:: Sigh :: I'm not as good at this as I said I'd be...

** My friend Jayce wanted to see a pic of me in highschool** There I am-- 12th grad... lol 17 year old jae-- that was 9 years ago :) (not a very good pic.. but that was me:)-- The other side is me in COLLEGE... I have SO MUCH MORE color now... lmao-- GEEZ I was pale! (the first one is a lighting issue-- second one... I'm just yella)


-- haha... So, I'm not as good at this as I thought I'd be... The ex-girlfriend to friend role is gonna take some practice.

Today -- exie JF-- messaged me to see if I was alright in light of the ice/snow storm that's crippled my state. Told him I was good and that I'd only lost power for 3 hrs. Chit chat chit chat... He says... guess what... I'm having twins...

::deep burning in the pit of my stomach:: ::vomit rising in my throat:: ::unexpected tears welling up::

I type, "WOW! That's so great! You really hit the lottery on this one! :) You're gonna get that big family you wanted :)" ( I mean it tho... I don't say things I don't mean.... well not typically)

Next message from him:::: "haha, no I'm just kidding, there's just one in there. lol"
Now I wanna kill him. But really, it's my fault right? I'm giving off the impression that I'm alright when really, I'm not ready for the "friendship" that we're building. I should just tell him that I can't do it right now. That it makes me nauseous to hear about him and this broad and their spawn (now that was mean, she's probably very sweet). But I don't I continue to be supportive, because that's how I am w/ my friends...

I want us to be friends, in the worst way... but it causes my two steps forward to just gone one step back... It hurt... but not as bad as it would have previously...

ugh. oh well it's whatever ya know.. Why does it take women so much longer to get over love than it does men? I don't like that! lol

**She's Having My Baby**

... So today, my most recent ex, who I still harbor feelings for tells me, he's going to be a father.
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WOOOooooo sahhhhhhhh
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At first, I'm HYSTERICAL! I'm talking hyperventilation, crying, all the memories we made slapping me in the face... ALL THE WHILE, texting ( yes, this all happened on text message, as most of our breakup's, makeup, i love u, and family planning had previously.) him how excited and happy I was for them. How he'd be a phenomenal father and how he deserved it. My body was shaking like a damn leaf. Stomach rolllllling and I'm struggling to hold down my morning apple...

... I saw my fairytale not only come to an end, but, the storybook SLAM SHUT and get thrown into the fire. Just a year ago, we were planning our lives together. Planning for which montessori school my daughter would attend in Houston. Planning where the baby that we'd have would sleep. Where I'd work. My job had HIRED SOMEONE to replace me (because they knew I was leaving...) And now, I'm here... he's there, She's pregnant.

Hmmm...

.... My next reaction was thankfulness. I am someone who hopes against ALL HOPE that things will work out. Even when the odds seem insurmountable, I still hope. In order for me to give up on someone or something, I have to have it taken OUT OF MY HANDS. God has looked out for me... and taken this out of my hands. He gave me every opportunity to realize that Jim and I weren't right for each other... but still I ignored him, and I hoped that one day... etc. Now, it's done. FOR REAL for real... lol

... After thankfulness, came true happiness. I was happy for him. He's going to be a great father. I wish him luck... and know that someday, when I'm ready, God will bestow upon me the happiness in love that I deserve. I won't settle for craziness... as I would have w/ Jim. God spared me from making a grave mistake. And him from making the same. Thank you Jesus.

... So then we were there... on the text message. Him telling me how he had seen the babys' heartbeat on Thursday... and how she was 9 weeks along. How everyone was very happy, and how they'd eventually get married. Discussing baby names and what the future held. I'm ok w/ this. Really... In the bright light of day... I'm ok w/ this. Who knows what nightfall will bring... when I'm alone and the house is quiet. I just hope that things are as happy for me someday, as they seem for him. It's a beautiful thing. Sadness, thankfulness, and finally acceptance. all w/n 1 hour...

Good Luck Jimmie... I love you and wish you nothing but the best...