completely incoherant rambling.

I have a calorie complex now
If I eat something and I think it may put me close to my limit-- I wig out and get anxious
I love country music
my tummy hurts
maybe that's the calorie complex
i did have a hershey bar...
but it didn't put me over my cals
I feel like people don't believe I've lost 17lbs
I can't really believe it.
I'm sick of being alone
but i don't wanna be w/ anyone
except
well i'll stop right there
i hate when people tell me what to do
or stifle my words
GRRR
I think i'm going to go to the gym tomorrow
i have only been once this week
that's bad.
music is my addiction
i need to clean my apt
i hope to move very soon
i hate daddy's girls
i love run's house
i hope to marry a man w/ Rev Run's personality/values
Angela's voice sounds weird. like she's in pain
I love my kiddo so much
she's just like me
back to daddy's girls
the girl with the long curly hari on there is dingy
and the cousin is dude-ish
ok... what's up w/ "schwee"? lol
'The night is young... The night is in Diapers?"
I wanna go to SanFrancisco this year.
And I wanna go to Brazil w/n the next 18 months
I hope J (Jose') goes w/ me
I also wanna go to Trinidad
I KNOW he'll go w/ me there.
Still looking for volunteer opportunities
I'm sick of everyone that I talk to.
I'm sleepy but too lazy to get up and turn everything off so i can go to bed
I am buying a multivitamin tomorrow!
gotta

Setbacks suck

I'll start this on a good note... then let it tank... I've lost 7 more lbs this week... Last week was 10... 17lbs in 2 weeks... I think that's beautiful!!! I just have to get me a new multivitamin (or a FIRST multivitamin)... because my energy level SUCKS... lol... and now for my blog..

How can you love someone so much that you can't get past it inspite of yourself? Giving so much of yourself that there's barely any left to call your own. Regardless to what happens, still wishing... Knowing that you're better... that there's better for you... that they've moved on... but that you're still pining...





It's insulting... to me. I insult myself everyday because theres barely a moment that passes that I don't think about that failure. Setbacks are exacerbated by different things... This one was because I was messaged by my failure yesterday... then drempt about it last night... and today was asked about it.... And this song... playing now "My Immortal" by Evanessence, reminded me so much... as it pumped though my ipod-- I paused my work... put my head in my palms... and shed a silent tear....





... it's sad... how you're trying so hard to let something go... for so long that it's insane... and yet... you realized... as this song says " you still have all of me."...





Setbacks suck

My daughter and I Video Blogging... Sheesh

OK!!! My Vlogs will never be more than 5 minutes... but my kiddo wanted to get on as well... and she then wanted to sing... and act silly and ... well ... be herself... I love this broad... she's just like her mommy... lol

So here is my kid... and I-- Before bed... blogging... This is like 11 minutes long... lmao it's funny though. So watch if you like... and if not... I COMPLETELY understand... But If you wanna see how I was as a kid--- you'll watch! LMAO

Test Audio/Video Blog....

(you may need to stop the music player on the side to hear this properly... Iono-- just a suggestion...lol)

This is just a test... I have on NO make up-- and my hair is EVERYWHERE... I am NOT naked--- I have on the shirt I wear to bed! lmao-- There is test video @ first...and then audio later... you get to see just how goofy I look, am, and sound... lol

*I think I've lost it*

Ok... this is a MINI-rant...

I think I've lost it. My love for men. Don't get me wrong... I don't LOVE women now... I just think I don't have a capacity to actually like males romantically anymore. There are a few people who have vyed for my attn... and I have NO interest!

To be honest, it pisses me off. I remember being all enamoured and shyte and the butterflies and all that jazz... but I've not had those in so damn long! This isn't to say that I won't stay open... But it's like if someone w/ a penis talks to me... I get PISSED almost IMMEDIATELY. My patience is GONE.

What the f'ck is wrong w/ Jae?! handsome dudes... People that I may have gone for before. I have ZERO time. ZILCH! NIL! None!

It's almost instantaneous. GRRRR

My Bestie Deanna Brown American Idol Hollywood!!!

I'm so proud of Ms. Deanna Brown -- My bestie that made it to Hollywood on American Idol (Arizona)

She sang "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding... This girl has a UNIQUE voice. Different than anything I've EVER HEARD. Definately a market for a beautiful blonde right? I just happen to be fortunate enough to be best friends w/ her I met her freshman year of highschool. She was the new girl...And we began our friendship singing "Killing Me Softly" in the bleachers in the gymnasium... and it's been history ever since.

My daughter calls her aunt Deanna, and finds it interesting that she's my 'sister'. lol This girl has talent... and regardless as to how far she goes on "Idol", I know she's got a bright future... Beautiful girl, beautiful spirit, beautiful voice.

Hear her here:: http://www.rickey.org/?p=10984

Good Luck babes---

Off the Cuff

ok so i jotted this today @ work as I was thinkin' about someone... it was off the cuff and isn't good at alll... but whatever. it's genuine... This song playing ( Complicated Melody -India Arie ) reminds me of him... and PERFECTLY describes how I think of this person. :) (Hope not to embarass this person...if they read it... )


Just So U Know....

Step out in your exquisite style
Long legs, strong arms traverse the miles
Don’t hide from me, that brooding smile
Imagined reality
Misunderstood, and barely heard
No meaning
Just won’t speak the words
Their emptiness seem so absurd
Imagined reality
Watching you swing free your cape
Flail out expanse to keep it straight
All to veil those you will keep safe
Imagined reality
So complicated and so unique
In riddles, rhymes, and verse
He speaks
Imagined, not to those he seeks
Unveiled humanity.
For a short time someone can say
She held him there
They steeled away
Until the dawning of the day
In sweet simplicity.

(c) Jae Spencer 2009

... still mad?

** lonliness sucks. Basically **

Blah. I'm that girl.

I'm that girl that has to be cuddled and adored...

I have to be texted 5-trillion times a day just because.

I neeed random and spontaneous smooches...

lots of them.

I need to make goo-goo eyes @ you all the time.

I need to stroke your arm.. your back.. your neck.. etc

I'm that girl

The one who wants to know that you are thinking of me.

It stinks when you don't do it.

I sometimes feel worthless.

I feel like no one likes me

thought I know that's not true.

I'm scared alot.

Bills stress me out... but I pay them anyway.

The bachelor is way too long tonight.

Why hasn't there been a black bacherlor/bachelorette

Why hasn't there been a plus sized bachelor/bachelorette..

They should let me be her... that would kill two birds w/ one stone

I hate doing laundry-- but I do it anyway.

I miss my mom.

I miss her as she was..

I can't stand my (Bio) mom.

She hasn't been there for me in this trying time.

I confess I will probably never forgive her for it.

I need to vacuum the floor.

I secretly like my job.

i guess it's not a secret anymore.

I want to move soon.

I want to move to Philadelphia eventually

or maybe California

perhaps New York

Chicago might be nice.

I love to kiss

good kisses

I won't kiss you if you have bad oral hygiene

I think I spelled hygiene wrong.

I refuse to spell check it.

I love the smell of baby lotion

and baby powder

I put it under my sheets

I have a crush on David Beckham

and my friend Deanna's friend Deepak

oh... and Robert Pattinson

I will probably end up marrying outside of my race.

I confess that there is really only one man that gives me faith in my own race of men

I confess that he will be cloned.

I confess that he's probably "shaking his head" at the lines 3 up from this one ( and the one after that too)

They gym is working...

I did more running today-- and it didn't almost kill me.

My heart rate is coming down with higher speeds

that's good right?

Love sucks

I have a "thing" for middle eastern men.

I may have developed a 'think' for indian men.

or maybe it's just the one.

I'm sleepy.

I secretly want at least 2 of my ex's back.

I guess THAT's not a secret either.

I need to remember why they're ex's

I'm usually ashamed of myself.

but I'm working on that.

I never think I'm 'good' enough

If my mom dies, I'll probably not see my family for quite sometime

I'm going to become detached

I plan on doing that on purpose.

Bah-- I'm sick of rambling...

for tonight...

This is what happens when I have nothing to write about.

Congrats if you read all that... lol

** Fuhnie-- I was just talking about this **

.. How songs evoke things in me...

I just heard this song for the first time today. It's EXACTLY how I felt @ the end of my last relationship. I won't say much about that... but the lyrics are PERFECT... (except the 'coming to blows' part... )

The disbelief that it's "over" just because the passion's there when the love making is happening. Misconstruing things and letting them slide because you refuse to believe they really don't want to be w/ you anymore...

It's so me when she says "It just know, you'll come around. Right?"... Booooo Freakin' WHOOOOOO...

Crazy... I heard this... and almost cried... Even when you think you're over something... Something comes up and makes you think about it... minor setback.. ;)

Love Pink's emotion in this one...

** I know I don't know you... But I want you... Sooooo baddddd "

Perhaps it's because I am a lover of music. Perhaps it is because I'm an extremely sensitive and outwardly 'in touch' person... but for me... there is a song that explains every single emotion that I'm having. Songs that explain my anger (The Beautiful People- Marilyn Manson). Songs that you can use to break up with someone ( It's over -- Roy Orbison ). Songs to let someone know how much you're going to miss them (Goodbye My Lover -- James Blunt ).

Every song makes me feel a certain way.. and long after the fact... will evoke that SAME emotion... and take me back there. I identify situations w/ songs. Remember them w/ the song that may or may not have been playing ( in the atmosphere... or in my mind)...

The same goes w/ songs making ME feel a certain way. The song playing right now... as I write this song is Maroon 5-- Secret ( It's also playing right now... as YOU'RE reading it... )... This song makes me think of the emotions that would be running through me as I met a new person with whom I've become a bit infatuated. I don't know him... he's a friend of a friend.... and PROBABLY it will NEVER EVER EVER EVER come to pass... but when I meet him ( and I will MEET him... if nothing else ) I'm sure these lyrics will be running through my head " I know I don't know you... but I want you sooooooooooo bad.."...

For whatever reason... this song... umm... makes me feel sexy and seductive... I can SO see myself making a vid to this song later on... not tonight... but @ somepoint... seductive eyes and smile... this song makes me think of that...

a nice black dress w/ some knee high boots.. hair down and long... wavy... fringe bang... a dim club perhaps playing this song in the background... eyeing this person as they walk in... legs crossed head slightly tilted... slightly biting lip... eyecontact.....

I know I don't know you... but I want you ... soooooo bad....

that's another thing the eyes can convey-- desire...

** These Eyes (Part II ) **

Windows to the soul indeed. Generally, you can read all the emotion contained w/n a person through their eyes. Look deep... you can see all the wins, defeats, re-births, and new burials. The eyes are the first marker of suprise, disappointment, lies, and truths. Only the most SKILLED PSYCHO can conceal the entire mystery-- of their eyes...

This set of deep brown peepers have seen alot... too much... look deep.

... what would YOUR eyes tell mine?...

The Eyes Have It

Tonight, as I milled through all the pictures on my desktop... I noticed something. There were SEVERAL pictures of me (duh)... MANY of my friends... TONS of my daughter... family, etc... and there were a FEW pictures of my "ex". NOW... the thing I noticed... was the look in our eyes. The look in HIS eyes and MINE in different pictures around the same period of time...

dead.

There were some where i could just see immense saddness behind my deep brown peepers. And in his, I read anger, frustration, and just the fact that he was 'gone'.

The crazy thing is... as I texted him earlier and decided that we definately needed to be friends ( Because he REALLY IS a phenomenal FRIEND ), I realized just how long I'd realized that we weren't each other's "the one"... These pictures served to help me pinpoint that timeline... We were together (off and on ) for what I'll call a year and a half... I realized that he wasn't the one...

1 1/2 months into the relationship.

This brings me to the question, why do we (or I) choose to hold onto something when we KNOW it's not right? Why do we hinder ourselves by allowing a misfit piece to just lay on top of the puzzle... blocking the ACTUAL placemaker settle? Security? A need not to "lose"? For me, those things had ALOT to do with it. I hate to lose. I was in love (yep... that soon... I'd fallen for him.) for the FIRST TIME EVER... and I didn't want to lose that "ooey gooey" feeling. but the thing is... Idid... I lost it... 1 1/2 months in.

Anywhooooo... the saddness in my eyes... it shook me.

** Hard to Forget **

I have alot to say-- but for some reason I can't get it out... it's like, blocked w/n me and building tension...

The gym was good today. I actually got a good work out in... I'm excited... but these shin splints are starting to stifle my enthusiasm.

Why is it so easy to forget all the good things people say to you... and so hard to forget the bad ones. There was a comment that someone made to me a while ago that I think about ever so often. This person has told me a BAZILLION times that he loves me and thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread... but that ONE comment just... gets under myskin...

anywho- I guess that's bothering me tonight... lol

blah--

** But really, I don't **

Ya know... I'm typing this from my Bed on my PDA. Reason being, I really had to capture this moment of weakness...

I just laid here, alone and watching the news, and sent a text that I completely didn't mean to someone completely innocent.

″ I missssssssssssses u. ″

Sometimes I just need a surrogate boyfriend. someone to send my sweet message to. Someone to talk sweetly to, and to smile about. I miss having someone to 'misses'. I miss it alot.

Papi and I used to have text wars... we'd see who could make the others phone go berzerk first with an over abundance of text messages... he always won... well, except for the last time... lol... I won that battle :-)

I said all that to say this... i miss the silly things that couples do... not so much the actual relationships... just the cutesy stuff... the bad thing is, good people get caught in the crossfire.

The guy that I sent that to, ADORES me. Probably the highlight of his day is when I say I missssssssssssses him... truth is, Really I don't. I more just miss the act of having someone to text late at night...

I'm such an ass...

** I Fought the gym and the GYM won **

OKKKKKkkkkkkk day one of working out and ummm yeah not only did the GYM kick my ass but my new runners picked up where the gym left off. Here's a word to the wise... DO NOT wear new runners until you BREAK THEM IN! I have a blister on the instep of my left foot and right on the achilles tendon area of my RIGHT! OUCH!

So... I did about 2 miles in about 30 minutes... not the BEST pace but also not the worst... I've not been to the gym in MONNNNNNTHS... @ least 6 of them... lol and it was tough... I'm just taking it very slow the first week or so... I definately don't wanna get hurt in the beginning... and hopefully all will come together.

... now the hard part...

THE DIET

The problem that I have when trying to eat 'right' is NOT EATING ENOUGH. I count calories like a BEAST and come up short almost EVERY TIME. Today when I left work I'd only had about 375 calories! I'm aiming for 1800-2000 a day... which should leave me at about a 3000 calorie deficit daily (It takes ALOT of calories to move my body... because of my size... which, right now is a PLUS and will equate to initial lbs dropping FAAST).

When I got home I tried to make up for that deficit by having some pinto beans ( 350 cals ) and some baked chicken (It was a very small piece-- so I'll count it as 300 cals as well )... I'm STILL at a deficit-- so what do I do? I grab some ICECREAM-- and eat 300 cals of THAT! LMAO

not a good look-- but STILL not at 2000 cals. But ya know what... I'm done for the night. I won't eat after 8pm. I now have to try to get down the rest of my water for the day... and I'll be set...

Grr... Tomorrow is pilates and armwork... soooooo that should give my muscles a good chance to stretch out and recoup...

So it starts--

** Obsessive Personality **

Have you ever met someone w/ an obsessive/addictive personality?

no?

Well, please allow me to formally introduce myself... My name is Jae.

It's really only recently that I realized that what happens with me is obsession. This extends to music, food, clothes, and unfortunately... people. When I find something that I like... I WEAR IT OUT until I no longer like it. A song, I'll listen to NONSTOP for DAYS. Round and round and round it will spin in my cd player... until I just can't listen to it anymore... then I listen one more time.

This can be a good and bad trait. The good part is when you get addicted or obsessed w/ something good. Hopefully I'll become obsessed to working out. That too though, can prove to be dangerous. Once you get to where you need to be, if you're STILL obsessed, you go overboard.... The way that it's bad is with PEOPLE. When you find someone... and you're in a relationship w/ them... and then you become ADDICTED... they become TRULY like a drug. Like you don't know when to stop or let that drug go...

That was the case w/ my last relationship. I knew... probably about 6 months to a year before it ended... that it needed to end. BUT because I was addicted to this person... I craved him. I wanted that fix. Even after we broke up (for good), I continued to look @ his page... make sure he was alive... just to see him. I made myself believe that I just cared about him as a friend after all and wanted to ensure things were ok... but truth be told... I wanted to know if he was over me... and if he was as obsessed w/ me... as I was with him... sick right?!

My plight has never, and will never drive me to do anything truly "crazy"-- It never will because I'd like to believe that I'm better than that... but it does drive my mind to constantly think about things that I'd rather leave unthought....

Obsessions... ugh.

Umm this is supposed to be a 2008 Review

Yeah, This was supposed to be a 2008 review... but it really made me realize what (or WHO rather) I'd devoted my ENTIRE year to... lmaoo sad.

Reflections of 2008

DRINKING BUDDIES OF THE YEAR?
To be honest I didn't drink too much.

YOUR SONG FOR 2008?
Should be Bleeding Love. lol

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend) -
Um... I'm slowly phasing that person out. So I'm keeping the award. lol

NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND?
Lattie!!! Definately.

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
Falling back in love W/ Jimmie...

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
Falling OUT of love w/ Jimmie... (lol)

BEST HOLIDAY?
Hmmm New Years '08 was decent

MOVIE FOR 2008?
P.S I Love You

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
I was in a relationship w/ Jimmie

BEST RELATIONSHIP?
Only one I was in was w/ Jim... lol don't know if I'd call it the best

WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
A mommy!

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
I frequented BW3's... lmao

BIGGEST douchebag AWARD?
JIMMIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
Getting over Jim (wow I'm noticing a pattern here.)

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
Revamp my life basically.

MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
Um I'll kep that to myself

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
George Lopez (love that (I know it's reruns dammit))

MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
Jose'

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
I lost about 240lbs (Jimmie)

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
Have a better year... Have something to actually SHOW for the year...

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

This is HILARIOUS!!!! (If you're really simple, like me! :) )

This made me laugh my damn ass off... Probably because I have a really simple and immature sense of humor... lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooo I needed this...it's GREAT!!! HAHAHAHAH

My horoscope says it all :)

My yearly horoscope made me even MORE hopeful for the year to come... Peep this... (I'm a Gemini by the way... don't be jealous. lmao)

Year 2009 Overview

As a Gemini, you possess an amazing ability to see dualities -- the pros and cons of situations as change approaches -- and to quickly and efficiently think them through before making any decisions. In 2009, you dare to look deeply into your desires, regenerate self-awareness and recognize psychological ambiguities. This will bring balance into your home and family life. Pay attention to the details as you bring your inner and outer life into harmony. And be sure to enjoy the changes occurring within you!

As you come to terms with yourself, you are able to see a more fulfilling purpose in life, and your field of experience broadens. Focus on matters that affect you most deeply and, like magic, your life will become easier and things will seem to take care of themselves. You have all the necessary resources and motivation to make tangible changes and achieve results this year.
Toward the end of the year, you'll have time to enjoy yourself, and to bask in a great sense of accomplishment. With the expansive and idealistic energy flowing throughout 2009, Gemini is very comfortable in this age of new awareness and high-mindedness.

WOW! Go Figure.

*** And So It Begins ***

Soooo here it is... 2009... WHOOOOPIEEEEEE!!! Never been so glad to see the dawning of a new day! Now the only question is... what's the plan? Well.... first things first... get this traning thing underway...

I've found a couple of sites that give me a good starting point to be able to at least do my 5k by march... That training will start on MONDAY! This weekend, I am concentrating on getting all the ridiculousness out of my house. Cleaning the closets of anything that may be "tempting" and instead trying to find fresh fruits, veggi's, and lean meats to put in my fridge. Luckily I love broccoli, and cabbage, oranges, and apples, watermelon, and such... I'm going to give grapefruit another try (haven't had it since I was a kid) and hopefully let that and some lean protein serve as breakfast through the week.

On to GNC to get some glucosamine and Chondroiton for my joints ( which will probably be kicking my ass in a few days), and a great mulitvitamin. Also trying to see what kind of appetite suppressant I can find to help me (@ least in the beginning). This is going to have to be a multilayered attack... in order for it to be successful... SOOOOOooooooo wish me luck! Can't wait to actually get started... I may hit the gym tomorrow to get a jump start ( but I need to be careful not to over-exert myself @ first.)

RIGHT NOW-- The plan is:

Week 1:: 01/05 - 01/09

Monday/Wednesday/Friday: 30 minutes of gym time ( lunch break @ work ) -- total of 2-2.5 miles.

Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday: Stretching and Pilates (home)

Sunday:: Rest.

-- I'll be keeping up w/ the amount of calories that I've eaten daily and RIGHT NOW have an aim of between 1800 and 2000cals per day (which is a HUGE deficite given my current weigh and the amount of caloric energy it takes me to go through my daily activities). This is going to bring about a pretty significant weight loss initially ( that coupled w/ the water weight loss).

-- Of course hydration is important. I'll be taking in @ least 80 oz of water daily. More if I can. Soda will be COMPLETELY CUT. Juices will be taken in but I'm going to TRY to keep them as close to natural and as little as possible. I'll be doing alot of grapefruit juice. Not too much so as not to make my system acidic.

... ok, that's my preliminary plan... could change... and am open to suggestions and new sites that could help me.

... buckle your seatbelts... we're about to go on a journey :)