I have this thing...

So I have this thing that I do...
At first, it was intentional... something that I did to make myself feel better about the way that I thought about 'him'. I always want to make sure my feelings are clear... but that's hard to do miles and miles and miles away...but I always find a way...

... let me say this first...
Some of the thoughts that I have and the beliefs that I subscribe to are completely OUTLANDISH!!! I recognize that... But they can best be described as 'coping' mechanisms. What are a few of these weird beliefs? Ok, I won't pass a "white" vehicle if it's in front of me... Something in me associates the color 'white' with God and thinks that this vehicle is safeguarding me from something bad that may happen up ahead. When he's driving I stay a decent distance behind and WILL NOT pass.

... Also, I think that watching a helium balloon float into oblivion, somehow opens the soul... It does something to me... and no matter WHAT is going on around me... I will stop, and watch... until I can't see it anymore.

... The last one is the one that most directly applies to this blog... I believe that the stars and the moon are tiny microphones into heaven. When I pray, I look directly into a star (if I am able), and speak directly to God. I pray just like you guys do... but to me, I'm nuzzled right into his ear when I'm on the 'mic'.... It makes me feel like it's all clear...

... Tonight... As I was closing my windows and preparing for bed, I looked up into the moon and asked God to let 'Him' know that I love him still. That I always will... I prayed that God would keep him safe and happy, and that life would give him all the great things he deserved... I prayed for him. As I always do...

... Everytime I see the moon... I pray the same prayer... the stars are for everyone else... but the moon belongs to him....

This brings to mind a line from a Tyler Perry Movie... " I know I love you because I pray for you more than I pray for myself. ".... I do. That's how I know that I TRULY loved and love him. That has changed. The manner of love I can give... But I love him. Even as one day I will marry another. Even as he moves on and builds his family. Even as our paths begin to diverge.... I love him still... on some level... I believe I always will...