Urban Dictionary "FAIL"

Urban Dictionary is a comical site w/ mostly false definitions for slang terms... I sometimes venture there for a quick laugh, and to see what OTHERS are saying... I went today... because I have friends that are using a term that I had no clue about. FAIL. Now... I know what "Fail" means, but not that it was a hot new slang term. I wanted to know, precisely what "FAIL" meant.

There were MANY definitions, but this one stuck out merely because of the picture accompaniment. Bwaaaaahahahahahaha

Fail:either an interjection used when one disapproves of something, or a verb meaning approximately the same thing as the slang form of suck.

(This is the picture that was attached)The caption read " you fail baby. You fail." LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

LOVE IT!

...And I almost cried...

Today was a beautifully glorious day... It began w/ me wishing my daughter a happy 7th birthday. Nothing better than looking @ this beautiful little woman, and knowing that I have brought her to this point alone. Yes... others have touched her life and helped to mold her in small ways... but for the most part... Mommy has done it.

The next order of the day was to go pick up my mother from the nursing home and get her ready to come out for my great-nephew's 1st birthday part (yes, he and my daughter SHARE the same birthday... she hates it). This was a daunting task, and one that I'm not sure I can ever get used to. I actually had to bathe her and get her dressed. For me, it's a weird position to be in because I'm so used to my mom being strong...

... it wasn't bad though ...

So we go to the party, it was great to see her happy and smiling and talking to people. My mom was like an escaped inmate. The only sad part was when she said she was tired and we had to leave. I wheel her back to the car... and drive her past the family house. She wants to see how things are. After that, we head back to Louisville to the nursing home. It's about a 45minute drive, so we have time to talk. I hear her talking about getting a car and getting out and all that jazz. It makes me very sad, because I know honestly, she'll probably never drive again... and that she'll probably remain in the nursing home for quite sometime. I just sigh, and agree w/ her.

The saddest part is when we actually arrived back @ the home. I pulled up outside and she had no clue where we actually were. She didn't remember coming in and hadn't been outside since her arrival. I get her into the home and wheel her to her room... as soon as we're in the nurses start coming... (she's very popular there!)... They ask her if she's had a good time... if she's tired... etc... She is. The transformation that happened next is what bothered me...

... They began taking off her street clothes and putting her back into her gown. Putting her on the bed and laying her down ( This is what she wanted). The transformation from my mom in her old form to her sick form almost made me cry. I litterally almost lost it there. She again looked frail and extremely sick...

Sigh... I know that she was still the same person... but it broke my heart to leave her there...

but, at least we had a good day.

E*trade Baby Spoof (LOVE THIS!!!)

I simply can't get enough of the E*trade babies... This is a SPOOF of that... and is HILARIOUS! LMAOOO

**My Next Two Large Purchases**

Here you see it... The next two BIG THINGS I intend to buy! 1.) Suzuki Boulevard Motorcycle and 2.) A Mastiff Puppy...

Why you ask? Because I work hard and I deserve these things! I have no MAN in my life so I feel that this will fulfil that need! I mean, who DOESN'T love a huge hard vibrating piece between her legs ( a little explicit I know, but ya know what?! This is MY BLOG!)
ALSO, These matiffs can get to as large as 300lbs+! Who's gonna mess w/ you when you're walkin' a 300lb dog?! Come on now, seriously. And how ADORABLE are they!? Awwwwwww

The question is, when will I be able to make these purchases? Not sure. Within the next 2 years FOR SURE! The Mastiff's are between 1,000 and 2000.00 a pop... and The Bike will run close to 10,000.00 (you can get payments on that though.. :) )Sooo Maybe before the end of the year ( on the puppy ) and w/n the next 18 months (on the bike). I feel kinda like a cop out because I'm getting a Suzuki-- but that's the bike that I like... My family is a HARLEY family... My dad has ridden for MOST of his life... and umm... I always thought I'd have one too... Maybe I'll change my mind...

But for now... those are my next two BIG purchases... :)

The Hokey Pokey.....

....What if that really is what 'It's all about'?....

For as long as I can remember, I've had this thought. Perhaps there is more sense to that childhood dance than we thought. I mean, what is the hokey pokey but a 'command and satisfy' order? 'You put your left foot in, put your left foot out, put your left foot in, and u shake it all about.'

You gotta dance the dance to stay with the beat of the drum. If you mess up, you usually end up screwing with everyone elses rhythm...

So, could the 'Hokey Pokey' be a blueprint? Kinda like the 'Divinci Code' (ok, maybe that's taking it too far (lol))... but I think theres more there tha meets the eye...

(This blog is written jokingly)... just things that make u go, 'Hmmmmmmmm'

(That's the Gizmo that sits on my desk at work. I've had him since I was verrrrrrrrry little). I Gizmo was a real animal, I'd be the first in line to get one! :-)

**Shoes That I Want!**

Ok, So I'm not a "Girlie-girl". Actually, most of my friends count me as "Just one of the Boys"... This is true. I crack the DIRTIEST jokes, say the RAUNCHIEST things, and all in all just like to have FUN at the cost of being called silly.

I have BIG feet (though they ARE very pretty), so it's very hard for me to find cute shoes! BUT I HAVE! I found some shoes that I aspire to get on Zappos.com! Some of them are pretty pricey (for me (over 100.00 is pricey)), but I wanna get a few of them... I like pretty shoes... they make your legs look nice!

Also, I am pretty tall ( 5'8/5'9), so I shy away from heels... I don't like feeling like a giant. But I LOVE them... I'm about to start struttin' my stuff in some nice heels and not givin' a DAMN who thinks I'm too tall! LMAO

Here are SOME of the shoes that I've found...and love. Enjoy!

** Workplace/Cubicle Etiquette **

I usually blog about something to do w/ "love, anger, falling, happiness, sadness, etc"... But today I want to talk about WORKPLACE ETIQUETTE!!

Today, at my job, the girl in front of me was BLASTING her music and singing along "badly". It was GRATING on my nerves and luckily the good ole trusty ipod was there to take away the pain. I popped it in and... well... all was good...

But why would you EVER assume you can blast music in a job where we work in close quarters? I mean most people I know work in cubicles (even my high wage earning engineer friends... lol). It's UNDERSTOOD that you can not behave in a cube as if you were in the corner office! Grrrrr...

**I'm SO GETTING THIS TATTOO!!!**

This is a tattoo that my friend Jessica's lil' sister just got on her upper thigh. It goes from UPPER THIGH to ALMOST HER KNEE!! (huge!)... But... I'm gonna get it on my upper RIGHT arm and will probablyhave the trebel clef colored in completely though I do like that it's made of the staff.

It won't be THIS HUGE but will PROBABLY be the entire length of my upper arm almost from shoulder to the elbow...

Take a gander.

(not definate on it... bu tI definately like this style... something close is definately in my future)

*My Rambling that means NOTHING!*

You are not the martyr.
No one will save you because there is not need for salvation.
Those who have been provided for have ALSO made provisons.
Don’t you understand it’s a cycle? WE can all pretend to be in need.
Can pretend to be the knight in shining armor… But at some point it’s necessary to realize
You have also been privy to a rescue via someone ELSE’s white horse.
Rest.

You are not an axis.
I can’t think of ONE PERSON (present company included) that Spinnnnnnnns around because you are stationary.
Rest.

I am not any of the things that I proclaim you NOT to be.
However, I do not put myself forth as such.
I’m just Jae. Me. Flaws and all.
Weight, Height, Depth and Breadth of this girl.
This woman. Mother. Sister. Provider. Etc.
I am not a martyr. I have saved but also reaped salvation
I have given but never to get.
Though the cycle of karma has made it her business provide.
Rest.

So sighing I realize all that was perceived
Is not.
Put away my thoughts and fodder.
Regard it as an inconsequential loss.
Thankful that it was never deeper.
Happy to escape unscathed
Emotionally or otherwise.

I sit back and observe. Watching this ’progress’
Well overdue. Very delayed.
Laughable. Purely.

** Little Ashes ** ( I can't WAIT for this film)

Ok... I am in a state of deep anticipation for the film " Little Ashes"... It involves two of my favorite people. Salvador Dali (artist) and Robert Pattinson (Actor PLAYING Dali). Yummy yummy Robert Pattinson... You can see some of Dali`'s paintings in the right margin of my blog ( it changes from day to day I think)... and well we all KNOW how I feel about R-Patz.

This movie is about the burgeoning friendship of Salvador Dali, Luis Bunel, and Frederico Garcia Lorca during their college years in Spain (circa 1922). There is a romance that develops between Lorca and Dali`, as well as other efforts to hide that fact.

The film won't be released until May I believe... but I just saw R-Patz on the red carpet for the Oscars, and thought about it. :)

**My Fuse Is Getting Short**

... an explosion is eminent....

It's not going to be pretty... and when I exhale... I will be letting all the shit that I've been "self censoring" go. I may lose friends. I couldn't care less. My skin is crawling. And the " full of shit-ness" of some people is harming me.

... I digress... and am just watchin that lil' piece of flammable rope get smaller and smaller and smaller...

... stay tuned...

I (Heart) Kanye's SNL Performance

Ya kno, Kanye' caught ALOT of flack for this performance when it first aired. I LOVED it. I mean, his VOX weren't on point... but come on...he's a rapper... he's not claiming to be whitney or Mariah... I love when the lights go out except for the ones behind him during the chorus.

I love Kanye's energy here... I think it's really sexy. I think KANYE's really sexy. And I love his Swagga... LMAO (hush it Jayce--- I like that word!). Basically... I (Heart) Kanye West's performance of "Love Lockdown" on SNL. :)

...But if it's not asking too much...

… Please send me someone to love…..

SO TODAY, I went out and bought some cute clothes!!! Yipppeee… I WRECKED my diet by consuming a “ Garbage Burger “(I’ll let you look it up to find out what that is (it’s from Max and Erma’s) (complete w/ fries and NON-diet Cherry Coke )), Ice Cream, and Carrot Cake w/ Cream Cheese icing (my fav!!). I know… RIDICULOUS!!! But as of TODAY I’ve lost 30lbs (that was pre-food fest). That’s 30lbs in 7 full weeks… I think I DESERVED to have those things… lmao (My Carrot Cake Pictured Below (actual cake-- after I’d devoured the ice cream (lol))

I came home after a great day w/ my sis and daughter to a semi-sad and sobering myspace status from an ex. This is an ex that I have no real romantic feelings for. It’s not the MOST RECENT ex… it’s the one BEFORE him. He’s and his g/f are now moving in together… WTF!!??! Just about a MONTH ago, my FIRST love told me that his g/f was ALSO preggers… (not the panty wearing ex… one that I’m still friends w/ from like 2000)!!! EVERYONE of my most VALUED ex’s have gone to the next level w/ their significant others…

… and here I am…

Blogging about their progress! LMAO I’m happy for him.. He’s SO not the commitment type. Honestly, I’m super shocked. It’s good… It just made me think that I’m NOT moving to the next level w/ anyone. I’m having mini-freak outs because of falling for a friend… Reminiscing about a ridiculous past relationship… Being sad… and bitching about what I DON’T have… Instead of making it happen.

I need to do that. Make it happen. Maybe try internet dating or something (since I have ZERO time to be on the ‘scene’). I mean, I’m an E-Harmony REJECT (“We’re sorry, we currently don’t have anyone enrolled that would be compatible w/ you.”)… And I think that’s like the most reputable one right? Grrrr

Oh well… Till then… I’ll just talk to the man upstairs… Ask him to cure me of this loveless psychosis, and send me someone decent to love. J

As I lay in bed... I'm cured..

That pic is a view from where I'm laying (in bed). I'm watching Larry King and thinking about the days events...This is a reflection that I do nightly making sure I give thanks to God for bringing me through and for the lessons that I've been blessed to learn.

As I feel my body and mind unwind, I realize tha my 'Energy' has returned to me. Please understand that it wasn't the quick and speedy resolution that it seems to be. That plight had plagued me for several weeks... and it just hit full force today and urged me to write.

Now though, as I think about and search myself for that misdirection... i realize it's gone. HE is now just him. Not any idealistic specimen of a man... merely my homie. Things are again as they should be and I rest assured that my kinetic has restored it's potiential and hopefully will stay where its warranted, requested, appreciated,and cherished.

For now though, my energy has returned to me.

*night night* :-)

Misplaced affection and admiration

Thats a picture of my workspace... Yummy yummy Robert Pattinson.... lol (just showing that because I SHOULD be working... but this was on my mind...)

Is affection just a form of energy? I'm sure we're all aware that energy cannot truly be 'destroyed', but is merely transferred. Potential and Kinetic. But, if affection and love (meaning the need for release of these things) are just forms of energy, can we project them onto an unintended target simply as a means for release/transference?

I ask because, recently I've begun having some weirdly misplaced feelings for a friend. This is a close (yet distant) guy... and he's nice, intelligent, attractive, and ridiculously unavailable to me (Not because of attachment, but because of other factors that I would never be willing to overlook.)

Honestly, I believe that this is my psyche acting out because it has no pure place to focus this romantic feeling of warmth. I'm just idealizing someone.

I'm sure this will pass... I HOPE this passes sooner rather than later-- It's like a tension that u can't release. lol I hate it. Maybe I need to keep contact at a minimum with this person until I get myself together...

Misplaced affection and admiration.... WOW...

cocaine is a helluva drug (lol kidding I don't do drugs lol )

*Ode to ME!!* (My 100th Blog) (My daughters Advice on Cheating Boys)

Yay! So this is my 100th blog-- I decided to dedicate it to none other than ME! JAE! :) I talk about the DOWN shit that's going on in my life alot. And how ANGRRRRRRRY I am... But-- There are alot of things that I enjoy about being ME! I actually like being Jae... ALOT! So I'm gonna fill this blog w/ things that I like... FIRST UP-- This is the hottest picture of me that I have... lmao-- in my opinion... *it's relative right*...

(no wait... that's me in the morning.... lol)
THIS is the one I'm thinking of... I'm not sure why I think it's hot-- lmao-- I took it myself and that's actually the shirt of an ex ( not the one w/ the whole panty thing going on... a different one)... I rarely feel pretty--- but in that pic... I did... so I like.


THE NEXT thing about ME that I like is my independence. I am blessed, in these tough economic times, to have a wonderful job. I love my co-workers, boss', and the job that I do. I get to help people, and get the moneyyyyyy rollin' in. Hopefully I get to stay there while I go back to school (whenever I do that)... but for now it's afforded me the opportunity to " Have my Own".

The song playing "She Got Her Own"... is a song that reminds me of NONEOTHER than... well... ME! :D ... EVERY WORD of that song is me... lol... I am completely independent and fully expect to SHARE w/ my mate (by sharing I mean, EQUALLY... lol) I've paid for dates ( and he has too)... Bought nice gifts, as I've gotten nice gifts... and am happy to be able to say I depend on NO ONE... Yip yip yippp Jae!!!




Below is a video of my pride and joy and I-- This video makes me almost cry everytime... LADIES-- LISTEN TO MY DAUGHTER-- I'm talkin'.. She was like 5 in this video!! and she talks about CHEATING MEN!!! So candidly... This is the reason I live... my daughter... all the best ( and a few of the worst ) parts of me live in her... Ms. Moriya.

Ok... this has gotten long... so here are a list of OTHER things that I LOVE about me...

• My ability to forgive.
• My laugh (It's a great, rich, belly laugh... you can tell I'm REALLY laughing... (I don't ever giggle))
• My soft heart
• My deep soul
• My huge feet-- oh wait... I don't like those.
• The ability to make new friends easily.
• The ability to make others laugh.

Aight...that's not it... but it's enough... :) Hope you enjoyed my 100th blog... and if you don't do ANYTHING ELSE... watch that vid of my kid-- I SWEAR she's insightful...

**MY CRUSHES!!!/Song that I will ALWAYS associate w/ ex*

**Quick thing-- The song playing " Buy You a Drink " will always be associated w/ my most recent ex. I realized that when I was looking up information about my crush Anoop Desai (see below) and found this site where he was SINGING it w/ his college musical group. I love the song... something about the harmonies tug @ my heart... lol... and my memories... ANYWHOOO moving right along...

These are my crushs... don't laugh. lmao I'll never BE w/ these people ( not that lucky ) but I like looking at them... There is a definate theme here... see if you can figure it out...

Anoop Desai-- From American Idol.... Well, I actually just saw that he didn't make it through... BUT THERE'S ALWAYS the WILDCARD show...

Love you Anoop-Dawg... How handsome is he (I know I know... not for everyone...but I love him!)

Next guy is ACTUALLY a friend of my bestie. His name Is Deepak. From the SECOND I saw this dude on her myspace... I was like ummm who is that?! She told me and I was smitten.. almost obsessed for a bit... How Gorgeous is this dudes?! I'm sayin!

He has like THE BEST hair I've ever seen!

I thought another one was needed... Scrummmmmmmmmmdiddlie umptious... Oh-- these are his promo-shots... not his regular ones... but those are hot too...

Alright-- The LAST person is an actual celeb... and no one ELSE thinks he's hot that I've told. LOL-- I don't care! lmao I still have a crush on him... KAL PEN!!! ( Kumar from Harold and Kumar)

So... Have you guessed where my major attraction lies these days? (Indian/Middle Eastern Men) hahaha... Love love love em... I wish I had a picture of the hot guythat works in the Subway across from my job... lol He's hot too! and OH SO HAIRY! lmaooooooooo I know, I have weird likes right?! LMAO

** Ummm... You're SUSPECT!**

SO...

This morning on my way to work, I was reminiscing about ... well .. I'm pretty sure you know about what... and for WHATEVER reason, I began thinking of what the signs would be that your boyfriend was " Suspect " (in this case meaning, possibly gay/bi-sexual).

....

I remember my most recent ex and I were hanging out in "our" house in TX. I was coming out of the shower post-coitus and-- ummm-- to my suprise he had on a pair of my panties

::blank stare::

"Ummm.. honey.. Seriously? Why do you have on my undies?!"... him, " Hahahahaha... "

WHAT?!

-- so I let that go--

Same trip... different day... I walk out into the kitchen... and he's like 4 inches taller... I'm scratching my head... I look down... He's got on a pair of my heels... Ummm what?! "honey... why are you wearing my shoes?" him... " hahahahah... " Me, " you're suspect."-- He's pissed...

I let that shit drop both times... but it almost makes me think I dodged a bullet... For future references of any man who may like me, never... ever ever... EVER ever ever... EEEEEEEEEver ever ever Let me catch you in any article of clothing that belongs to me. ESPECIALLY my panties and heels.

:sigh:

Am I crazy? Or was that suspect? Is that something dudes do w/ their girls when they get comfortable?! They try on their underoos?

(I so hope he never ever finds this blog...lol)

** Ummm Beyonce who?! This broad is KILLIN' HER!*

OK... I love Beyonce... like a SUPERFAN of hers. Always have been... BUT, I was watching her video for " Halo " on YouTube and happened upon THIS video. Lisa Lavie is KILLIN' BEYONCE' on this song... and many others!

I'm not don't understand why she's not mainstream... I'd buy her cd... Not BURN it... I'd BUY it. I love the richness of her voice. It has a real smoky substance. Judge for yourself... Here is Lisa Lavie Singing " Halo "

and Here she is singing " If I Were a Boy".

** I used to like you. Now you make me nauseous **

LOL-- What's with my aversion to dudes these days? (NOTE:: This doesn't mean that i have taken to 'women' in thier place.) I have a friend that PI-SESS ME the FUCK off. I don't know why. Like... just in the last week or two. SICK. Like dude has done a complete 180 in my book of "coolness".

Perhaps there is some underlying OTHER issues going on. But I also think there may be a bit of resentment. I'm too nice to say what has really pissed me off. So instead I just bottle that shit up... and get angrier and angrier and angrier. I make niceties if I need to. I try to avoid contact.

I don't play games-- and subtly-- I believe there may be a 'game' afoot. Beware the 'niceguy' he's not always so nice. Beware the dude that's always there for you... He's also there for everyone else. Laughable.

Ugh. Let me go. I'm gonna say something i shouldn't... Hmmm... maybe I should do away w/ that self censorship.

** Songs That Make You Feel A Certain Way **

Ya know, This weekend I was making a mixed cd-- And I began thinking about songs that make me feel a certain way (sexy, horny, happy, relaxed, angry, seductive, etc). What you have to understand about me is my IMAGINATION IS SOOOOOOOOOO vivid! When I listen to a song, it's like I can see the video playing in my head ( even if it HAS no video)...

So the song that's playing right NOW ( Marvin Gaye " After The Dance" ), always makes me think of a club scene. But not like a raucous club.. one that's laid back. Everyone is with their 'crew' having a great time... All of a sudden you make eye contact w/ the girl/guy who seems to have a light around her/him. She's laughing and lounging. dancing and singing along to the songs... BUT for a second... she belongs to you...

Nothing is ever said-- just the eyecontact... she see's you watching her-- and plays to your visual pleasure... The words to this song say it all... LOVE IT

_- This one makes me feel seductive... When I'm getting ready to go out, I'll always play this SOMEWHERE In the Mix...

...and I love how Marvin gets forceful @ the end... " I'm walkin' out of here with you baby. " lol

**If You Can't Love The One You Want... **

** Tolerate The One You're With **

::Beats Loneliness right?::

**Anywhooo... It's Valentines Day right? And many people are waking up to their significant other... Kissing them and MAYBE a little more ( Morning breath and all)... Not I. I shall be falling ASLEEP w/ my (in)significant other... and we will have had fun listening to music tonight... and I will have a mild hangover... Probably, I'll be regretful that I made the decision that I made ( lol )... and in a rush to be in my 'single' state again...

... but it'll be worth it NOT to be lonely tonight ...

**I HATE Valentines Day! Even when I'm attached! It makes the lonely feel lonliner and the attached feel OBLIGATED! My homie is one that I really like...he's a great guy who adores me... It's just not there. But he's happy to spend time w/ me. And I, with him when we are in need of company. He's a great friend, and I'm really very lucky to have him. I just don't have that "spark" that I require to get involved w/ someone seriously.

**Oh well... Is it ok to fill your time w/ friends until "the one" comes along? If it's clearly understood what you BOTH want and expect from the situation... is it alright to tolerate the one you're with, until you get the one you want?

*We Can't Be Friends*

::Sigh::
(That is Exie and I about a MONTH after we began dating... we were so happy and in love... (ok not in love yet... but very happy :))

So today was a good day all in all. I had a phenomenal time at work ( isn't that weird to say?!)... Lately the ax has been swinging low and chopping heads... So some people are apprehensive. In this economy, it would be banana's to be unemployed... Whew... I enjoy my co-workers... alot... I'm friends w/ a couple of my boss'... and it's just good times right now...

The rest of the day went well... UNTIL... (Bum Bum BUMmmmmmmm )Exie started texting me. Nothing serious, just checking to see how I was and making sure I was happy. He asked about my Valentines Day plans (I told him I'd be hanging out w/ Kris (Testosterone from someone who you don't LOVE is better than none at all right ? (I know that's not right... lol)). He asked about the status of us and my relationship... etc...

This entire time I'm SHAKING and NAUSEOUS! Like serious violent tremors. Teeth chattering and sick. The temperature in my house is 70 degrees. By no means COLD... HE just has this effect on me. PHYSICALLY controlling me... even from 1000 miles away. It's so crazy.

So anyway, our convo starts to take a turn I don't want it to take. He starts to get MILDLY sexual ( Bear in mind that not only is he IN a relationship... but the broad is preggo w/ his seed)... He starts talking about lewd things that we used to do ... or what I used to 'enjoy'...

::stomach turns::

I say " Wait. Stop. Rewind. Don't do that. Thanks :) Our memories (of that nature) are best left in a highly secured vault in the back of our mind. The key to our friendship is HIGHLY visible and well defined boundaries."... I was proud of me... His response " Lol. "

Ugh. Are you ever TRULY able to be PLATONIC friends w/ your most recent ex's? I mean, I'm close w/ a few of mine. But we only became TRUE friends after I'd been removed from the situation for a while. The emotions (romantic) were gone, and I was able to enjoy the memories that we laughed about w/o the 'craziness' creeping in.

I've only been removed from this situation for about 3 months... lol and it was more intense than any I'd ever been in. I'm trying to be a friend and happy and loving and ETC... But that control that he has is still there. He doesn't know it... but it is... Ugh...

I'll figure it out right? lol

** You Remind Me of Something... **

** Haha-- and this has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do w/ that R.Kelly song...
Have you ever begun getting to know someone only to realize that you like them SIMPLY because they remind you of someone else? I recently began conversing w/ someone who I've talked to off and on (online) for a couple years. NOW let me say, this is nothing serious... just fun fun and he makes me smile and all that Jazz...

** A while ago, I realized that I like him alot and... he reminds me ALOT of my ex ( 2 ex's ago) Free! He is from New York, is Hispanic ( Free's not, but he's high yella so they have the same skintone), Is in the music biz, and the likeness in their VOICES is uncanny!!! It's crazy... Is it fair to like someone because they play apart in your reminising? I mean, he makes me smile and laugh and etc etc etc just like the old ex used to ( he and I are still friends)... And it's been quite a while since a dude has made me do this.

This isn't going ANYWHERE romantic simply because he lives in Conneticut (but again, is FROM NY (I have a weakness for New Yorkers(lol)), and I DEFINATELY can't do long distance. But it's nice to just have someone to make you smile sometimes right... lol

Response to the comments on my Last blog

It's so frustrating to see all the great responses that you guys are leaving me come in on my cell, and not be able to respond with a return (I can't 'comment' through my cell, only post a new entry :-) ). So I'll just address them in an actual entry... lol

Assertive Witt-- I absolutely WELCOME opposing views on my blog :-). Thats how I learn how others may see a situation. If I were to say 'Everyone has to agree with me!' I would never learn, wouldn't have many friends, and would be truly ignorant to EVERYTHING outside of my viewpoint.

I agree that we don't have the ENTIRE story, but in my view, there are very FEW (if any) situations where it is acceptable to brutally attack a woman. I grew up with the saying 'If a woman puts herself in a man's place, then she also takes on ALL that the situation entails.' and that came from my MOM!

I never saw my dad hit my mom... and doubt that it ever happened. If it did, I would be shocked. I believe that a man has every right to PROTECT himself. I would never presume to say that a man should allow himself to be abused for the sake of not being pegged a 'woman beater', HOWEVER i am saying there are other ways to protect ones self.

RESTRAINT. hold her ass down until A.) The cops come or B.) she calms down. If Rihanna had only the bruises on her arms... it could be argued that he had attempted to restrain her and thats where those came from (which may be the case, we don't know the ENTIRE story.). She had 'allegedly' been punched with a closed fist and bitten. BITTEN! When is it acceptable to bite?

Anywhoooo I still think he was wrong. She might be too... we don't know that part of it. But what I feel certain about is that regardless to what she did to 'provoke' him, he attacked her BRUTALLY.

@Blue -- Yes, I was there for that. and YOU recall my reaction to the matter. I was terrified, traumatized, and indirectly victimized in that matter (by the 'women' who took up for that asshole, thinking I was terrified bitch for thinking he was a bitch for striking a woman in the chest.) I had nightmares about that for WEEKS because I had never seen something so disturbing right before my eyes (remember, I'm very sheltered). Perhaps I need to be exposed to life 'outside of my box' and maybe this has crippled me to what is OTHER PEOPLES realities.. but I know for sure that it's not mine.

I also remember your 'diplomatic' reaction and response. You weren't the culprit or involved in anyway so, you really didn't have to take any stance... but u did play the diplomat.

I am not used to that sort of thinking... and my response would never be one of a calm nature. I agree with EVERYONE'S response (if thats possible)... I think we need the full story, I think u should NEVER hit a woman, I think the media should make sure they're accurate in their reporting and that they should LEGALLY be held to that standard..

(whew, that was alot to type out on my celly... lol )

*Seriously?! It's ok to hit women now?*

* * Let me just say that I'm completely appalled at all the rappers there taking up for Chris Brown! What does it mean for our society and times when we are almost CONDONING violence against women? I read several articles today, that had quotes from many different rappers giving him words of encouragement, telling him that things will be alright, and that this too shall pass. They were telling him that they understood and that they were human too.

* There are even some people coming out for him, that I would never expect to take a stance on the matter. People in my personal life having encouraging words for Chris Brown. I'd like you to imagine that it's your mother or father in this situation. Would you take the same stance? If your mother or father, was beating or being beaten would selected they're you have the same opinion of the situation?

* Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely a fan of Chris Brown, but I absolutely think that you should suffer the consequences of your actions. A lot of people are saying that this is going to be "career suicide" for Chris brown. Unfortunately, I doubt this to be true. I believe that this actually will serve to give him some street credibility, and may possibly amplify his success but change the market.

* There are people who were actually calling Rihanna a snitch!! The truth of the matter is, Rihanna didn't call the police. Someone heard her screaming and called FOR her. This man choked her and punched her like a dude, and then left the scene like a coward. Who condones that?

* I think it says more about the people who are sweeping the act under the rug, than it does about Chris himself. It's said that he grew up watching his mother being abused. This is a perfect example of a time when you should 'rise above' instead of 'falling prey to'. Perhaps the young Mr. Brown has begun to believe the hype of his peers. Perhaps this is a long hidden problem. Whenever the case may be, he definitely needs professional help.

* * Testing out voice dictation * *

OK so I'm using a voice recognition software on my computer. . . It's pretty cool. Definitely a lot faster than typing out. Soooo, this definitely caters to my lazy side. LOL!!! I'm really just trying to put my new computer through its paces. I need to know why it is that I spent all this money (kidding).

* * There are definitely some bugs to be worked out, and it's probably a lot faster at this point to actually type the words, but happening ever learn if you don't take time to try? Like the last line that I typed, it took me about 12 minutes to get it right. OK not really 12 minute, but quite a while.

* * The actually kind of fun, because you have to know the names for the punctuation marks. In all actuality it probably would have been faster for me to type this than to have dictated it to the computer to type.

* * O well. . .

**People Disappoint Me**

* Just sayin'- They do.

I guess it's my fault for allowing them to do this. I always give more credit that one generally deserves so this set up is all mine. This has NOTHING to do with anything love related. Just common courtesy related. People-Let-Me- Down.

My Cats are Kneady

-- yep-- you read it correctly... The last straw to my 'fatness' was when my cats began "Kneading" me. You know, that thing they do to couches, pillows, any REALLY soft surface... They kneeeeeaaad in w/ their paws...

One day I was laying in bed... and my cat climbed on and started KNEADING my tummy!! LMAOOO I laughed and then I said " Awwww... I'm really fat!" lmaooooooooooooooo I thought of this because my OTHER cat just jumped on the couch and did the SAME thing to my tummy... lmaooo

I love that they NEED me, as long as they don't KNEAD me. lol

Ugh... I hate the Gym

This is another cellphone post... I want to take this opportunity though, to say that I hate the gym. Booooooooooo.... I am sure its a necessary evil in everyone's life... but everyday that I go, it's like a slow agonizing death. lol

Hate the Gym... (but then again, I guess that hatred is what has brought me this beautifully fluffy physique lol... that couple with my continued love and adoration with food... lol)

Oh well.

**I'm Such a Punk**

I hate being overly sensitive. But it is what it is ya know? lol

Sometimes people say things to me or make what they like to call "observations" of things that I do, or that are going on in my life and they hurt my feelings. It's something that I hate about myself. lol I wonder if there's some kind of "desensitizing" that I can get. LMAO... Maybe I stand in a room and let people hurl insults at me or pelt me with less than flattering pics of myself.

Whatever I have to do, I hope I grow out of it ( I'm 26. Do I still get to "grow out" of things?). It's more crippling because, even though I'm so damn sensitive, I'm one of the most BLUNT people you'll ever meet. Kinda like I can " dish it" but I can't "take it back". Fuhnie.I usually ALIGN myself with the "mean girls" (or when you're grown, they're called the more opinionated people) so that I'm not the target of their scrutiny... Also because I am a bird of that feather.

oh well...this is something I need to work on. lol. Let me mention that I DWELL on these things. Something that you say to me, that you don't give a second though, I take to COMPLETE offense and hold on to andmill over for-EVER! It makes me withdraw from you. lol

how stupid right? lmao

** My Biggest Dream **

When you look at that picture... how does it make you feel? Relaxed? Calm? Romantic? Do you take a deep breath and get a little sentimental, perhaps thinking of your love, or past loves?

This picture to me encapsulates a big dream of mine. I'd like to someday open a club. That club would be based around the element in this pic that has touched you...

The colors.

The predominant color in this photo is Cerulean Blue.

**Welcome to Jae's 'Cerulean Blue'**

I have always had a facination with the sky at night. The colors as they fade from deep orange as the sun is setting to deep dark midnight black. Somewhere in that progession lies cerulean blue. Lovely as it can be. It calms me. Whatever's going on in my life at sunset, I generally make a little time to notice the sky.

Cerulean Blue would cater to the upscale jazz enthusiast (which is funny, because I'm just now gaining an appreciation for that genre.). I, in my head, can see everything that would be there. Everything that would happen. Laid back and calming... an oasis after a long day/week of wheeling and dealing.

This is my ultimate dream. Hectic days fading to Cerulean Blue nights... :)

(Just a Thought)

Mobile Blogging Test

This is really just a test to find out how the mobile blogging goes.. This is my cat Bishop and in the background, my daughter. Everyone gathers in my bed every morning so this is what I always wake up to.

My daughter just found a Twilight poster in her 'Pop Star' Magazine that had Robert Pattinson (that's him playing right now--"Never Think" from the Twilight soundtrack) on it.... She immediately gave it to me... :-) So my day is made. Right now, she's swooning over the Jonas brothers... ew.... Ohhhh to be young again right? lol

**Should I give up -or- .... ***

... Should I just keep chasing pavements?
Ugh... I'm an idiot. If you knew what I was thinking about right now. WHO I was thinking about... you'd think I was the biggest fool ever. Hahaha... talk about odds that are insurmountable.



I won't say anymore... just listen to the song.

** I smell whiskey **

Yawwwwwwwwwn....

I'm not really sure what time I fell asleep last night. I can say however, that it wasn't very late. I slept very wellllll... and might have to incorporate "whiskey/bourbon/brandy" into my everynight pre-bedtime ritual. WAIT!! That would make me an alcoholic right (lol)? I'm kidding. But it did help me get some rest and forget " The Lonliness "

Sooooooooo I woke up and realized--- " I smell whiskey... "... I look to the right and there is a huge ass glass of whiskey chillin' on the window sill (lol). No WONDER right? My first instinct was to pick it up and take a swing... ya know, start the day off right! But I didn't. I'm gonna go put it into the fridge... for later. (Wow. I really AM sounding like an alkie right now... I swear I almost never drink... let alone at home, alone. lmao)

I also realize I don't wanna meet up w/ Kris like I'd planned. lmao. SOoooooooooo I'm going to take my baby to the circus this evening. It's nothing huge. Like, not ringling brothers... It's the Kosair Childrens Hospital Shriners Circus. So, it should be fun... for a good cause :) I'll take pics.

I'm really feelin' on some Cracker Barrell today... I'm about to head out and grab it w/ my kid. What happened to my diet you say? Well I'm sure the ladies that read my blog can sympathize with the fact that there are CERTAIN TIMES when you wanna eat what you WANNA EAT. SO... I'm going to Cracker Barrell Dammit... and then back to the gym Monday...

The 5k is upon me. ONE MONTH FROM TODAY!!! I will have my ass out there running ( ummm maybe run/walking) 3.1miles... and two weeks after that 10k... then a 10 miler... LMAO Whew... I'm doin' it ya'll... I gotta get all svelte and beautiful so my prince charming will find me... lmaoooo yeah right.

Ya know, on a side note, I was surfing these blogs... there are REALLY some beautiful people in the Blogosphere... I'm not shocked... just a little taken aback... :) I love reading other peoples blogs, and despite the fact that I have only 14 readers, I respect and enjoy every comment I get. I ONLY FOLLOW blogs that I enjoy, and not just to gain followers... and I comment on EVERY BLOG that I join. I try to do it as much as possible... and I also randomly visit one blog from those people's blogs. and if I like it... I join. lol

Oh well that's all my ramblings... let me go put myself together... and grab some pannnnnnncakes from Cracker Barrell... Yummmmmmmmmmmmmo

**Drunken Clarity **

Hahahaha... That pic was from a very long time ago-- like 6 or 7 yrs... lmao... I'm a drinker...Not very often... but when I do, I go for broke. I chase whiskey with beer, fight when I drink gin, and carry a MEAN hang-over when tequila is involved.

Almost ALL liquor ( except gin) makes me "friendly", so I have to monitor my surroundings and make sure I keep my wits about me. It is what it is... and.. tonight.. I am about 1 1/2 sheets to the wind (not quite 3).

When I'm drinking, I think about things differently. With a clearer mind. I recall HAPPY events instead of the sad ones. I get a greater respect for the events that were really negative in my life... and... strangely enough, I see the positive in them.

I'm thinking alot about my last relationship tonight. The reasons it ended. The things that I did wrong. The things he did wrong. I've surmised that, regardless to if we'd have stayed together in the MEANTIME, we would have EVENTUALLY broken up... SO... I did myself a favor by not moving to TX. God did us a favor by not allowing us to become pregnant (though we tried SO hard). And LIFE did me a favor by allowing me to be IN that relationship and realize just how FAR I'd go for someone I love.

I've never said this before... but I'm glad it's over. I'm thankful for the time that we spent. But truth be told. I was done long ago. My fucking stubborn ass heart REFUSED to let go of what she'd built up to be her 'ideal'. My head fought that b*tch and tried to pry her fingers away one by one ( ala sylvester and tweety), but she just latched back on. My heart is stubborn... and refuses to let go sometimes.

Anywhooo--- my drunken clarity is nice. I love it!! What's my new frontier? Maybe internet dating!! lol... I've never given that an honest chance. and why not? I'm a good girl. Sweet, kind, etc, etc... and I can spot a 'creep' a mile away... Let's see... that should make for some phenomenal blogs... lol

The sex(less)capades of Jae... hahahahaha

(let me say this... even in my drunken clarity, I STILL think Etta James was wronged!) lmao

** GO ETTA! GO ETTA! GO ETTA! GO ETTA! **

I almost wrecked my car when they played the sound bite (play above) of Etta james saying Beyonce' was gonna get her ASS whipped! LMAO... OMG! Etta James is GANGSTA ya'll!

To be honest, I felt that she was disrespected. I feel that though she didn't WRITE "At Last", she popularized it. Really, "At Last" is a mediocre poem set to less than phenomenal music. HOWEVER, the rough and raspy voice of one Ms. Etta James adds just what it needs to be edgy, yet sweet. Loving and demanding. Coy yet... well... demanding ( I mean COME ON, she basically GRABS you by the throat and gives you the death stare whilst sayin " FORRRR YOU ARE MINNNNNNE AT LAST"). This could REALLY be an anthem for someone who has kidnapped their intended, and are now looking at them, all tied up and gagged... very pleased with themselves at the perfect boyscout knot securing there captive's hands and ankles.

Etta MADE that song (and HONESTLY I don't think Beyonce's version did Etta justice).

Beyonce' may not be at fault here though. As pointed out in THIS ARTICLE, Beyonce' is a performer and is paid very handsomely to do her job. If they requested this song as the first dance for President and first lady-O as sung by the 36 year old starlet Beyonce ( she's not 27 ya'll come on), then so be it. I'm a FAN of Beyonce's most definately. I'm a "Single Ladies ( Put a ring on it)" singer. I even find myself rockin' out to "Diva" on the way home from work ( Tell me suh-thin where you Bawwws Et?). But in this instance, I HAVE to side w/ Etta.

To me, it's a matter of RESPECT. If Etta doesn't like the prez.. ok. Let her decline. If she doesn't feel like being involved, give her the opportunity to say no. Don't just ASSUME or ASSIGN her trademark to someone else. BOOOO to that...

Did Etta have to get GANGSTA and threaten Mrs. Carter? Nope. Will there be some Beyonce' back-talk? Probably. But let us not forget that Aretha Franklin ALSO has beef w/ Beyonce'. I'm pretty sure Re-re can get gangsta too... Why 'B' gotta mess w/ the wrong broads?! Why doesn't she disrespect the EASY "diva's"... I mean, you don't see her and Jay doin' a remake of Fire and Desire do you? Teena Marie wouldn't do anything... and Rick James ( God rest his soul ) CAN'T object to Hov.

Iono-- but I can't WAIT to see what develops here... lol
Beyonce' ( or whomever booked her for the presidential gig ) you are DEAD WRONG. NOW! Go apologize to lil' Etta and say "I'm sorry" :: pause :: Now hug her.
That's a nice lil' div-ette

** let me say, I don't like that she put down my president... but ya know what. She was just mad... I love Etta... but I love Barack more... don't make me choose Etta... I got your back on this one... but DON'T make me choose... (lol) ***

*HI-- Welcome to the "BOX"--

You get so used to your surroundings and the things that you encounter w/n your life everyday, that you begin to run on ‘auto pilot’. You stop noticing the houses springing up, the new neighbors, even stores opening and closing. There’s not true “mask” simply a symptom of going through the “motions”. The BIGGER side of this, is believing that in your routine, you are doing the same thing that others are doing in theirs. Spontaneity lost, and even the realization that another “way”, “culture”, or “lifestyle” exists is lost.

… Living INSIDE the box…

Today I realized that I am living INSIDE the box. My town has a population of 5000 my county not much more. I live in the country ( which is nice for some), and have lost touch w/ my culture, my ‘people’, and the opportunities that are out there for me to become ‘involved’. It’s disheartening. It’s disappointing. It’s smothering.

I joked with my friend Jayce the other day that a lot of the people that read his blog are “beautiful women. Very ‘hip hop.’” I laughed at myself after that because I realized how UN-hiphop I am… lol. I was jealous. I think I ask Jayce (and other big city friends of mine) about urban terms everyday.Usually they laugh at me. They say I’m “cute” ( not in a good way but in that ’awww look at this imbecile’ kinda way). They tell me things, only to get hit w/ a new question. I don’t know much ’slang’ or urban terminology, and generally refer to things by either their literal name, or by some term we use here in KY. It’s not that I’m dumb (because my intelligence is something I pride myself on), It’s that I’m never in a situation where I am exposed to these things.

In a perfect world, I’d pack up and move to Philly tomorrow ( I fell in love w/ this city as I was passing through on my way to A.C). I’d go for total emersion into ‘hip-hop’ culture and just LIFE! Scared to death, I’d attempt to make new friends while sticking out like a sore thumb. Slowly but surely I’d become more adept to how life is outside of the country., leave behind my comfy shoes for stilettos’ (not really), and my nice slacks for a hot black dress ( umm AFTER weight-loss).

::sigh:: Perhaps my bigger fear is that my little one will grow up as sheltered as I am. She’ll feel as uncomfortable around what should be ‘home’ as her mom. I guess we have to become citizens of the world, and not just our OUR world. Being aware of what’s going on outside is only part of the solution… being APART of it, is the rest…

… I vow to break out of this damn box…

** Sometimes ya just wanna... ***

Cuddle...

Sigh, today I'd just really like to have some testosterone all up and around me (I said AROUND not inside... )... I just wanna lay in bed and spooooooAooon with someone that I value. Someone who can laugh with me and play fight in the sheets... lol... that really is the funnest thing ever ( don't joke on my english)--

I jusssssst wanna cudddddddddddddddle... This is the hardest part of being single.

:: Sigh :: I'm not as good at this as I said I'd be...

** My friend Jayce wanted to see a pic of me in highschool** There I am-- 12th grad... lol 17 year old jae-- that was 9 years ago :) (not a very good pic.. but that was me:)-- The other side is me in COLLEGE... I have SO MUCH MORE color now... lmao-- GEEZ I was pale! (the first one is a lighting issue-- second one... I'm just yella)


-- haha... So, I'm not as good at this as I thought I'd be... The ex-girlfriend to friend role is gonna take some practice.

Today -- exie JF-- messaged me to see if I was alright in light of the ice/snow storm that's crippled my state. Told him I was good and that I'd only lost power for 3 hrs. Chit chat chit chat... He says... guess what... I'm having twins...

::deep burning in the pit of my stomach:: ::vomit rising in my throat:: ::unexpected tears welling up::

I type, "WOW! That's so great! You really hit the lottery on this one! :) You're gonna get that big family you wanted :)" ( I mean it tho... I don't say things I don't mean.... well not typically)

Next message from him:::: "haha, no I'm just kidding, there's just one in there. lol"
Now I wanna kill him. But really, it's my fault right? I'm giving off the impression that I'm alright when really, I'm not ready for the "friendship" that we're building. I should just tell him that I can't do it right now. That it makes me nauseous to hear about him and this broad and their spawn (now that was mean, she's probably very sweet). But I don't I continue to be supportive, because that's how I am w/ my friends...

I want us to be friends, in the worst way... but it causes my two steps forward to just gone one step back... It hurt... but not as bad as it would have previously...

ugh. oh well it's whatever ya know.. Why does it take women so much longer to get over love than it does men? I don't like that! lol

** The Way It Was**

**This is a poem I wrote probably 5 or 6 years ago** I wanted to blog but my head is on THROB!!! I did wanna have something in for today though :) Hope you like it...


The Way It Was
by Jae Spence

I finally forgot, the way you smelled...
Not of cologne or aftershave, as I was accustomed,
but of `man`, of play, of dark beauty and raw freedom.
The way I could feel you, before we even touched
Through the electricity that filled the void between us.
And the way you rubbed your nose on mine in the moments before our breath mingled,
closing in for a kiss.

How your hair laid spread across your angelic face
as unknown thoughts, visions, hopes for tomorrow and disappointments of yesterday
whirred in your head.
Your hands draped over my hips.
Clinging, pulling, keeping me close to you.
So afraid to let go, yet knowing that you lack the wanting to hold on.

I don’t quite remember the line of your leg as you ran.
Your thick thigh extending outward pulling behind the calf.
Powerfully outstretched into the dust.
The look of determination and the longing to prove "them" wrong in your eyes.
The extension of your foot as you headed home.

How scratchy your face was, when we finally arrived at that moment
where anticipation was too strong and the magnetism was not to be resisted.
So softly, gently, you pressed your lips to mine.
crawling beneath my skin,
invading my psyche in the most innocent of ways
Without know you were doing it,
bombarding from the inside out.
Tremors rip up my spine tingling every single vertebra
awakening each nerve ending until I feel like my skin is going to detach

Where did that emotion go? The one that took me over every time I caught a glimpse of the brownest brown hue in your eye
wanting to repair all that I saw and expose the `right` that I’d built for myself. Wanting to give you the world, destroy it, and then remake it
in order restore the purity that is deserved.

I’ve forgotten, not how to love, because love never blossomed for us
Not how to care, because caring in it’s sweetest form always encompasses me,
but how to feel, how to know, and how to trust.
I am blackened to the obvious and now read below the dermal layers of all you say, all you do, and all you write.
To me you are gone
and all I have left after I have forgotten
are the memories

By Jeanne` Spencer