**Everything's starting to resemble a.... **

... wellll you get the point...

*I don't consider myself to be a overly 'SEXUALLY DRIVEN' person. I don't start my day seeking out sex or sexual gratification and it's not even top 5 on my priority list. I DO however consider myself to have a definite response to the LACK of sex in my life.

... Wait... Let me reword that... GOOD SEX in my life. It's been QUITTTE SOMETIME since I've had that and it's starting to weigh on me. Things are starting to look like objects that I KNOW they're not... I'm giving anything with a slightly phallic shape the "eye" and having to REIN MYSELF in when there's even a SEMI-steamy scene on T.V. YES! Self love is a WONDERFUL thing... but Man oh MANNNNNNNNNN do I love a nice hard penis. (yes, this is MY blog and I can say that.!)

I have some questions... Anyone who knows the answers, please feel free to answer...

1.) Is morning wood "functional"?

-I've heard that it's not from a few people, but also remember it 'functioning' well for me.

2.) Girth or Width?

-For me... it's GIRTH! I love to feel him just at the moment of insertion seemingly breaking me apart... NICCCCCCCCCE-- but there again, it's been a ridiculous amount of time since that's been the case... Soooo I don't really remember... lol

3.) Wake up sex, Good or Bad?

-- I mean the sex when you WAKE UP and you're ALREADY in the act...Do you enjoy it?

I DO! LOL ( you guys don't have to answer this... I know it's personal... but I've heard some hilarious stories stemming from this sort of thing... lmaoooooooo)

--sigh-- Hopefully someday soon I'll have all the fun, love, joy, and beauty connected to a beauuuuuuuuutiful penis (and the guy that holds it)... but for now... I'll just continue to restrain myself in the vegetable aisle... lol

**Rule #3... Chicks Dig Dildo's** LMAOOOOO

This shit is hilarious!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

*I Love You*

It happened...

ACTUALLY it happened a couple of days ago and I just hadn't had the time to get it down. Kris told me that he loved me. ::Sigh:: My reply to him was " Please Don't ". I know that seems extremely harsh, but I've done EVERYTHING I could to make it clear that never would I ever reciprocate his feelings for me and his wants for a future together. I'm not sure what else has to happen. He also told me that he wanted me to be his wife.

He's a great guy. Very kind, sweet, and can sing like the sky opened up and leaked out a little ANGEL music. Kris would do ANYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE for me and treats me better than any of my ex's ever DREMPT of treating me. When I was sick he came all the way across town just to bring me some orange juice to my job... Today he came across town to my job to see me just because I was dressed up...

But what do you do when the feeling just isn't THERE?! I don't want to lose his friendship. But there will never be anything SERIOUSLY romantic there. Perhaps me still allowing myself to be physical w/ him hinders my message and I need to cut that off... but... I'm ALWAYS clear and forthright about what I want from this relationship.

Grr... whadda you do when someone says they love you and you don't feel the same...

**My FIRST Blog Award!! ** I know I'm backward!

YAYYYYYYYYYYY I got another (ok it was the FIRST one... ) Blog award from Ms. STAR!!! YAYYYYYYYYY (ok, I'll stop w/ the "yay"-ing) There wasn't a picture w/ this one... but I found one on the net... Here's the Description...

'This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blogs content or
design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.'
“When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to the said person so everyone knows she/he is real. Choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven friends. Show the seven random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog. Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on!'"

Soooo I'm tagging and awarding to this to ALL THE SAME PEOPLE that I awarded the LAST award to (see previous blog).

Now the HARD part... I have to list 10 honest things about me...

• 1.) I lovvvvvvvvvve to laugh! I crack MYSELF up on a DAILY basis and my ultimate goal is to make sure the people around me, that I hold dear, are happy and laughing.
• 2.) I am a DIE HARD romantic. If I'm truly into someone, I'm all about the mood, making them feel special, little sweet notes, etc.
• 3.) I am a porn fanatic! (g'head... throw your stones)... I discussed this in a previous blog but yeah, there's a crazy facination there.
• 4.) When I like someone, I don't usually make it known until AFTER I don't like them anymore. This stems from a fear of rejection.
• 5.) I have a very tender heart. ALMOST ANYTHING makes me sad (when dealing w/ less fortunate people, animals, etc)
• 6.) I have HUGE FEET! These feet are pretty-- but they're verrrrrry big for a girl... If I was a dude-- I'd be hung like a mule!
• 7.) I curse like a sailor. The crazy thing is, I don't curse in front of my parents (thought THEY TOO, curse like sailors). It's a respect thing for me.
• 8.)I have a fear of getting alzheimers, and believe that I will develop it very early in my life. My mind is horrible, my memory fails me often. Not just in REGULAR ways... but in ways that you'd never expect from a 26 year old.
• 9.) I have diagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder or, A.D.D. I am NOT Hyperactive but my mind is always running at a million miles a minute. I used to lay in bed and pray for God to stop my mind so I could sleep. I tried several types of medication... but they all either stole my SEX DRIVE, MY PERSONALITY, or MADE ME EXTREMELY MEAN.... so I stopped. It's a struggle for me everyday... but I kind of enjoy my disorder! :)
• 10.) I cheat on my diet... DAILY! LMAO! But not so much that I go over my caloric allowance... So I guess it's not cheating...lol

THERE THEY ARE... The things about me... and the people I wanna tag.. Go get um people! :)

(in case you forgot... this is who I awarded)

• 
  My Jaycie (BluBlogginton/Nightfall)
  JILLLLLLLLLLLZ
  *Star
  Kiwi™:The Random Greeneyed Girl
  MiiNd 0f --->Fř£Sh pŘîNÇëSš™
  Life's a Fickle Pickle...
  GEE-NAH MUH REE
  KENYA!
  Young Woman on a Journey!

**My SECOND Blog Award!! WOO HOO!!! THANKS JILLLLLLZ!

YAY!!! So I got my SECOND Blog award ( The first hasn't been done as of yet... because it requires a little thought.) Ms. JILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZ (feel free to add as many "l"'s as you please... lol) over at "Sometimes I feel like a blog" has bestowed upon me this precious vision in pixels.... lol

...Take a gander...

This blog invests and believes in PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time, and relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. Check up on these writers! The rules are: This blog award should be sent to your favorite 8 bloggers, and they, in turn, should forward it to their fave 8.

Soooooooooo.... Who to choose... who to choose... whooooooo to chose....Ok... here they are..

• My Jaycie (BluBlogginton/Nightfall)
• JILLLLLLLLLLLZ
• *Star
• Kiwi™:The Random Greeneyed Girl
• MiiNd 0f --->Fř£Sh pŘîNÇëSš™
• Life's a Fickle Pickle...
• GEE-NAH MUH REE
• KENYA!
• Young Woman on a Journey!

Therrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre they are! My 8 (ok... so it's MORE than 8... SUE ME!) Now I gotta tagggggg em and let them know... lol

**Just A Couple More Things **

OK! So I posted this on a previous blog... and I just wanted to bring it to the top again... I'll be doing this many times throughout my blog... because I GENUINELY like this song! I'm TRULY entertained by this and have a weird crush on the little main dude! I seriously find myself singing this throughout the day... hahaha ( what a weirdo right).. I really have a thing for middle easter/Indian music/guys/etc (except for FOOD!). So here it is again... Enjoy-- I'm tellin you... WATCH IT!

Another thing...here's my new boyfriend (ha! I wish!!!) Gilles Marini from Dancing w/ the Stars... how HOT is he?! I feel SO DIRTY watching him dance... or maybe it's the things running through my mind WHILE he's dancing that make me feel dirty... lol

Oh well... just wanted to get those in before bed

**Givin' A Shout to Gee-Nah Muh-Ree**

OK! This is gonna be a short one... But I have to say that I was SO MOVED by the MUSIC on someone's blog (Gee-Nah Muh-Ree ) ... it brought me to tears (the song... not the person)...

GIRL THANK YOU for having a nice easy and sweet playlist... I just opened it in another window to listen while I went to other pages... lol...

(the song that did it was " Amel Larrieux " Make Me Whole"... ) It made me think of my exie and how I felt... lol Not sentimental... but just how it was in that moment of my life...

... do you guys use music on your page? Just for background sound? To go w/ Specific blogs? ....
I do...but generally...the song playing when you click on the blog (for the day that it's posted) goes w/ the blog in some way...

Music moves me...

**This Was Filmed In My Town **

Above you see the "Nappy Roots" video "Po' Folks".... This was filmed in my town... The Church in he opening frame is MY CHURCH... very small... but still mine. They filmed right down the street from where I live now... and where I lived then ( two different places)... I know EVERYONE in this video. And it REALLY is how it appears. Poor. The guy who appears @ the beginning is " Frank Phillips "... he used to do the BEST magic tricks! Like CRAZY... He was handsome in his youth... it's almost like this place sucked it out of him... He's since passed away :(

I mean, people here aren't poverty stricken... And in alot of ways this video SENSATIONALIZED what was already there. There are very successful people that live in this town... and VERY successful people that live in my county.But the ones that aren't... don't seem to mind. It's just that feeling that they don't want "more". I'm so very afraid of succumbing to this... I still live here... I have advanced in several ways and feel extremely displaced... but hey... it's home.

It makes you wonder about the simpler things in life.

** This Is Me**

This is me... I never ever take full body pictures because, well... they're not flattering. I am a big girl...that's been stated several times throughout my blog... but evenso, I always try to find a way to hide that.

Well ya know what. This is me... That's all my hair junk on the counter in my bathroom... That's my body DOWN 30lbs... Hard to believe... but yes.. very true. I am definitely a work in progress... Many many lbs to lose... but I'm not hiding anymore

I'm me... Jae. Short hair, Long Braids, Big butt, slight gut... It is what it is... take it or leave it... Love me or not... Don't wait around for the 'END RESULT' because chances are... if you don't like me now... I won't like you then (because I'll have read your game...)

So... blurry and all... This is jae... Big girl... Big heart..

** My New Hair**

So... Here's my natural hair before. Naturally curly hair is a CURSE! LOL My hair is "fine" and curly and GENERALLY worn straight via STRAIGHTENING IRON.

I had just washed it and pulled it back in anticipation of getting my micro's... Wooo hoooo

Here's another... and NOPE, I don't pull my 'baby hair' down lmaoooo (like 1980's)... it just falls that way... but bet your bottom dollar... the braiders braided ALLLL that shyte.

And here are a few pics of the braids...

(I know I'm silly )

And one in a pony-- which is GREAT for the gym! Wooo Hoo... So 8 hrs and 300.00 later... Braids are fin... Hopefully I can keep them for the 3 months they say... but it's never happened for me... They generally slip out around 1 1/2 -2 months... but I'm gonna try my damndest to keep them as long as is healthy for my hair...

And everytime I get them done ( thinkin' of keeping myself braided all summer), I'll go to the same lady... she was SO GOOD and SO FAST (It usually takes them about 12-13 hrs to braid my hair)...

Hope you guys likey likey... :)

*I am sickkkkkkie* :(

I don't feeeeeeeels well :(
This winter/spring transition ALWAYS messes with me... sooo it's nothing new... I'm hoarse (which sucks because I talk on the phone all day for my job), I'm sleepy, and I'm cranky like a lil' kid... Oh well...it happens right?

SICKNESS SUCKS!

Oh BTW--- I decided NOT to braid my own hair... I'm going to go have it done... So I'll post pics of that...maybe I'll do it myself NEXT time...

**I'm Attempting To Do It On My Own...**

Ok... So this coming weekend (or next)... I am going to ATTEMPT to do my own micros... I've only had them TWICE in my life... ONCE here... and once in the pictures you see on the right...

Because of the texture of my hair (It's fine. I have hair the texture of the "typical" bi-racial child (though I am not(No offense to anyone who is))) , they don't tend to stay very long. Maybe like a month at the LONGEST!!! Most people can keep them for 3 months-- or LONGER!

This won't be my first excursion into braiding my ENTIRE head either... In highschool I did it... Did it look professional? No. Did it work... Yes... Did it take FOREVER... HEYUL YES!

I'm fully prepared for this to take an ENTIRE weekend... Meaning starting FRIDAY when I get home from work until Sunday when I prepare to sleep for work on Monday. I am actually fully prepared for this to take a few days into the week (and I will braid around the front side and back so that I may put it in a ponytail to hide what I HAVEN'T done... ) All in all, this will save me approx 200.00 and give me the freedom to stop when I want... Also, I won't have to worry about them all falling out... because I can just pop them back in when I want!

I did a few just a little while ago... Just to make sure I remembered how to install them... yepp... I do :) And again, it doesn't loo PROFESSIONAL... but it looks good enough.. WISH ME LUCK! :)

**When Looking for something INNOCENT Goes Wrong... **

Ohhhh kay! Sooo... I'm looking for some tattoo compliments to my current wrist tattoo (Gemini symbol) and to my SUPRISE what do I see... a tattoo'd coochie staring @ me (rhyming intended!)...

WHO IN THE HEYUL wants some old dude tattoo'd on their Kitty!?! I mean I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF... but then thought... some man or woman was down there for QUITE a long time w/ their face LITERALLY inches from this broad's 'area'. I remember how close the guy had to get to my WRIST to do that one... and this one is VERY detailed... so he was probably quite literally lip to lip w/ this broad!

Wooooooooowwwww... Hahahah Look @ the beard ya'll! LMAOO Wild... her pubes are this dude's BEARD!!! and there's NO WAY the pubes are actually GRAY!... Unless she's old... and then, I have to commend her on haveing a good lookin' 'area' for an old chick... I doubt that's the case though... hahahahahah (yes, I'm vagina phobic... but that means the ACTUAL area... and since there are no 'splits or clits' shown here...I can tolerate it. )

The things the internet exposes you to. lmaooo

Twitter (OK! So I'm late! What of it?!)

Ok... I FINALLY have a twitter account... I'm not REALLY sure how it works, but I'm pretty sure I've been doing this with my "FACEBOOK" account all along! lmaooooo Add me is you like http://twitter.com/JaeSpence (or follow me. I guess that's how you say it... I just don't like how it sounds)... I'll get the updates to my cell right?

Hmmm this could make for quite a few text messages...

*My Living Room... What do you Notice??*

Ok... Here is my living room... what do you notice... what's out of place ??

You may not see it-- it blends in w/ the curtains...

Got it yet? YES!!! My CHRISTMAS TREE!!! It's March 13th 2009... That tree has been up since about Mid November 2007. YES! I said 2007!!!! It was up ALL YEAR last year and we're now into the 3rd month of THIS year...

Why is it still up? Because I never have time to take it down... and I have no where to put it when I do! LOL Eventually, Like soon... I'll break down and dismantle the tree-- It's a damn shame, I know... It's really become kind of a running joke.... lol It would be disappointing if I took it down now...

Oh well... LMAOOO Fuhnie that my Tree is still up!

**My Girl Crushes**

SOooooooo... let me preface this by saying... I am HETEROSEXUAL... These are my GIRL CRUSHES!!
Meaning, girls that I think are HAWT.

I have always been the girlfriend who checked women out w/ her b/f. I definately think women are beautiful... and enjoy beautiful females..

... how do I know I'm not gay you ask?...

BECAUSE I HAVE A SEVERE PHOBIA OF VAGINA'S! LMAO I hate seeing them and alllllways try to keep underoo's on... Like the sooner I can get them on after sex/showering/etc... the better... So-- nah-- lesbianism isn't for me... but I definately appreciate a beautiful woman... The first is my J.LO-- I've ALWAYS loved her... She's just the epitome of gorgeous to me.. .Someone who I think would be cool to hang out with too.. She seems funny and down to earth (though they say she's a DIVA). I love Jennifer.


This is another woman who seems like she'd be incredibly cool to hang with. Kate Hudson! She's beautiful.. Loved her in "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days". PLUS she seems super silly... always a plus to me...

Next is Lauren London-- New New from "ATL"... I think it's her dimples... but I'm not COMPLETELY sure... from the second I saw this lil woman, I felt like she was just GORGEOUS...



Ahhh... Cassie.... I saw that video for "Me and You" and was HOOKED... I tink I have a definite "type" of chick that I have GIRL CRUSHES on... and she fits the billl.. Not the best singer but she makes up for it in other areas :)

Perrrrrrrsia White ( from Girlfriends)--- I just think she's beautiful and quirky and not afraid to be herself... She's definitely one of my fav's

Kimmie K! Gotta love Kim Kardashian... I also love her sister Kortney! I almost think Kortneys more aesthetically pleasing than Kim but almost... To be honest... that's just really a GORGEOUS Family... Gotta love that Armenian blood... It did her body REALLY good.

And those are my girl crushes-- or atleast some of them... There are a few more but I can't think of them... Do you have any? Don't be afraid... :)

** You'll Never Forget Your First **

***Hahahahaha... You'll NEVER forget your first scrog. I know that mine was well... ummm weird. I won't elaborate... but let's just say... it happened in an unconventional place, at an unconventional time, with an unconventional person... But nonetheless... it happened.

***WELLL Today, I as at the park w/ my kiddo and all of a sudden the guy that I lost it to appeared. He had his 2 kiddo's and they were GORGEOUS-- He came right up and we chit chatted for a while... I caught him staring @ me a couple times.. and that was that...

***He was still cute... BUT... because of the way our "deal" went down... it was weird to be in this close proximity to him. We started talking about a mutual friend of mine... and he told me to tell her "hi". It's fuhnie because I think she's interested in him... weird ... but whatevs... that was 9 yrs ago... this is now... It's just funny that no matter how much time passes (and how weird the 'deed' actually was... you never forget your first :)

*Porn*--- What's the Big Deal?

This is going to PROBABLY be coming from a COMPLETELY different angle than you think... But here goes...

*Why do SOME women make such a huge deal about their dudes watching porn?*

I am not disputing their right to feel a 'certain kind of way' about this, I'm merely asking. I've been told that it gives them unrealistic expectations in the bedroom. Also, that it makes them look at women in a way that women should NOT be seen. Who says?

I, myself, actually enjoy the occasional ( and maybe more often than occasional) adult film. Do I do it for 'gratification'? No. It's NEVER a means to an end. To be honest, my imagination is MUCH MORE vivid than these films. The things that I can conjur up are beautifully tailored to what actually turns me on and much more effective for helping to cure my ills ( overshare? Perhaps...)

I began partaking in this "taboo" passtime when I was 18yrs old. A boyfriend that happened to be quite a few years older than I, used to always have them... not necessarily for us to watch... but for himself. We used to sometimes just watch them w/ some popcorn or while we were having dinner ( strange I know)... but it was almost NEVER a sexual thing... just fuhnie sometimes... and entertaining others. Ever since, I've been facinated... and have built a collection... yes... I am a female w/ a collection of adult films.

Judge me if you may... but I'm being real. I don't see the big deal. These ladies in the film have chosen their path. We aren't aware of their circumstances or what lead them to this profession (deep seeded issues, I'm sure.)... But why are the people who watch, mainly the men, called 'bad'. YES YES... It is a sin. Some people cite bible verse against pornography... I then cite the same about pre-marital sex, living together in sin, smoking, over-eating, etc...

... followed by " all sins are the same in the eyes of God... " So you shoving that ho-ho in your mouth and then goin' home to your b/f and scroggin' his brains out is the same as me watching the TAPE of you two doin' that... lmaoooooooooooooo

Anywhoo...

Porn-- no biggie right?

Rockmond Dunbar

I so love this guy! I have for quite a while ( since WAYYY BEFORE SoulFood)... I just finished watching " The Family that Preys", and that just reignited my luhv/luhst for him... He alway seems like SUCH a good dude (not just in movies... but when he's interviewed). Pretty sure you can't go by that... but I really like this guy and the image that he always portrays... The loyal family guy...

..

and it SHO don't hurt that he's HOTTER THAN FIRE!

MMmmm mmm Rockmond Dunbar...

** Unexpected Texting**

SO, above being proud of myself for completeing the 5k... comes ANOTHER proud moment.

Exie told me that he loved me last night and always would... and I didn't swoon! What does this mean?! lmaooo Hopefully that I'm really ready to embrace this friendship that we're building without hope of "Purple Mountains Majesties".

The context of the conversation was funny @ first-- w/ him trying to damn fool me... and then me doing the same to him (only to come clean)... He said he and [new broad] were naming their kid after me. ::blank stare:: So I'm thinking they're going to do a take off of "Jae" (just the name I go by... not my governmental name). We'd always planned to name our first daughter Jaeleigh (His first initial and middle name written out / my first name (J.Lee and Jae)), Our first son would most definately be a III (He's a Jr. Obviously).

So given that, I thought he'd just migrated that plan to Jen (new broad). BUT THEN he says they're planning to use my full governmental name (minus) the last name... And I'm like yeah, whatevs... you're full of shit. lmaoooo I knew it was a joke...

We laugh about that... as we seem to be drifting our separate ways again I say, " Oh by the way, I meant to tell you you Jinxed me on Valentines day..." He'd told me to go make a baby w/ Kris... in a fit of anger for my spending time w/ him.

He asks how and I allude the fact that I'm preggo (I'm not). He is shocked... and gives me the same congrats that I probably gave him when he confirmed his REAL pregnancy... I let this back and forth go on for a bit... then fess up... adding that God has let things happen as they were supposed to. Letting him know that I thought we'd never gotten preggo because God knew that we wouldn't last forever and was saving him for Jen. I told him that our relationship was about 90% bad and I'm glad that we still came out of it w/ our friendship intact and growing stronger..

He thinks our relationship was good (becasue i was the one taking all the shit and he was getting all the unconditional love) and that small things caused our end. Oh well.... He's jaded. SOOoooo We continue to chit chat... he wants to know more about the dynamic of my friendship w/ Kris.... I know I shouldn't have told him... because... why would he wanna know... I tell him anyway... lmao... Tell him that Kris "serves a purpose".

"I guess I served a purpose too huh?"
... here it comes... wait for it wait for it.....
"No, I lovED your ass to death. Him. Just a filler."
"I love you very much too.. and always will."
:sigh: I knew this... I KNEW he still loved me... and I know it's not the same as it was and means nothing... but it was weird that he actually SAID it... He hasn't said it in over a year. I didn't swoon or take anything from it... was just shocked that he admitted it.
(btw, wonder where his babies mama is while he's texting his almost babies-mama-wife? lmao)

The convo continues, but I move the subject into more secure territories...
Nothing eventful...

It still was nice to know I still own a piece of real estate in his heart... :)
He makes it a point to tell me that he's not marrying her because of the baby... but still will most likely marry her. (I don't care). Wonder why he does that?

Oh well...