Vlog... Year of 'Exploration'...

Happy New YEAR!!! Vlog from Jae! :)

*Sexually Spontaneous*

-- So for whatever reason, I'm feeling some sort of 'way' tonight... not frisky or even horny... just... I guess... longing...

*what for?*

-- Someone who is sexually spontaneous. Recently, I've been seeing guys who are... umm... to borrow a word from my homie Jaycie "lame". They are ok and serve their purpose but nothing about them 'excites' me. Doesn't make me swoon or even think about them too often... especially in the sexual sense. I guess you can call them 'pass-times'... you may as well... because that's what I call them.

-- There's absolutely nothing like a man who is intelligent, caring, tender, up and coming (or better yet already there!), and SEXUALLY SPONTANEOUS!... what does that mean? To me, it's someone who will, at the drop of a hat, show you how they're 'feeling'... no shame in their game but always keeping it discreet (if in public), and steamy and no holds barred when in private...

-- For example... Right now, I'm here laying on the bed on my tummy typing my blog... chillin' in my boycuts and sportsbra @ home all alone (kiddo's away)... -- Regular guy, let's call him Poindexter, would come in lay beside me, ask what I'm doing... maybe chit chat... give me a kiss on the cheek, and go on about his business...

-- Sexually spontaneous man, hmmm... Let's call him Frederico (lol), would come in and act nonchalant... slowly run his hands up the back of my legs and over my arse... maybe kiss my up my back and move my boycuts to the side for some handplay... (I know, and overshare... but I'm keeping it REAL... this is MY BLOG!)...

-- I LOVEEEEEEEEEEE that sort of thing... I mean, it's not enough to make the OTHER things not matter... but it's definitely a nice icing on the yummy man cake. --

Anyway... Sometimes you can't put your finger on what you're missing... but right now, I know exactly what it is... :: Sigh:: oh well...

I thought I'd seen EVERYTHING... and then...

So seriously... What's next?? Brace yourself... This is crazy...

It's DONE!!! and I LOVE IT!!!

DONE!!! I love it!!! It hurt like a MOLLYHOPPER but so worth it... :) My piercer was GREAT so nice... and I look forward to changing it to a SMALLER gem after it heals (can't do so right now)... :)

I'm super excited about this piercing... even though it's semi-permanent... they make clear plugs and flesh colored plugs... so when it's really not APPROPRIATE to have a gem beside your eye... I am able to downplay it... lol

It still hurts a bit... and bled for QUITE a while... but it's subsided now :) I love piercings... but I fear this will be my last...

Well... it'll be my last that's visible to the public ;^)

TOoooo-Morrow Tomorrow... I'm PIERCING Tomorrow... it's only a day AAAWAYYY!!

To the left you see the hardware that will be IMPLANTED into my face TOMORROW! It's called a microdermal implant or a facial anchor piercing... They pierce the skin and then implant that bottom piece (w/ all the holes) into your body wherever you'd like... afterwhich they screw in the ball... the entire process takes between 20 and 30 minutes and LOOKS very painful...

I know you're thinking, JAE!!! You're NUTS!!! But nooooo i'm not! I'm soo excited and scared all @ the same time... The last piercing I had completed was my "Marilyn" (above my lip). Since then, I've searched and searched for a new piercing... I'm so particular w/ what I want on my face that I hadn't found anything... until today...

I will have mine placed beside my right eye... just to the side... (that's a pic of what it will probably look like... except the gem will be larger... and there will only be one... )... I'm so excited!!!!!!

The only think that REALLY bothers me, is that when I want to completely remove it, I can't just take it out as is the case w/ my other piercings... I'll have to go have it CUT out either by my piercer or a physician... You can change the hardware (jewel, ball, etc) but the BASE won't come out unless it's CUT out...

... Those holes in the base are important to this entire process... They're there SPECIFICALLY to anchor the piercing into my face... the skin is supposed to grow IN BETWEEN those holes therefore keeping it in place... it's called a semi-permanent body modification...

To the RIGHT you'll see Monica... She has this modification as well... (look closely to the outside of her eye... that little bead of light is her piercing)... I had NO CLUE she had this until AFTER I'd already decided to have it done! It looks SO cute on her... I only hope it does me justice... :)

Ok, I'm rambling... but... ya know... I can't WAIT! When I leave my current job for another ( after I finish college, etc)... I'll probably go have it cut out for a more professional look... but HONESTLY, it doesn't look 'freakish' at all... Piercing when done CORRECTLY and in MODERATION can actually COMPLIMENT the natural aesthetic... :)

Wish me luck... and I'll have pics! :)

Just a little Vlog.. :) Catching UP

"I'm going to wear you out..."

Ok, So I'm going to reveal a little bit about myself that I'm sure MOST of you don't know.... When I was in highschool, I had a SERIOUS obession w/ Tiger Woods. Like SERIOUS. EVERY INCH of every wall of my bedroom was COVERED w/ any image of him that I could find... I even cut a few of the pictures out and made them "3-D" so that it would seem he was ACTUALLY in my room... lmaooooo ... a little trick I learned in art class...

I OWN the video that shows how he began... him as a little one putting away w/ his daddy Earl... I watched it EVERY SINGLE DAY! I would watch EVERY golf game that he played in that was televised... and when he came to KY @ Valhalla... I had serious thoughts of sneaking in and charging the green! This was SERIOUS... @ one point I THINK I believed that I'd one day MEET Tiger, and he'd fall head over hills in love w/ me... lmaooooooooo (I said I was a kid right?!)

This obsession faded (thankfully) and, though I STILL thought he was a fantastic athlete and VERY handsome (for my tastes), I didn't obsess or even really FOLLOW his career... Until Now...

TIGER just got 10x HAWTER! Wow... I know, I know... He cheated on his wife w/ 3 broads... Ok, that was wrong... but honestly, I'm sure 99% of all FAMOUS ATHLETES do this! Men are ONLY as faithful as the options available to them... and let's keep it ALL THE WAY REAL, when the zero's start getting stacked onto the end of your income, the caliber of 'panty-droppers' available to you CLIMBS SIGNIFICANTLY.

You know in Highschool Tiger got ZERO play from anyone even REMOTELY resembling these ladies. I mean YES, he may have gotten a little slob action from the chess team geeks... or maybe a handjob from the only female tuba player in the band... but Top Shelf Arse? Nah- nothin' doin'... So he was, in essence reliving his highschool dreams and knocking out every piece of choice poon-tang he could muster.

Let me get to the reason his sex appeal just CLIMBED (in my opinion...)... TIGER IS HUMAN! He's not SQUEAKY CLEAN as he's been portrayed for YEARS... This dude texted one of his mistresses " How long has it been since you had a good fuck?"! WHAT?!! :: instant lubrication:: and "I'm going to WEAR YOU OUT." :: WET NAP PLEASE!!!??

There's NOTHING I love more than a good steamy text from the person I'm seeing... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! My imagination tends to be more INTENSE than most... and generally out performs the ACTUAL act that you've made me think you're going to perform... So NOW I have the PERFECT COMBINATION of what I ALWAYS ASKED for in a man... Articulate, Intelligent, Ambitious, Driven, Passionate (about his craft), and Presentable to ALL audiences in public... but OH SO NASTY w/ me... lol... I'm talking BARACK to everyone else... and PLIES in the bedroom, while whispering in MY ear, and on my text screen... Sheesh...

Tiger... you're a bad bad bad boy for cheatin' on Elin... but umm... If you ever decide to like sista's (thick/chubby sista's nonetheless)... I know a Caramel colored Kentuckian who'd be MUCH OBLIGED to satiate that need...

... call me...
lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooo

... Be Good Jae ...

... So I'm supposed to have a very innocent meal w/ a friend next week. Just so happens this friend and I haven't seen each other for about 2 1/2 years... whay? Because we have chemistry. Electricity. In crazy amounts...

... So What's the Problem Jae?...

THE PROBLEM IS that little piece of precious metal encircling his left ring finger... and the appendage that is attached to it by vows made before God... yep... you guessed it...

... I have PURPOSEFULLY avoided this friend since our last meeting because the temptation to explore 'friendly' depths is much to ... well ... tempting for both of us... Lunch is safe right? Public place... ACROSS the table... innocent as can be... and BESIDES!! I'll be on my break from WORK... so I have time constraints! Yeah... this'll be ok...

Whew... I feel better... glad I talked that out... ;) (Only wish I still WASN'T so nervous.... )

Bad Singing... and Bad Guitar Playing (But it's ME! LOL)

This is a vid of me playing my gitfiddle VERY LATE last night... The singing isn't good... and the playing is worse! lmaoooo. But I hadn't posted for a bit... and I remember promising a video... Don't be too hard on me...

** So CRASS!!! But she makes SO MUCH SENSE!!**

This woman is SOOOOO Crass in the way that she says what she says... but if you LISTEN to the message... she makes alot of sense... Judge for yourself... (I've seen some of her OTHER more HUMOROUS video's... and I laughed... but THIS one... made me think a bit... )

**NOW with even LOWWWERRR Standards!! ** LMAOOOO

Due to shortages in men in the Greater Louisville Area, the following categories of unforgivable lowlifes have been promoted to "potential relationship material" for me:

-Liars
-Cheaters
-Daily pot smokers
-My intellectual inferiors
-Dirty, smelly coffee shop poets
-Barflies
-Possessive types
-Women haters
-Men old enough to be my Dad
-My Dad
-Anyone else in my family, including the remains of my dead grandfather
-Lawyers
-People who can't spell and refuse to use spell check
-Alcoholics
-Negative, angry types
-Politicians/the criminally insane
-Smokers who pretend to be non-smokers
-Vain, self-centered artists
-Drama queens
-Guys who always get dumped and can't figure out why
-The dental-hygienically challenged
-Players
-Polygamists
-Republicans
-Anyone with that shit-eating fetish
-People who ever liked the band "Book of Love"
-Pig Fuckers
-Pink shirt wearing corporate capitalist dick heads who drive fancy cars
-Free loaders
-Your dumb friend, age 37, who still plays video games after work
-Anyone with a toupee
-The insecure
-Misers
-Humorless "business" types
-Mama's Boys
-Egomaniacs
-Sex addicts
-Poseurs
-Infantile fuckwits who blame everyone else for their problems
-Narcissists
-Bad kissers
-The fiscally irresponsible
-Underachieving slacker dudes
-Anyone in any kind of tribute band

Hope to hear from you soon! (and I'm SO SURE that I will!! )

..I'll get by w/ a little help from my friends....

(That's me and my girl Vida @ work... Swine Flu Ready a couple of weeks ago... hahahahah)

....

So I've been M.I.A for about 4 months now... I can't BELIEVE it's been that long since I've blogged steadily.... Something about the motions of moving and getting everything unpacked and settled has gotten me off track w/ my blogging... It's really a shame... because there's been so much to write about...

... It's been kind of a down quarter for me... There have been some MAJOR betrayals... and some major "strings" cut. I'll spare the ridiculous details of what happened... but in the last 3 months I've cut at least 3 close friends 'loose'... and for good reason...

... I've learned a lesson... a few actually... that will stick w/ me for the remainder of my days... 1.) My mother was right about many many things that I wish she WASN'T right about. 2.) Birds of a feather, really DO stick together... 3.) Sometimes keeping your friends close and your enemies closer is confusing... because the line between the two is SO VERY FINE...

... Oh well I say... Good riddance right? The word "Friend" is used too loosely by most... and taken too seriously by few... Friends to me are like family... I hold them very close... and when one hurts me to the depths that these few have, it changes me as a person... and usually not for the better...

... It happened... It's over...
I'll live... that's all I have to say. :)

(WOW!! Two days in a row!!! Wooo hooooo)

.... But she still wonders why...

(picture is of my daughters father Dominic... the source of MUCH conversation for us today....)


Today, my daughter had a session of crying and asking me questions. No... this was about Spongebob, or life, or even her new obsession, Michael Jackson. It was about her father. She asked me what he looked like, and if she'd ever met him. I told her that he had stayed w/ us for about a week and a half when she was 2... and that he was handsome. I showed her a picture (which I am SURE that I had shown her before... )... and then began the waterworks....

She went on and on about how she had to explain to her friends that she didn't have a daddy. And that she didn't even know what his name was. She said that she was the only person who she KNEW that didn't have their father or that had never seen him... I told her that was ABSOLUTELY not true...

... with astonishment in her eyes, she asked, " Who else mommi?"... I paused, took her little face into my hand... and said " Me." I explained to her how I had never layed eyes on my biological father and that even though she and I BOTH had his last name, he was a stranger. I told her that I completely understood her pain... and that I would see what I could do to get her into contact w/ her father....

... This is going to be hard...

She came home and wrote him a letter... telling him that she loved him... andmissed him... and that she was going to come see him if he didn't see her... She drew pictures of him, and of him and her, and of us three together smiling.... holding hands... and being a family.

... I don't tell her the bad stuff... or that I keep him away in effort to protect her... I don't let her know that he does nothing to take care of her... or that if he wanted to put forth the effort, we COULD HAVE been that family that she'd just scratched out on her pad... She doesn't need to know these things... because in the long run... it'll make her dislike ME more...

Instead I tell her, somethings just aren't meant... and I'm sure he loves her almost as much as I do... I promise her that I'll do all that I can... I send him and email ... and I kiss her goodnight... Telling her somethings just aren't meant to be... and that he and I will never be a couple...

... But she still wonders, " Why?"....

**My New Cellular Device**

YAY!!! Finally after 18 months of the Tmobile Dash... It's time for a new celly!!! There you see it... just to the right of this picture... Tmobile Mytouch 3g. :)

(No Jay, I haven't joined the CRACKBERRY nation.... I will do that as soon as you send my your first 'tweet'... lol)

I'm super stoked because this phone is allll that I really need. It has the app's like iphone, 3g service (speedy), internet capability, and is closely linked w/ google and all of it's applications. This should enable me to blog more often... and on the go...

Trust me, my blogging on the fly is way funnier than when I've had time to overthink the subjects... lol

Definitely looking forward to receiving it in about a week... YES!! I said a WEEK... Due to the fact that I called customer service for T-mobile and THREATENED to cancel service w/ them, they offered me a full upgrade 6 months early. CATCH IS, I have to wait for it to be mailed to me... BOOOOOOO... I'm SUCH an immediate gratification kind of girl... I want it NOW!!! But, alas.. you can't always get what you want...


To the Left (to the left ), you see the SKIN that I've ordered for my phone... SKINIT.com is a GREAT site that lets you order customized hardshells and gel skin's for your cell, laptop, psp, crackberry, toaster, etc (well... maybe not the toaster).

This is a picture w/ me and my best friend in the world, my guitar... and the front is one of the many beautiful sunsets I captured while in Panama city beach in May... along w/ the word, " Solace "... Because that's really all I want...

I feel like a lil' kid waiting for Christmas right now!!! I'm actually going to the T-mobile store to get some screen protectors and see what kind of accessories I can buy for my new baby...

YAYAYAYAY I loveeeee new toys... of ANY kind ;^)

Your Friends...

(That's a pic of me and my six string tonight (9.1.09)... OH! And my swollen jaw (from dental work yesterday)...

I'm coming back... Soon... I promise. Let me just say a lil' something though...

Be careful who you call your FRIENDS.

I consider myself to be a 'friendly' person... I like to laugh but moreover, I like to make OTHERS laugh. There's nothing like the sound of joy. Nothing... Let's not confuse the issue though. Just because we are laughing together, doesn't mean that you're my 'friend'.

I have a HANDFUL of true friends. Literally like 5! I know many people and surround myself w/ many aquaintances. To your eye, they look like they've known me for years. Truthfully, they have no clue as to my inner workings.

Lately, a few of the 'aquaintances' that were becoming true friends, have let me down. They've shown themselves to be opportunistic and flaky. The details of the situation are unimportant... I just wanted to say... please know who your real friends are...

... Guess who's in love...

... not me...

I feel like all my friends/family/aquaintances/dogs in the neighborhood/birds and locusts are in love.

... bastards...

They're all in love or falling there... or getting married.... or having a baby ( Jim (exie) had his a couple of days ago)... They're writing about love and bragging about romance and kissing and holding hands and cuddling and UGH!!!

... I am so frustrated ...

Not that I'm NOT in love... that I don't CARE TO BE in love!! Like...I miss companionship... and I've tried to FORCE myself into caring and feeling for someone... and I don't. Nope. Not one Iota...

Definitely... I am realizing that I am a completely different person in this realm of my life than I have ever been. Not wide eyed. Not eager. Guarded. Icy even. not myself.

Meds? Could be. I've restarted my A.D.D meds ( about a month ago )... and asked for Depression meds... because things for me were getting a little too... ummm... dark.

It's astonishing how you can fool people... You'd never guess what's really going on in someone's head if they gave you a smile and a laugh. You can't see a slow death when it's veiled in a vibrant living front... ;)

So anyway... Everyone's in love.

... yeah...

congrats

*bastards*

**Ain't We Lucky WE Got 'Em**

...I'm sure every one of us has watched "Good Times" and laughed, cried (when James died), or scoffed at the outlandishness of J.J... But yesterday, I as I lay in bed watching the dynamic of the Evans family... I was touched... by 'James'.

NO!... Not by John Amos, the actor that PLAYED James Evans... but by the man or character that he was... In the episode that I was watching, James had been offered a place in the apprenticeship that would pay him more money that he'd ever made ( 4.20hrly). He was so excited to finally be able to do for his family that he dressed in his Sunday's best (or his 'goin' to a funeral clothes' as Florida called them), and ordered Florida to buy the best food, drink, and party favors that thier RENT MONEY could buy...

To make a long story short, he got to the office only to find that a mistake in the computer caused them to show him 10 years younger than he actually was, and subsequently made him TOO OLD for the apprentice program... so he didn't get the job...

INSTEAD of going home and griping and whining about WOE IS ME and THE MAN IS KEEPING ME DOWN he proceeded to tell his wife... who then SUPPORTED him and told him as long as they had family, and they were happy, that they'd make it (I'll speak on this in a bit)... James found a side job to get the money that he'd wasted on the party... and that was that... SCUFFLED to make ends meet for his fam.

TO ME... James Evans is the epitome of what a black father should be. YES! He was BROKE ... but he provided for his family by ANY means necessary ( being a dishwasher, car wash attendant, etc). He held onto his role as a strong black patriarch of their family and ruled with a stern, yet loving hand. James is supportive of his wife and in turn, gets her support... If I find a James Evans... my search is over... period. Broke or not.

As for Florida in this episode, it showed me that we should recognize when our men are TRYING to do well... Let's praise and encourage them for what they're DOING and stop downing them for what they're NOT doing... I mean if they're TRULY trying to better themselves... let's be behind them :)

Aight...I'm off my James Evans High Horse

...

Almost back...
I sooooooo wanna write a blog tonight... but I just downed a 'night night' pill and a bit of rum... so I don't expect to be on this side of consciousness for very much longer...

I have SOOO much blog catching up to do ( reading your entries, commenting, and writing my own)... I promise to get it done... I thank the 2 new readers I've gained in my absence and the 40 that I had before this hiatus began...

It's not that I have anything interesting to update... It's just that I miss spouting my ridiculousness on here... and hearing your input...

Very very soon... I shall return...

wuvs ya :)

~Jae

Go Jae... It's ya Birthday...

(that is the back of my cubicle today... :-)

I'll be back soon... still getting settled in (Painting and such...) Today is my 27th birthday.... so I thought I'd take a pause for the cause...:-)

Hope u all are well...I'll be back to blogging soon :-)

**If These Walls Could Talk **

... So I'm still packing... but I needed to take a second to really 'feel' what I'm feeling...

Yes, these walls are just a shelter... but what secrets have their service held? When it's just you and the walls... what do you whisper... How have the plaster and paint watched you grow? Die? Really live?

... The picture above will seem like two holes in bathroom plaster and a broken towel rod to everyone... But to me, they hold a story. These holes are from passionate repose... a moment of temporary insanity when I felt like the strength of those screws could withstand the full force of my pull as I vied for leverage to show my love... take that to mean what you will... but we see who won the battle...

... Within these walls I taught my daughter to read...Dressed her for her first day of school... Fell in love... spent countless nights with the love of my life... lost him.... watched the death of our love as it wilted behind his eyes...

... The paint smells of him... faintly... somewhere well beneath the human sense of smell... He lingers in my carpet... he exists w/ me here... in this space... our love and what was real 'once upon a time'... is still lives here... in these fibers...between these studs...

... By this time next week, I'll be in a new place... new paint... new carpet... no memories there for me... only new adventures to be had... and here... new carpet will be rolled and tacked... new paint slathered over old... shredded and thrown to the trash-heap will be my secrets... My love... My past...

....

**OK!! Sorry I've NEGLECTED my blogging but...**

I'm BACCCCCK!!!
(That's a pic of my little one blowing bubbles on the beach beside our condo in PCB at sunset...) Probably my FAVORITE pic of the vacay(yes, she has on a life vest... those waves were crazy)) :)

Just got home from Panama City Beach!! I had SUCH a blast!!! Pictures to come... promise! I was there for 8 days so there are TONS of pics... i'll just pick a precious few...

I won't be back to blogging FULL FORCE until NEXT week... maybe! I am STILL in the process of MOVING... Now it's the Nth hour!!! LOL Last day in this apt is a WEEK from today... Whew!

Anyway.. hope all my readers are well.. I've missed reading your comments... and I PROMISE to make the blog rounds and read ALL of your updates and comment!!! :)

Have a great rest of the weekend!!

~Jae

Entranced.....

...sorry I haven't written in a while.... Super busy with moving and such... Right now I'm on my way to Panama City Beach... ** I just turned to my right and looked out the window... Immediately, I was entranced by the moon and stars... U know what happened next...** Amen...

This Lonliness

These lonely nights are weighing on me...

** As I lay in my bed after a beautiful Mother's Day with my mom and my daughter, still I feel a void. This big queen sized bed only serves to UNDERLINE the fact that I have no one with which to share my experience.

** But then I begin to think... 'This spot beside me could easily be filled. QUICKLY! A warm body is really only 10 digits away.' The space could be taken... but the void would still exist. I want more.

** Play fight with me and nuzzle me close. Kiss my shoulder when we're spooning and whisper that you ' love me '. Hold me tight without making me wonder when your leaving or making my skin crawl... Be mine. Not for now... Not for the night... Not for a while... but for always... :-)

** So I change my orientation on the sheets... diagonal with these long legs scissored... I hold the space for the one who has my heart... the one I'm being choosey for... The one who hates the lonliness, but will find the pay off well worth the pain...

** I hold the space for me.

So I got a ticket today... lol

Soooo... I got a ticket today.
Nope. Not a SPEEDING Ticket... a ticket for expired registration tags. LMAO!!!! (Let me say first that, here in KY, This is a FREE ticket. That means... all I have to do is show that I've rectified the problem... no court costs... no nothing)...

I went to get my toesies done ... and as I was leaving the nail salon, I notice TWO coppers sitting in a parking lot about 1/8 mile away from me. They were parked with one facing one way and the other parked another way ( kinda like an auto 69'er)... looked like they were talking...

....

WELL!! I get in my car... and attempt to go the LONG way around so that I don't pass them, and they start to pull out... one going ONE way, one going the other. They basically had peeped my tags and were waiting for WHOMEVER owned that car to come out... lol I was TRAPPED !

So anyway, I live like walking distance from the nail salon, and I knew that if I got into my parkingplace I'd be homefree... They were on my tail... but I sped into the parking lot and then....

... BLUE LIGHTS...
DAMN IT!!! They've got me...

Sooooooo I pull over... right in FRONT of my apartment... and the cop pulls up... he's snickering a bit... I'm snickering too... because we BOTH know why he pulled me over... He said,"Ummm ma'am... Did you know your tags were expired? " I look at him... girlishly and say, "Yes, They've been expired for quite sometime."... He laughs a little... I hand him my license and proof of insurance...

... He comes back... hands me my ticket... and I mosey on up to my parking spot...

... What I've failed to tell you is... my tags expired LAST year. June 2008. I have been riding on expired tags for the period of 1 year... and managed to evade the police the entire time...until now... Otherwise I'm legal! But tags... no go.

It worked for me! People see that your tags are expired for a year, they think you have NO insurance... They get off your ass... But I DO! I have Progressive... pay that shit religiously EVERY MONTH! Gooood insurance...but you don't know that. You just assume ;)

... So I have 30 days to get my tags... and I have a choice... Either I can get them before MAY ends and just pay for LAST YEARS tags... or.. I can get them in JUNE and get both last years and this years... I have the chance to start this whole evasion game all over again... hmmm... Decisions... decisions... lmao

I have this thing...

So I have this thing that I do...
At first, it was intentional... something that I did to make myself feel better about the way that I thought about 'him'. I always want to make sure my feelings are clear... but that's hard to do miles and miles and miles away...but I always find a way...

... let me say this first...
Some of the thoughts that I have and the beliefs that I subscribe to are completely OUTLANDISH!!! I recognize that... But they can best be described as 'coping' mechanisms. What are a few of these weird beliefs? Ok, I won't pass a "white" vehicle if it's in front of me... Something in me associates the color 'white' with God and thinks that this vehicle is safeguarding me from something bad that may happen up ahead. When he's driving I stay a decent distance behind and WILL NOT pass.

... Also, I think that watching a helium balloon float into oblivion, somehow opens the soul... It does something to me... and no matter WHAT is going on around me... I will stop, and watch... until I can't see it anymore.

... The last one is the one that most directly applies to this blog... I believe that the stars and the moon are tiny microphones into heaven. When I pray, I look directly into a star (if I am able), and speak directly to God. I pray just like you guys do... but to me, I'm nuzzled right into his ear when I'm on the 'mic'.... It makes me feel like it's all clear...

... Tonight... As I was closing my windows and preparing for bed, I looked up into the moon and asked God to let 'Him' know that I love him still. That I always will... I prayed that God would keep him safe and happy, and that life would give him all the great things he deserved... I prayed for him. As I always do...

... Everytime I see the moon... I pray the same prayer... the stars are for everyone else... but the moon belongs to him....

This brings to mind a line from a Tyler Perry Movie... " I know I love you because I pray for you more than I pray for myself. ".... I do. That's how I know that I TRULY loved and love him. That has changed. The manner of love I can give... But I love him. Even as one day I will marry another. Even as he moves on and builds his family. Even as our paths begin to diverge.... I love him still... on some level... I believe I always will...

Oprah and KFC *Your Thought*

QUESTION::

How do you feel about this? Do you feel that it was structured properly? What did you do w/your " coupon "? Did you even print one? How did you like the Chicken??

.... My answers to those....

I feel that this was a vehicle that could've gone down a PHENOMENAL path, instead its taken a turn that it shouldn't have. This was an opportunity for us to help those less fortunate (yes, I'm taking it there.)... the FIRST thing I thought about this when I heard was, " Wow... I wanna print off a bunch and give them to the homeless!"... (well, actually when I FIRST heard, I thought it was a hoax (text message))... They've DISABLED this. You WERE able to print as many as you'd like. Now, they've found a way to restrict it to one per computer... I've not even tried because that's ridiculous.

GRANTED, this was probably done to combat greed w/n the offer... but they should have thought it out BETTER before putting it forth. Don't change the game in the middle... Keep it as it was... Some people had already handed out mannnnnnny of these, when they found out that there is NOW a bar code that can be scanned and will only accept ONE coupon w/ that bar (not sure how accurate this is)... sooooo there may be many homeless people out there w/ coupons that will be TURNED AWAY for the hot meal that they've anticipated.

.... Yawn... I'm tired of talking about it... But I was also a little perturbed that OPRAH was associated with this... Can we say Perpetuating a stereotype? Ugh... That's like George Lopez coming out in support of unlimited taco's from Taco Bell... :sigh: I hear ya... Helpin' people... but...let's do it ALL the way...

*Use 'Black' words...*

Facetious.
(adj)\fə-ˈsē-shəs\
1 : joking or jesting often inappropriately : waggish
2 : meant to be humorous or funny : not serious

*** This evening, while speaking with one of my good 'net' homies, I used this word just in casual conversation. The next typed entry was " Could you please use a "BLACK" word?"

Huh?! WTF!?!

I asked WHAT a 'Black' word was and why was it necessary to degrade our race by implying that all things 'intelligent' were NON-BLACK? For whatever reason that angered me a bit because I'm OFTEN told that I don't speak the way "BLACK PEOPLE" should (or are expected). I use large words in speaking ( not here because I just don't... lol), and think NOTHING of it only expecting that the people I speak w/ will understand. It's nothing for me to throw 'unequivocally' or 'surreptitiously' into casual convo... that's just the way that I speak!!! Not BLACK, not WHITE, not ASIAN... Just Jae.

PEOPLE!!! We REALLY have to start associating ourselves and our race (whatever race you may be) w/ positivity!!! Don't play INTO the stereotypes!! SURPRISE people. Speak in the way that you'd like to be perceived!! You can have DIFFERENT manners of speaking w/ different PEOPLE but don't allow yourself to be PIGEONHOLED into what others EXPECT from your (race).

Ugh. I adore my homie-- but that got all up underneath my skin.

**facetious isn't even a big word! lol**

**John Witherspoon imparts some wisdom**

John Withersppon is the SHIT! LMAO!! One of the funniest dudes ALIVE... and reminds me SOO MUCH of my dad... lmaoooo MEN, you better LISTEN TO HIM!!

This shit is hilarious...

** Do we all REALLY have them? **

** Let me start by saying, I do not CONDONE, Advocate for, or believe that it is ok to RAPE someone.** "No!" means "NO!", unless "No!' means "Harder/Faster/Deeper/Rougher/etc"... In which case a 'code word' should be put forth... In THAT CASE, "Asparagus/Banana/Gypsy/Onomonopeia/Grandma/Uncle Ned" or any word NONSEXUAL word of your choosing, means "No!"...***

--on w/ the blogging--

I've heard it said many times that MOST women have, or have at one time had, a 'rape' fantasy(meaning they envision themselves being taken [seemingly] against their will by a lover. This may include bondage, light violence, name calling, etc). I was just wondering... is this true?

I, myself have found the 'agressive lover' to find it's way into my psyche MANY times. Often, I've wondered what it means?! Do i want someone to rough me up? Do i want to just lose control? Why do I want to be 'taken'? Who knows... but to me, it's hot.

What do you think it means when women have the 'rape fantasy' scenerio play out? If it just fun playtime? Or potientially dangerous? Is this a misunderstanding waiting to happen? What are some funny 'code words' that you could use?

*... But your door is closed*

2k9's Rico Suave... lmaoooooo

'Yeah! Theres a fucking Manager!'

Those are the words spoken by a EMPLOYEE at Fazoli's here in Louisville, KY....

*These are the words that almost cost me bail money and a court appearance... Almost had me leave my non-violent demeanor and reach over the counter and FUCKING HER UP!

my girls and I were on our lunch break...already late because I had to go Alllllll the way across town to get some new hair (lol)...RUSHING through FAZOLI'S to get our lunch (and the lunch of fiddy other people that overheard our lunch plans and decided to get in where they fit in... (hate that))...

The joint was packed but we managed to get through the line in enough time to make it back to work w/o being late (we thought)... all we needed was our grilled chicken club salad....

..... 2 minutes. No salad.
3 minutes, 4 customers who were originally behind us served. No salad.
..... 5 minutes. No salad
10 minutes. High blood pressure looming... No. Fucking. Salad!

ok... so we're being patient but... in our patience, we notice the little broad who packages the meals and brings them over, having an attitude issue. She's craning her neck and talking smigity smack under her breath yet loud enough for us to hear...

In the course of our waiting, I may have said (very politely), ' Seriously!?! Does it take that long to make a salad?!'. This comment was OBVIOUSLY not meant towards her because she's only responsible for the closing and packaging of the meals...

TELL ME WHY this broad says (to he little co-worker friend), 'I swear if they say ONE MORE FUCKING THING [About that salad]....

My MOUTH hit the floor! I said, to my girls ' I wonder if theres a manager here!?' She said, 'Yeah there's a fucking manager here!' ( still talking to her friend )... I said ' GO GET HIM NOWWW!'

so I telll the manager and he pulled her off the floor immediately!!
This BITCH almost got dealt with.

*I'm in LOVE w/ her... *

Ok, I'm only posting THIS one because it's the only one it would let me EMBED... BUT Look @ the "Hiproll-Rayray" by her (you won't regret it... promise)... I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOo in love w/ this girl... her personality (in these vids) is so cute... and ummm... this is EXACTLY the body I'd want (doesn't have to be hard... just cuteeee!)

I love how she moves her body... and has real SKILL-- and JAY! She's 20... so don't give me the kiddie porn shit! LMAO... I've watched EVERYONE of her vids... but seriously can't get enough of the 'hip roll' one... ::sigh::

You're wrecking my flow [BITCH]!

**I have road rage. I can admit it! But my thing is I only rage out within the parameters of my car... I have only followed someone ONCE (I know, stupid move that could've gotten me murderlized.) , and I have YET to actually get out of the car in anger.

The THING IS, I have a long morning/evening commute, that I use as 'ME' time. Alllllll I want is for U Not to wreck my fucking flow! This bastard ass SUV pulls out in the MIDDLE (turning) Lane and PROCEEDS TO DRIVE!!!!! i'm talking about the SUICIDE lane (not sure what they're called where U are.). you're supposed to pull out there.. and WAIT for an opening... not DRIVE!!!!!

SO THIS MUH-FLUCKER is driving BESIDE me in the SUICIDE lane and trying to boguard his way over!! I'm LAYYYYYYYYING on my horn and not letting up... I finally let him over but CONTINUE to lay on the horn....

Son of a TRICK.... wrecked my ENTIRE morning flow... beeotch ass beep-stard. Ugh...

lol (ok, I'm done Exhaling)

**JUST SAY EXCUSE ME [BITCH!]!!!! **

OK... Let me set the scene... I'm in the "U-SCAN" like @ Kroger... TRYING to get my junk scanned and out the door in time to get my kiddo from daycare... The broad in front of me is DONE... HOWEVER... The chick at the "U-SCAN" in front of ME is still scanning HER stuff...

The broad in front of me has moved forward and out from in front of the U-SCAN w/ her cart and groceries but is just STANDING there because she can't get past the lady in the other U-Scan....

... Hence, she's STILL in my bubble while I'm scanning.... (ok, before anyone says anything... She had moved far enough away from ME that I could still scan and it was evident that she was trying to leave... so I didn't PREMATURELY whip out my Chicken and start scanning...)

... THIS BROAD JUST STANDS THERE!!!....
I'm in my head SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMING @ her... "JUST SAY EXCUSE ME BITCH!!!!" But yet... still minding my own business and scanning... She SQUEEEEEZES her ass past the lady w/o even acknowledging that she was in her space! WHAT?! Not a peep from her in her insanity...

ME, myself, I say 'EXCUSE ME' alot! If I'm in your bubble (and it's unavoidable), If I bump you, if I need to get past, if I say something out of the way, as well as other instances... I have NEVER understood why people REFUSE to say 'Excuse me'!!! It URKS me to no END!!! Especially the people in the [grocery, book, clothing] store that will just STAND AND LURK behind you until you move. ALL IT TAKES IS FOR YOU TO SAY EXCUSE ME!!!!

AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... LMAO! Whew... ok, I feel better... I've exhaled... lmao... Just say fucking excuse me people... Seriously... Two words... is that too much to ask?!

... ok, I'm really done now. lmao...
*Sorry for the profanity.... I'm making a concious effort NOT to censor myself in my writing... I try not to offend... but this is how I speak sometimes... lmao*

**Dating Plus Sized Women**

I found this on YouTube... and w/ me being a 'big girl', it interested me. He gives an unbiased view on this subject, and really just breaks it down. Give it a gander.

* I used to LIKE going out??!!*

...Just woke up after a long night out w/ my friends...
I can't believe that I used to LIKE going out to the club!!! Ugh...
I guess I've just outgrown the club scene. Something about strangers hunching on my booty doesn't appeal to me anymore... lmaooooooooooo

-- oh well.. hope you guys are having a great weekend.

*Could you at least TRY!!??!?*

OK! I'm all about equality and tolerance. I am one of those people who believes that people who are homosexual should be allowed to marry. If you're a cross-dresser, that's on YOU! I will not judge... HOWEVER... Could you at least TRY look like a real woman?!

This is a picture of Stu Rasmussen, the first crossdressing mayor. I mean, he wasn't a "looker" previously... but as a WOMAN he's HIDEOUS! I mean, a little makeup please

Ok... maybe he has on a little rouge in this pic... But... it's disturbing.

I just watched an interview where he stated "I'm a hetero-sexual man under here."... My thinking is, what is the mindset of a woman who wants to be w/ a man who at ANY TIME you could catch in your drawers and heels?! (wait... bad example (lol)).

At some point, should there be a LINE drawn w/ who we choose to represent us in public office? I mean, I have a dress code @ my job... and I can't come in there looking like a goth or rainbow bright... But this guy's a MAYOR! What you do in your private time is cool... but when you're IN THE PUBLIC eye and representing the people you HAVE to rein it in...

Dude doesn't even try to change his voice... I'm talkin deep baratone coming out of that face. DIS-TUR-BING.

*Closer*

Gonna keep it short.

I talked to exie this evening. It felt GREAT!! Like talked on the PHONE. Haven't heard his voice since July. We talked about my life, his life. The new baby on the way. His girlfriend. Our good times, our bad times. It made me feel great. I feel closer to him... as my friend... but more distanced as his lover. which is great.

I miss him.I love him. Glad to have him in my life. Even as just my friend. He is one of my best friends. If not THE best [male] friend. :)

* An Easter Peep-show *

Hope your easter was wonderful! :)

Happy Easter Readers :)

**My New Obsession... My D.A.D-D*

So here you see ME w/ my new obsession.. My guitar that I refer to my D.A.D-D (Dumb Ass Dude Demonstration). Why? Because he's allllllways being play'd ;)

Anywhooo... I got it yesterday and already I've almost learned 'Hey There Delilah' (playing) by the Plain White T's.

I'm SO in love w/ my guitar... love it! I sing... so this is the natural next step right? I'm teaching myself and have played tonight for about 4hrs... lol

I'll keep ya updated...

... you guys have any new obsessions?

*Strippers/Pole Dancing*

iSupport pole dancing. This video is probably not of the BEST pole dancer... and I'm SURE alot of you have seen better... But the things she does makes it look like she'd DEFYING GRAVITY! It's like mezmerizing... She's not hot to me... this is not SEXUAL at all (my facination w/ this vid)... but just the way she's swinging on that pole is banana's... Imagine the kind of ATHLETICISM you have to have to be able to control your body that way...

Ya kno... I always said (and get ready to judge me... ) If I ever got skinny, or had a bomb ass body, I'd do at least ONE song in a strip club. I've always wanted to do it and I've always admired STRIPPING. I think that they're incharge of their sexuality and exude a RIDICULOUS amount of confidence.

NOT ALL strippers are whores. Only the ones who CHOOSE that path. And I don't have a problem w/ them (until the undies come off...)

What song would I strip to? Joi- Lick (playing now). I've already planned for that. And my routine would be RIDICULOUS...

Fun fun fun. If I ever get that bangin' body... look for me in a strip joint near no one. lmao Doin' my thing and rockin' it like a... well... rockstar! lmaooo

and then back to regular life..knowing I did it.

(enter judgements...... now.)

**What are some things that you'd like to do that perhaps, are taboo to others?**

**I am... **

There are so many different facets to me. I'm sure the same is true for you. Sometimes the things that others see as "bad" traits, are the things that we, ourselves hold most closely and keep dear. So, everynow and again... I'll think about something that people see in me and deem "negative" and learn to love it even more...

...I AM RANDOM...

One moment I may be discussing religion...

The next I may be speaking of the best orgasm I've ever HEARD about

I am able to discuss politics with people from BOTH sides of the aisle

and in the next breath, talk about my very REAL fear of Freddy Krueger

That's me...

My thought process is so varied. I may have to go all around the block

to the corner and around the bend

just to reach what YOU have come to in a straight line.

I have A.D.D

That is not just something that I CLAIM

It's a very real part of who I am.

I am diagnosed.

I am NOT ashamed.

Did you know that Ben Franklin and Albert Einstein ALSO were thought to have this

DISORDER?

So. Next time you're thinking your Vanilla thoughts. Your 1 plus 1 is 2..

I'll be all Neopolitan like Chocolate Vanilla and STRAWBERRY on yo ass.

:)

yep. I'm random.

deal w/ or not...

Your Choice

**What are some things about YOU that others see as "faulty", and you just ADORE?! **

*Puh puh puh Poe-ker fayce!**

~~HAHAHA~~ This is my POE-KER FAYCE!

*This song got me thinking... HOW LONG do you have to hold your poker face in a new relationship? How long do you need to wait before you reveal your true feelings (if you're enamored w/ your beau)?

I am the kind that doesn't play games (ok that may seem strange to say given previous blogs (LOL)). When I like you, I like you to know. I don't like to leave anything to chance. But the thing is... There is DEFINITELY a time when it's too soon to let on that you like someone... Like when it could be scary...

You never wanna seem too eager in a new 'situation'. So... Tell me, how long do you hold your Puh puh puh poe ker fayce...

*Share Your Thoughts w/ Me*

Share with me some of your weirdly deep thoughts.

-Do you ever just find yourself, out of the blue, contemplating the reality of YOUR life (not the meaning of life in general, but why YOU were put here.)?

-Do you ever think about the reason that someone was put into your path? A past lover? Friend? Someone who you knew previously but then lost touch with who, despite their disappearance, continues to have a [de-linked] influence on your world (i.e you met your husband through them? You had a relationship w/ them that made financing your home easier? They put you onto a job where you've excelled?)

* I am someone who thinks and OVERTHINKS everything. I think about traffic. Like, Yes, this car pulled out in front of me and made me angry as hell BUT, what if it hadn't and there was an accident up ahead that I would have been involved in had that car NOT intervened?

--It's crazy. I think of things like this all the time. Like... What if I'd taken that right instead of the left? What if I had gone to lunch HERE instead of THERE? Wonder how the most minuscule of decisions can change the entire course of your life.

-- On the day that I met exie, I was vacillating between going to lunch at " Dinner is Done " (a restaurant here), and another place. I'd not ever been there, and someone suggested it. As I sat at the light where my decision HAD to be made, I turned my wheel towards the OTHER place, but suddenly jerked it back the other way and went to Dinner is Done. And I met Jim.

... I still blame that lady today that suggested it (jokingly of course)... But to me, it just goes to show how something that seems menial, could drastically alter your experience.

SHARE W/ JAE!!!

** And What Of It? **

I like to laugh. I laugh so much sometimes that it's obnoxious. But guess what? I COULDN'T GIVE TWO SHITS!

I'm happy... sometimes... usually. I wanna make others laugh. If you're around me... you're spending about 80% of your time laughing. Unless I just met you (and I'm shy), or we're engaging in business. In the business setting, you will only laugh about 60% of the time, but only at business related jokes.

So what! I like to laugh. I don't take life TOO seriously. I am successful, a good mom, a great provider, and happy... alone... Ha! Ha..haha... Hahhahahahaha

... so I wanna laugh... and what of it!?!

(by the way exie told me today that he was having a boy.... and that he loved me... lol)

and to that I said... " Hahahahahahahahah"

see... told ya I like to laugh ;)

**Uncle Tom**

... But on a serious note....

This is a picture that I, myself, took. This was parked outside of the grocery store in the town where I live. My first reaction was OUTRAGE!!! HOW DARE some white man ( yes, the man that owned this vehicle was white (this was on the back of someone's trailer hitched to their truck)) call Barack Obama an "UNCLE TOM". **Note** This pic is from a few months ago. I just saw it in my phone and recalled the feelings...

My second reaction was, WHERE THE HELL DO I LIVE?! As stated previously, this was OUTSIDE of the ONLY grocery store in my town. So now, I have to walk into this place and have whomever feels this way, looking at me thinking the same thing that they've written on their sign. It made be feel weird, uncomfortable, sad, and hurt. In this day and age, why don't people see how INAPPROPRIATE it is to voice their opinion in this way? I had to go into a discussion w/ my daughter about what an "uncle tom" was and why someone had such bad feelings for someone they don't know...

::sigh:: It is what it is I guess... You can't control the way that people feel or their actions. Only the way that you react. People are so ridiculous.

video blog coming soon. Subject will be...

Ok, I'm a raunchy girl. Some define me as a GUYS girl... I hadn't really displayed that in my blogs previously (only mildly), for fear of offending people by speaking about overtly sexual things.

... I finally realized I couldn't supress the beast (hence the "everything's starting to look like a..." blog.) So from now on, I'm me. Cursing, crass, sexual inuendo, etc... love it or hate it... Thanks for following... but I don't wanna offend... If I ever speak on something that offends you... and you can't deal w/ it... I won't take it personally if you quit following ( but I will miss you dearly :( )
... THAT BEING SAID...

My next blog will be a video blog talking about several things that my guy friends and I have been discussing recently... including, but not limited to, "where do you want it", What next, Where is the line (of being gay/bi/straight), when is it ok to 'get it on' in a non-comitted relationship... etc

If anyone has any input on these... I WELCOME it... if you wanna talk about anything else... lemme know... HEY! If you have Windows movie maker we could do a montage! You record your part. send it to me... and I'll SPLICE it together... it can be like a mini blog show... wooo hoo...

I'm getting excited now...

WHERE MY GIRLS AT?! lmao

*Tremors*

...I've written about this before... but it just happened again and it NEVER CEASES to freak me out...

It's about 70 degrees in my house. I'm under covers and not physically cold in the least. YET, I AM SHAKING! Not just shaking a little... but I'm having ridiculously strong TREMORS. My jaws are clenched and my muscles are spasming like I've been exposed to the elements in some icy tundra....

... why? ...

BECAUSE MY EX TEXT'd ME! This man has lost most of his MENTAL control of me but has retained and seemingly INTENSIFIED his ability to control me physically... or at least my reactions to him... Just his name on my phone makes me nervous. Puts me into a state of flux. I hate it. I hope it passes someday... Because even though I'm not in love w/ him anymore... I guess some part of me is refusing to let go...

::shook:: quite literally

*(in the words of Jaycie) iSUPPORT Hiprolling!!!! **

OK! This is some SEXY SHIT (Again, I am NOT GAY, just loooooooove womens bodies (exept vagina's)) I find myself MESMERIZED BY hip rolling... lol even on the RARE occasion that I'm in a club...if a girl is doing this well... I am STARING!

This is one of the MAIN reasons that I wanna be small (er)... because I can ACTUALLY DO THIS. I can hip roll w/ the BEST of em because I am OBSESSED w/ middle eastern/belly dancing (which is, I believe, where this move origniated)...

The sad thing is... it looks ALOT DIFFERENT under several layers of fat! LMAOOOOOOO When your belly is dancing on it's own, it just DOESN'T have the same steamy effect... but ONE DAY ... ONEEEEEEE Day dammit... I'll be dazzlin' someone w/ my hip/belly rolling/dancing skillz...

But for now... I'll drool over this broad workin' it out...

***EDIT!!!***

Ok, thanks to Ms.Gee Nah Muh Ree-- I watched THIS video-- now I'm DEFINITELY not an ASS person... at all... I don't like asses at ALL... But umm about HALFWAY THROUGH... watch this chick in the Capri's... Yep... If I can learn THAT to compliment the hip rollin' ... man oh man... Whew... I ALSO support this!