my fault right? I'm giving off the impression that I'm alright when really, I'm not ready for the "friendship" that we're building. I should just tell him that I can't do it right now. That it makes me nauseous to hear about him and this broad and their spawn (now that was mean, she's probably very sweet). But I don't I continue to be supportive, because that's how I am w/ my friends...

I want us to be friends, in the worst way... but it causes my two steps forward to just gone one step back... It hurt... but not as bad as it would have previously...

ugh. oh well it's whatever ya know.. Why does it take women so much longer to get over love than it does men? I don't like that! lol